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Jack and Avery fly up to Toronto for a titillating weekend at the G8 Summit. Instead of indulging their most carnal politics-based fantasies, Avery goes into labor (or "labour" as the Canucks would have it be known), and the Donaghy-Jessups go into freak-out mode that they might birth a Canadian daughter. That would be oat of the question. In a desperate bid to hitch a ride back to America -- and before you can say "Frozen River meets Winter's Bone" -- they find themselves driving a Canadian named Lorne (John Cho) and his mobile meth lab across the border. Jack has second thoughts in a gas station somewhere outside of St. Catharines (or any Canadian border city of your choosing) and decides to back down for the benefit of little Maple Leaf Jessup, eh. She comes into the world in all her Canadian glory, only to have her first sight be her parents walking out of the hospital in a rage when her Socialist bastard countrymen won't accept money for health care.
Lemon and Carol also attempt a romantic holiday when he offers her a free seat on his flight to Nags Head, NC. Jack warns Lemon she is doomed to fail by dating someone as similar to herself as Carol. His prophecy comes true during a particularly long delay on the tarmac, when she is roped into leading a passenger revolt. After refusing to admit she was wrong to question Carol's authority, Lemon gets herself a one-way ticket out of their relationship -- and I'd imagine a prominent spot on the No Fly List. But not before going bananas and forcing Carol to pull the air marshal's gun on her. Like I said, No Fly List.
Tracy begins his post-EGOT victory tour and quickly finds the downside to such acclaim -- making speeches to a whole bunch damn old white ladies. He shies away from the social responsibility of an EGOT-er until Kenneth gives him a pep talk to the tune of "You were meant for greatness. " Prone to wild logical leaps as he is, Tracy interprets Kenneth's advice to mean that he should save humanity, first stop: Africa. In your face, Clooneys and Jolies of the world, you EGOT-less losers.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Lemon enters Jack's office and mentions she's going on a weekender with Carol to Nags Head, NC. Jack thinks Lemon going to Nags Head is redundant. She pulls out a piece of paper predicting this jab with no small amount of self-satisfaction. With even greater self-satisfaction, he pulls out a piece of paper predicting she would predict his jab. This round goes to Donaghy. He notes that he an Avery are also taking a romantic weekend before the baby comes. They're going to Toronto for the G8 Summit. He growls that it will be very erotic. Lemon whispers that she "packed underwear... that isn't gray." She thinks it's a blessing to date someone just like oneself, for example partnered "Type A nut jobs" Jack and Avery, or she and Carol. Jack calls them both stubborn. She prefers to call it principled. Jack warns her that dating someone very similar can be a double-edged sword because they also share the same flaws. She says that would only be a problem if she had any flaws. Jack: "Not only is your fly open. There's a pencil sticking out it." Credits.
Downstairs, Jenna practices congratulating Tracy for achieving the elusive EGOT and proving once and for all that he is more talented than she is. Pan down to her holding her hand over a lit candle -- perhaps the only thing more painful than Jenna admitting someone else is better at something (anything!) than she is. She barges into Tracy's room to congratulate him, but she can't get a word in because Kenneth is running down a list of the rare and exotic perks Tracy will receive because of his success. She walks out, broken.
Lemon enters to congratulate Tracy on his Oscar acceptance speech. Cut to a Brando-style moment where Tracy stands silently while a Native American woman accepts his award for him. Because Tracy's mouth is full. Of Pop Tarts. Lemon and Tracy are both excited to see how his success will be her downfalls. They're interrupted when Kenneth brings in Tracy's suit for the Council on Poverty luncheon. He also reminds Tracy he's speaking at the Clinton Foundation that afternoon. Says Tracy, "Speaking? That doesn't sound like me. That's sounds like work." Lemon tells him that his new -level career won't be all fun and games because people will expect him to use his power for good. It's a double-edged sword, chips in Dot Com. Tracy looks skeptical.
Later, Lemon makes her way down the jetway onto the plane, where she has a run-in with a pushy guy in Jets sweatpants. Carol asks, "Excuse me, young lady, are you old enough to be traveling alone?" She puts on a baby voice and jokes about seeing her Nana, then quickly realizes that fantasy is just a little bit tainted by its pedophile implications. Carol gets an eyeful of sweatpants guy and employs his bitchy male flight attendant Stuart to exact some airplane whoop-ass on the guy. Lemon is well impressed. She heads back to sit down, where she meets the guy across the aisle who is totally not an air marshal. Carol announces that there is runway traffic, and they'll be taking off in about half an hour. Lemon introduces herself to her neighbor as the pilot's girlfriend before gasping that there's a man on the wing. She recognizes soon after scaring the bejesus out of everyone that they are not, in fact, airborne, and that the man in question is a mechanic. Smooth.
