Episode Report Card Erin: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT She's alive! ALIIIIIVE!
By Erin | Season 4 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.17.2005
Sloane looks at his daughter and ookily puts his hands on her face, saying that they're the first people to come to this place in 500 years and now, only she can complete the journey. She doesn't understand. He tells her that she has to go get the box and bring it to him. She doesn't understand. He tells her Rambaldi had a role for her to play and now he needs her to bring him the Sphere. She doesn't understand. Sloane's all, JUST GO GET THE GODDAMN BOX, BRING IT BACK TO ME, AND LET ME GET ON WITH DESTROYING THE WORLD! Seriously, though, how many different ways can you say, "Bring me the effin' sphere already"? Like, GET IT, already, Nadia!
I guess she finally gets it, because she walks across the glass floor toward the box. Once there, she gently opens the box. Sloane tells her, AGAIN, to bring the box to him. Nadia must not understand him, AGAIN, because she just keeps on opening it until the Sphere is clearly visible. She puts her hands on it and is immediately faced with images of violence and death and destruction. I tracked through it super-slow (thanks, TiVo!) and this is what we see, in order: a tank with fires burning all around it, a large monolith with fires burning behind it and people running past screaming, a super-big explosion, Sydney being strangled from behind with a chain, soldiers running, a sky of fire raining down on a city in flames, civilians falling to the ground, Clifford the Small Red Ball spinning, Sydney trying to take someone's gun away (that person's face isn't seen), and Nadia looking like death on a cracker with big bulging and glowing red eyes. Gack! I was only kidding when I said I wanted Nadia's eyes to glow and be all evil and shit!
Nadia doesn't like what she's seen and she turns around all, this shit isn't for good! It's for evil! You lied! It ain't about peace! Sloane's all, I'm your father. Bring me the box. AGAIN. SOME MORE. Nadia just walks away from the box as the glass creaks beneath her. When she gets to Sloane, he grabs her and repeats his request for the box, only this time with full-body shakes. Nadia tells him to go fuck himself. Or she tells him to walk away with her. Sloane tells her to go fuck herself. Or he calls her a coward and goes to get the box himself. Ignoring the creaking glass, that greedy little bugger goes after the Sphere. "He chose me," he says creepily. He starts to close up the box and take it with him, but the glass has other ideas. CRASH! Down he goes into a big, dark pit of HELL. Nadia heads down after him and he's riddled with shards of glass. Instead of heading back up top in order to contact, oh, I don't know, PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL HELP, Nadia just proceeds to pick big chunks of stained glass out of her father's body. Way to pretend you're Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, NADIA. Sloane gasps that he thought for sure she'd be gone after that whole "GET THE DAMN BOX YOU COWARD" scenario occurred. Nadia's all, oh, please. You're my father. And I like picking glass out of people. S'fun. She states that she's going to get him out of there and then yanks a gargantuan piece of glass out of his chest because, you know, if she didn't, leaving it in while she moved him could, um, kill him. Yeah, because TAKING IT OUT is a BETTER IDEA. The Violins of Duh, He's Not Dead, Y'all, Or Haven't You Seen This Whole Damn Season take us out to the break.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Sloane's filling in the troops (now with 100% more Angela Bassett!) on Lazlo Drake and how it's a certainty that Elena's going to see him, seeing as Drake has the Rambaldi Handbook of Evil Endgames. Vaughn's all, uh, sorry, endgame? What the hell IS Rambaldi's endgame, if you don't mind my asking? Well, I certainly don't, Vaughn. In fact, I think I've been asking that since, um, midway through Season One? Maybe? Perhaps? Sloane says that, in Elena's hands, the endgame will most likely be an apocalypse. You know, I never really understand it when an evil person gets their hands on something that could be good or evil and the evil person always heads directly for…apocalypse. Aren't there better things to do with evil weapons? Like…make it so you win the lottery every year for twenty years or something? Make your downstairs neighbor stop hammering at 2 AM on a Wednesday? Make Dove dark chocolate ice cream bars fat-free and actually beneficial to your health? Just…anything has to be more interesting than a damn apocalypse. For one thing, you start an apocalypse, YOU CAN'T STOP IT. So, like, there goes your whole plan for world domination, Elena. People in the middle of an apocalypse ain't gonna stop for your ass and be all, "Oh, hey! Thanks for starting this nice apocalypse! I just killed my grandpa and ate his bicep! You rock, Elena!" I just…what's left after the world's destroyed, huh? You're all alone and EVERYTHING'S ON FIRE. Unless you want to have one hell of a cookout, I really don't see the bloody point. Of course, I've been in my pajamas since about six-thirty this evening, so what the hell do I know?