Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Tim Whoooooo? Inspector Whaaaaaa?
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.14.2005
The gorgeous opening travelogue is brutally marred by an ovary who seems -- how shall I put this? -- non-native to the English language. "I know what you did like a boy of summer gives his first kiss," the ovary opens, and it gets worse from there. "Love is dancing on my finger," it continues, "you got to the heart of the matter and linger." I...uh...gah...that...WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IN GOD'S NAME THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN? AUAUAUAAAAAGGH! Too early for an aneurysm. Too early for an aneurysm. Too early for an aneurysm. Okay. Whew. Damn, that was close. The travelogue ovary finally begins to make something resembling sense when it whines, "We're back in San Francisco, and you tell me I'm home!" just as the camera pans across the Manor façade. Which is actually on Carroll Avenue in Angelino Heights. In Los Angeles. Shut up, ovary. Up in the nonexistent attic, a quietly distraught Phoebe abuses the Book of Shadows as Piper enters from the upper hall. "What happened?" Piper asks, sisterly concern flooding every syllable. "[Raige] called and said you were attacked!" "I wasn't," Phoebe glumly admits, "a guy from my class was. He's dead." "Oh, God," Piper sighs sympathetically as she and Phoebe cross to Aunt Pearl's sofa to process through Phoebe's battered emotions, or something. Phoebe has learned that the monster responsible for so rudely offing such a hot piece of tail before the opening credits was a "Raptor Demon." "A hired gun," she clarifies. "Hired by whom?" Piper eyebrows. Phoebe doesn't have an answer for that, naturally, but she does let Piper know that Raige has fled to Not!warts in search of a lead. Because she's certain to find one there. Whatever. What's even more annoying than the invocation of Not!warts is that Phoebe promptly makes Tasty Tim's demise All About Her when she sighs, "He asked me out on a date for tomorrow night -- just my luck, huh?" like, bitch, I think the poor guy losing his life is a tiny bit worse than you losing a free dinner, you hateful, self-centered pig.
"Phoebe, stop it," Piper sighs, and I'd agree wholeheartedly, were Piper not for some reason enabling her wretched hag of a sister. "It's not like you're cursed or something." "We don't know that!" Phoebe blurts as she rises from the sofa and crosses to another table to flip through a few more reference books. "I might be cursed!" "We don't even know what's going on, here," Piper reminds her. "[Tasty] Tim could have been a witch, or another demon." "Definitely not a demon," Phoebe quietly insists. Piper continues with the boring pep-talk for a lengthy period of time before rising from the couch herself to suggest that Phoebe have Detective Doormat run a background check on the deceased male model. "And maybe," she adds a bit tentatively, "you should go to the morgue to see if you can get a premonition from his body?" "I really don't want to see him," Phoebe protests. "What if it's the only way to find out why he was killed?" Piper softly counters. Phoebe finally drags herself out her funk to snap, "Okay!" "You keep checking the Book," she instructs as she turns to exit the nonexistent room. Piper widens her eyes a bit at Phoebe's peevish tone, but does offer the hag a soothing "sure" in response as she watches Phoebe disappear down the stairs. Piper turns and approaches the Book's stand with outstretched hands, but just as she's about to touch the thing, the Book flares and violently snaps shut of its own accord, in the process sending out a burst of self-protective energy that knocks Piper onto her ass halfway across the room. The hell? Piper gazes at the Book from the floor for a long moment before -- get this -- cocking a brow, smirking, "Impressive," and morphing into Zankou! Woo! They haven't pulled a fake-out that sweet on this show in three years, and even then, they were only able to maintain the ruse for fifteen seconds before the Sole revealed himself. To make it through two whole minutes of airtime without dropping any hint at all that Piper's not quite herself? Unprecedented on this show. Sadly. In any event, Hot Zankou, still on the floor, qualifies, "Most impressive," before adding with a grin, "but you'll learn to like me yet." With that, Zankou blazes out of the nonexistent room as the camera pans over to the Book's triquatra-embossed cover to linger for a moment, before cutting down to...