Toronto. Jack and Avery arrive in their hotel room, the Prime Minister's Suite. Jack beholds the site of the G8 Summit across the street and suggests to Avery that they do it on the balcony. As he prepares himself, she grabs the bellboy's hand in the agony of a contraction. He can't believe she's in labor because she's not due until March. She begs him to get her back to the airport so their daughter won't be a (gasp!) Canadian. They worry about all the things she'll be denied if she's a second-class American (a.k.a. a Canadian). She grabs his neck and holds on for dear life as what is sure to be a long journey to the border begins. Good thing their nearest border city isn't in Arizona.
Back in New York, Tracy is bored -- and maybe a little scared of the decrepit, old white ladies -- at his luncheon. He stands up to speak and starts blubbering instantly about the cashews looking like baby penises. He tries to convince himself out loud that being an EGOTer is fun and toasts to spending the rest of his life in rooms like the one he's in now.
Plane. A baby cries as Lemon's seatmate wonders why it's been over an hour when Carol announced they'd been leaving in 30 minutes. Flight attendant Stuart announces they're starting in-flight entertainment: Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole and several sitcom pilots that weren't picked up by NBC. More babies cry. Lemon heads to the front to talk to Carol. He says it'll be another half hour. She questions how long it's been, so he lets her in on a trade secret: When pilots say "about half an hour," it's really just a clever calculation for how much time they know passengers can withstand mentally, though not necessarily the truth. Lemon disapproves, which starts a fight. She senses his tension and finally backs down, returns to her seat, and tells her neighbor it'll be about half an hour.
Back in Toronto, all the flights back to New York are cancelled, the rental cars are booked, and trains and buses are sold out. Even Jack's AmEx Invisible Card isn't working its magic like usual. Avery desperately suggests they run to the border, but Jack doesn't know how far it is because the lady at the desk told him the distance in kilometers. Jack returns to the idea of their similarities being a double-edged sword. Even though it makes them dynamite at three-legged races, he says, perhaps their radical patriotism is holding them back in this situation. He proposes it might not be so bad for their daughter to be born in Canada. He brings up the example of Alexander Hamilton, who was born in the West Indies. Avery shuts down this suggestion, spitting that Hamilton grew up "to be a mouthpiece for Federalism and die in a duel against someone named Aaron." She asks incredulously, "Is that what you want our daughter to be? A big-government duel loser?" This round goes to Jessup. They head out to the streets, steeling themselves to hitchhike homeward.
Back on the plane, yet more babies are crying as the failed NBC sitcoms play for a second rotation. One highlight is Gals on the Town, a Lipstick Jungle/Cashmere Mafia redux starring Aisha Tyler, Teri Polo, and infamous show killer Lindsay Price. Sample opening credits lyrics: "Love and friendship, having it all... or maybe just a great pair of shoes! One of them has to be Asian and they be good at their jobs!" At this, the air marshal disintegrates into sobs, a woman staggers down the aisle begging for someone to do something, and Lemon's neighbor echoes her cries. Lemon stands up to rally the passengers and remind them of the magazine-buying, leg-crossing, Chili's Express-eating people back in the terminal. "We were like them once, and we can be again!" Though the woman in the aisle fears they're just "airplane folk now," Lemon is certain that Carol is a reasonable, compromising man (and not just about sexual positions). She tells them if they can come up with a list of things they want, he'll certainly give them those things. Everyone cheers.
A few moments later, Carol shuts down all her demands. He doesn't want to waste gas by turning on the air conditioning, he refuses to force Stuart -- a dance major from Carnegie Mellon -- to clean bathrooms, and he denies them food because the potato chips are specially packaged for mid-air opening and, thus, might kill someone if opened on the ground. She says he can at least tell them when they're taking off. In about half an hour, of course. She thinks he should decide to help them because they're people. He thinks she should decided whether he is just another authority figure she's rebelling against... like that police horse she yelled at. Snorts back Lemon, "If I can't poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?" She tells him he's terrible at his job and realizes quickly, perhaps from the glares of the flight crew surrounding her, that she overstepped her bounds. He presses the PA button, and Stuart cheerfully snarls, "And the Captain has turned on the 'Fasten Seatbelts' sign. All passengers, including any lipless middle-aged women in lesbian clown shirts, should please take their seat at this time." Carol and Stuart pound fists as Lemon skulks back to steerage and the crying babies.
30 Rock. Kenneth gives Tracy his itinerary for the day. He is once again annoyed by his responsibilities. Pete introduces him to the "Peter Principle," which says that people are apt to rise to the level of their incompetence. "But my incompetence knows no bounds," moans Tracy. Pete says he would hide out until people forgot about him, but qualifies it by saying that Hornbergers are famous cowards. For example, his grandfather, who wore a German uniform under his American one during D-Day... just in case. Pete leaves, and Kenneth mumbles that there's a reason men like Pete aren't destined for greatness. He wonders how some people can sleep at night if they turn their backs on their community and the world. Tracy ponders what Kenneth is saying but is still scared about the responsibilities that have befallen him since EGOT-ing. Kenneth laughs at this because Tracy doesn't know the meaning of scared -- Kenneth has had to look it up for him at least eight times.
