Episode Report Card Lady Lola: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Babies on Board
By Lady Lola | Season 5 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.10.2011
Toronto. Jack and Avery arrive in their hotel room, the Prime Minister's Suite. Jack beholds the site of the G8 Summit across the street and suggests to Avery that they do it on the balcony. As he prepares himself, she grabs the bellboy's hand in the agony of a contraction. He can't believe she's in labor because she's not due until March. She begs him to get her back to the airport so their daughter won't be a (gasp!) Canadian. They worry about all the things she'll be denied if she's a second-class American (a.k.a. a Canadian). She grabs his neck and holds on for dear life as what is sure to be a long journey to the border begins. Good thing their nearest border city isn't in Arizona.
Back in New York, Tracy is bored -- and maybe a little scared of the decrepit, old white ladies -- at his luncheon. He stands up to speak and starts blubbering instantly about the cashews looking like baby penises. He tries to convince himself out loud that being an EGOTer is fun and toasts to spending the rest of his life in rooms like the one he's in now.
Plane. A baby cries as Lemon's seatmate wonders why it's been over an hour when Carol announced they'd been leaving in 30 minutes. Flight attendant Stuart announces they're starting in-flight entertainment: Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole and several sitcom pilots that weren't picked up by NBC. More babies cry. Lemon heads to the front to talk to Carol. He says it'll be another half hour. She questions how long it's been, so he lets her in on a trade secret: When pilots say "about half an hour," it's really just a clever calculation for how much time they know passengers can withstand mentally, though not necessarily the truth. Lemon disapproves, which starts a fight. She senses his tension and finally backs down, returns to her seat, and tells her neighbor it'll be about half an hour.
Back in Toronto, all the flights back to New York are cancelled, the rental cars are booked, and trains and buses are sold out. Even Jack's AmEx Invisible Card isn't working its magic like usual. Avery desperately suggests they run to the border, but Jack doesn't know how far it is because the lady at the desk told him the distance in kilometers. Jack returns to the idea of their similarities being a double-edged sword. Even though it makes them dynamite at three-legged races, he says, perhaps their radical patriotism is holding them back in this situation. He proposes it might not be so bad for their daughter to be born in Canada. He brings up the example of Alexander Hamilton, who was born in the West Indies. Avery shuts down this suggestion, spitting that Hamilton grew up "to be a mouthpiece for Federalism and die in a duel against someone named Aaron." She asks incredulously, "Is that what you want our daughter to be? A big-government duel loser?" This round goes to Jessup. They head out to the streets, steeling themselves to hitchhike homeward.