Episode Report Card Erin: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT She's alive! ALIIIIIVE!
By Erin | Season 4 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.17.2005
Vaughn enters Jack's office. Jack's on the phone, talking in Russian to some dude on the other end. Victor Garber actually has pretty decent fake Russian going on. It's better than Jen Garner's, at least. Vaughn just stands there nervously until Jack throws down the phone and says disgustedly, "As if weapons-grade anthrax grows on trees." HEE. Jack's all, whaddya want? Vaughn's all, I can come back. Jack's all, dude. I'm bored. I've been playing Collapse! for the past two hours while listening to that Chechnyan jackass yammer at me about anthrax. Whatever you have to tell me will be a welcome relief. Vaughn's inner monologue: I highly fucking doubt that, mister man. I love this whole damn scene from start to finish. I can't stop giggling.
Vaughn takes a breath and steps forward and starts hemming and hawing about having been through a lot together and Jack respecting tradition and Jack's face is like, dude? Get to the damn point already. And the answer is NO, by the way. "Please get to the point, Agent Vaughn," Jack finally snaps. Vaughn sucks it up and says, "I'm gonna ask Sydney to marry me and…I'd like your blessing." Jack looks like he just ate a weasel covered in unrefined petroleum. Then he stands up and says, "Perhaps you believe my recent illness rendered me less coherent than before or that my cognitive faculties have somehow dulled or diminished. Allow me to clarify the facts for you, Agent Vaughn. While I've come to believe you're not as useless as I first imagined, I still don't feel you have --" Jack doesn't get to finish telling Vaughn, um, HELL NO, because right then a bunch of alarms go blaring and agents start scrambling and shit starts going down.
One dude stalks through and declares that he's running a warranted search of the premises. Jack steps up and asks to see the warrant. It's good. And it's been signed by Angela Bassett. Speaking of Angie, she's over at the Barbie Penthouse, demanding that Sydney tell her where Nadia is. Angie, followed by a bunch of CIA henchmen, goes storming in and tells Syd to cooperate. Syd does, telling them that Nadia's in the shower. An agent heads for the shower, only to have Nadia knock him out with her gun while wearing only a Fieldcrest towel. What? I went to Target this weekend, what of it? Angie tells Nadia to stand down and Nadia's all, what the hell? Angie's all, you got some 'splainin' to doooo.
Elsewhere in the domicile, agents are coming across far too much weaponry for two little girls to have in their possession: rifles, pistols, sub-machine guns, swords, knives, nunchakus, maces, battleaxes, that big-ass Gimli axe, a tank, a small Mendolovian army, cougars, and a cap gun. Angie asks Nadia if the laptop she's holding belongs to her and if anyone else uses it. Nadia says it's hers and, no, she's the only person who uses it. Meanwhile, an agent is running down a list of all the weapons Syd has hidden in her lingerie drawer: an assault rifle, two tazers, a catapult with one cow ready to launch, a box cutter, a rabid wombat, a dish of red curry from the Ganesh Palace on Devon, a family of hungry termites, and a spork. Syd's all, yeah? And? Can't a girl protect herself? By the way, you forgot to count my bra as a weapon, dude. Seriously. My boobs can get up to some major damage when it's warranted.