Episode Report Card Couch Baron: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Said, She Said
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 07.15.1999
Moya's transport pod floats through space as we hear Crichton exclaim, "I am doing it!" My advice to you regarding that statement is, coincidentally, the same as my advice to you regarding the quality of the forthcoming episode: Don't get your hopes up. Anyway, Aeryn, through Crichton's typical mélange of what he calls Southernisms and the rest of us, whether in possession of translator microbes or not, call incomprehensible, is teaching Crichton to drive. Crichton is psyched that he's learning, so much so that he's unfazed when Aeryn informs him that he's picking up the skills "more slowly than the dumbest recruit." Of course, if he paused every time someone insulted his intelligence, it's probably safe to guess he wouldn't have made it this far, in several senses of the expression. Crichton exposits that the more modifications he makes to Farscape One, the more he needs to understand bio-mechanoid technology. He then babbles about how the area they're in is such a perfect spot for a driving lesson because there's nothing around for miles and miles and miles, and with that setup, even the dumbest recruit knows these two are headed for trouble. Of course, Crichton still has no idea.
Moya. Rygel is waxing reminiscent about all the odalisques he used to have in his seraglio, and I'm not using big words to be pretentious -- it just makes thinking about all the tail Rygel scored over the years a little more abstract. Zhaan isn't exactly hanging on Rygel's every word, either, especially as he's making an irritating noise with some sort of electronic strategy game that looks like a cross between checkers, shuffleboard, and Simon. Also annoyed is D'Argo, who busts into the room complaining about Moya's pregnancy secretions and smells, particularly since his Luxan nose is quite sensitive. He basically bitches that Crichton's too dumb to teach, while Zhaan damns Crichton with faint defense, essentially saying that while he's a moron, it might do them some good to spend the requisite time edumacating him. The three-way bitchery ends with D'Argo yelling at them to shut up. You'd think on a ship this size, these three might be able to spend a little time apart from each other, but apparently the outrageous price of sound stages is a universal constant.
Now we're back in the transport pod, where Crichton is babbling about how Top Gun the experience is. Aeryn: "I have no need for speed." Hee. She does admit that she enjoys the teamwork aspect of combat flying, but Crichton is hardly her ideal partner, and he'd never make it as a Peacekeeper. "You screw up on the last day of simulation flying, you die." Crichton sarcastically asks if the simulator kills you, but Aeryn's silence confirms that that's actually the case. Between that and the genetic sieving, Crichton, it's lucky you grew up in our neck of the woods. There's an odd cut to an exterior shot, and Aeryn exposits she's getting something to eat when the pod appears to get caught by some invisible force. Despite Crichton's inability to get any "pulseback soundings," they continue to get pulled in, with both of them eventually getting thrown from their chairs and into the opening credits.