Episode Report Card Gwen: D | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT Troubled Water
By Gwen | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 11.21.1999
It's later, and Billy and Elaine are in front of the fireplace singing that "would you rather be a pig" song. Richard is scoping out Ally's mom's wattle but Ling is there to keep him at bay. Ally is wiggling, pursing her lips, and peering sideways through her hair as if that adds to the sexiness she lacks in any way/shape/form. John or someone offers Georgia a container of something and she peevishly waves it away. She catches George's eye, then gets up and goes to Ally's bedroom. George immediately pops up and pulls the old "Ally, where's the bathroom?" routine. He goes to Georgia, who is upset. "Every man I kiss [something] from her past," quoth she. George says it was only a kiss, and it's not anonymous anymore, so they should forget it and blah blah. Georgia looks angrier than she ever does when she's looking at Billy, and complains that she has to sit through a turkey dinner, looking at Ally's father, whose "tongue" was in her mouth, while her bleach-head husband is singing karaoke. Tongue is the second-favorite word on this show. George puts his hands on her shoulders and they recap their indiscretion to each other so that Ally can walk in and hear that they kissed. Ally becomes upset. She's not wearing the undershirt -- it's a camisole. I can see the straps, along with the shoulder seam allowances, through her thin sweater. Georgia and George explain that they didn't know whom the other was when they kissed. Ally ignores this in her rush to turn the conversation to herself. She accuses Georgia of trying to get even for the Ally/Billy kiss of last season. Georgia doesn't get to say anything because Ally says, "Could you please get out? I need to talk to my father." Georgia leaves and as she passes Ally we see how much nicer Georgia's white sweater is. "You cheat on mom?" Ally asks her dad. At first he's trying to blow it off, but then she's all raising her voice and pressing the question. George says he doesn't owe her an answer. Ally sarcastically repeats what he said. He starts, "While you were my daughter, living in my house..." Ally jumps on this like a dog on an old KFC box and keeps asking "I'm not your daughter anymore?" until her dad has to sternly tell her to let him finish. While Ally lived with her parents, George was completely faithful to his wife. Since Ally left, George has had one affair. Excuse me, but why is this Ally's business? I can't see myself ever asking my dad about his sexual relationships. I can't see myself raising kids rude enough to ask me about mine. And who is Ally to get angry about other people's affairs, when she's been slobbering to have one with Billy for the last few months at least? Whatever. So George had a six-month affair three years ago. Ally wants to know if it's less of a betrayal to her mom when Ally's not living there. George says that it's less of a betrayal to Ally. "Give me a break, Dad," says our non-heroine venomously. "No, why don't you give me one?" shoots back Dad. "No, you don't get one," peevish Ally replies. "You have affairs on Mom, you kiss Georgia in bars, you don't get a break. Sorry." Thanks for summing it up so that your mom can overhear, Ally McDramaQueen. George is all "Great -- anybody else who hasn't heard?" Elaine sticks her head through the door and says that she didn't, quite. Ally shoos her and Elaine says she'll catch up later.
Uh, oh. Ally's mom is the Drama Queen Oak from which the Acorn has fallen, because she says she'll catch everybody up right now. She walks into the living room and says, "Billy, your wife evidently kissed my husband in a bar last night. That's what all the yelling is about. Turkey should be almost done." Ally starts handing everyone their coats and yelling at them to leave. Nice hostess. Richard wants to know if he can help. She hugs him and tells him to leave. He asks if he can take the turkey. She says whatever. Ally walks over to M-C Pig Dog and says, "Well, Billy, who would have figured? Your wife, my father." You reap what you sow, people. There's your Thanksgiving harvest lesson. Billy stands there like the dorkrod he is and says nothing. John says "Ally." Ally waves him away. Whipper tells Renee to go with her so that they can give the McBeal Tragic Players some time alone. Renee's hair is horizontally fluffier than usual and she's wearing a tight, tight, red sweater that lets us all know that her bra is too small. "Who is that," asks my spouse, "Bozo the Clown?" Richard and Ling are hauling away as much food as they can carry. Mama McBeal tells Ally that she's leaving, too, but Ally won't hear of it. Ling tells Richard to invite everyone over to their place. Richard tells Whipper to get the wine for him as they follow everyone else out the door.