Episode Report Card Michael Neal: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Scrump That Screwed Christmas
By Michael Neal | Season 3 | Episode 6 | Aired on 12.11.2008
Colleen gets wheeled into the hallway and in front of Jack. This woman is tougher than Charles Oakley. That's two hip replacement surgeries and she's already out and about in the world. Jack apologizes quickly for not spending more time with her because of work. "What kind of time, Jackie? Eight minutes maybe? John Francis Donaghy how could you? Waiting eight minutes to call 911. I can't believe it." Jack denies it and tries to walk away but Colleen has proof. Exhibit A is Jack's cell phone bill. He made a call to 911 at 8:16 am but, if you will all refer to Exhibit B, Colleen's Chopard watch that stopped ticking because of the accident is set at 8:08. Exhibit C is a flash card exercise. I remember those from my days being tutored by 10th grade Sally. Sixteen minus eight is eight. That is correct. Now take off your shirt. I had a very sexy childhood. Jack's mom had a very sexy Jack's childhood and he reminds her of all her past sins against him, including inviting strange men over on Christmas eve. "I am 50 years old. You have ruined every Christmas I've ever had and I'm not letting you take down this one too!" He walks away from her.Lemon, Kenneth, and Tracy return to the Glover household and Lemon knocks on the door. Two little boys answer to her great surprise. They are Tashawnte and Marcus. She asks if they received their Christmas gifts and both of them nod yes. "I did that," says Lemon. "I got that stuff for you. I'm the one who made Christmas happen." Tashawnte yells back "What about Santa?" He calls for his daddy, who abruptly appears. "Daddy she said there is no Santa Clause." "What is wrong with you?" asks Mr. Glover. Lemon apologizes and offers them tickets to a live Christmas special in the tradition of Andy Williams... The door slams in her face. Okay, well then Kenneth was right. They go back to work. And at work Jack is putting the finishing touches on the show. "I'm trying to do a Christmas special that makes It's A Wonderful Life look like Pulp Fiction." He yells at the set because he doesn't see a Mrs. Claus character and Lemon tells him she cut it, not thinking he was serious. "You can't cut Mrs. Claus," he says. She needs to be there to hang up stockings, put out food for Santa, sing songs at the piano, and tuck you in at night. Jack believes it's part of the Christmas tradition, but Lemon sets him straight that it's not -- that it was something his mother did for him as a child, probably to make up for his missing father. Oh, and that Schwarz guy? His name was Frederick August Otto Schwarz? That was F.A.O. Schwarz. "Your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you." Jack realizes suddenly all that his mother did for him at Christmas and he finds her and tells her that he loves her. Together they breathlessly admire the song Jenna is singing on set. His mind drifts and imagines he and dear old mum sitting at the piano together signing "The Christmas Song" quite elegantly. It's quite a lovely little Christmas moment and doubly effective considering how unserious the show normally is. He chimes in at the end and the duet peaces out the show. Merry Christmas, all you bastards and to all a good night.