Back up in the Great White North, Jack and Avery finally find a ride. In a van with John Cho! On two conditions: They have to drive and can't smoke. Their new Canadian friend Lorne (John Cho) chuckles that, if they're cops, they have to tell them, then accidentally leaves open the curtains to the back of the van and reveals a mobile meth lab. Jack thinks it might be a wise time to quit, but Avery will have none of it, so they agree to "drive this bomb to Buffalo and get this little bitch" born.
More plane. More crying. More tubby, middle-aged men walking down the aisles shirtless. Lemon, now stripped down to only a camisole on top, heads to the galley to suck on a used tea bag from the garbage. Carol finds her there to tell her they've been offered a gate, so they can head back to the lounge with reclining chairs and turkey wraps. "Tuuuuuurkey wraaaaaaps," growls Lemon's stomach. But he'll only go if Lemon makes a plane-wide announcement that she was wrong. They descend into a verbal slapping match about all the things they hate about each other. She insults him, oversees a show with such timely fare as "Austin Powers on Crossfire," and won't admit she's wrong even when there's irrefutable evidence. He has no compunction to make passengers suffer for his pride, uses a goofy voice on the intercom, and builds bookshelves so the books will slide off (or so he claims). It all boils down the fact that they're both stubborn as mules. The argument wraps up with Lemon saying she'd rather die on the plane than bow to his authority. He tells her that can be arranged.
Somewhere north of the Canadian-American border, the snow is falling heavily as Jack gasses up the ol' meth lab. Since his jig is up, Lorne wonders what Jack and Avery are smuggling in Avery's "fake" belly. Could it be unpasteurized cheese? Prescription drugs? Maple syrup from the Sacred Tree of Souls in Winnipeg? Jack assures him that Avery's pregnancy is real, even her sitcom-y contraction howls. Lorne advises them to head to a hospital and launches into a meandering tale about how his intense parents drove him to the place he is today. Somewhere between the riffs on Quebec stereotypes and the offer of meth, Jack realizes he has to give in and call the hospital. He starts to dial 9-1-1, but Lorne tells him that it's 2-7-2 in Canada. Jack tells him flatly, "I will not do that."
30 Rock. Tracy finds Kenneth and tells him that his words have had an impact. Tracy is determined to fix the world, starting with "the worst place ever." Nope, not IKEA on Saturday. Africa! Tracy says he's leaving today. Kenneth has but a split-second to digest the news before Jenna materializes from thin air and orders him to begin moving her things into Tracy's dressing room.
Plane. After Carol announces that it's going to be "about another half hour," Lemon goes rogue. She tells the passengers that Carol has gone insane. He cuts in over the intercom and tells them not to listen to her. She tells them, based on her recent viewing of Crimson Tide, that it's time for mutiny. He announces that he is invoking Sky Law to make silence the shrieking harpy. She spills that he had the option to go to a gate, and thus the rabbling starts. Carol rushes out to shift the blame, telling them Lemon caused this situation by refusing to admit she was wrong. The air marshal suggests they both admit they were wrong simultaneously. Instead, they both shout, "1-2-3, never!" The staggering lady points out that they shouldn't date because they're too similar. Lemon starts toward the back so she can pull the emergency slide, Slater her way out of there, and "become a folk hero like that guy everyone hates now." She tells him to try to stop her, so he pulls the marshal's gun and threatens, "I will waste you!" She picks up the nearest old man and tells Carol he'll "have to through this old bastard first." He slowly lowers the gun, she loosens her grip on the old timer, and they both realize what an insane situation they've gotten themselves in. She mumbles that she hopes they can still be friends.
A while later, she gets back to her apartment as Jack calls to announce they had the baby. Prods Avery, "We? We?" He tells her to shush and get her rest. He acknowledges that the baby (who looks about eight months old, btw) is Canadian-American but promises to treat her "just like a human baby." He recounts the night's shenanigans and frames it that he had to step up. Avery screams in the back that he quit, and he asks sharply whether they gave her a Percocet. Lemon realizes ruefully that someone eventually has to quit to make a relationship work. She wishes Jack and Avery the best during the lifetime of fighting the double-edged sword. Jack reminds her he called because it was supposed to be a joyous occasion. She cheers up and starts talking about her evening with Carol, but she's interrupted when Avery and Jack become incensed that the whack job Socialists on the Canadian medical team will not take their money. They grab Baby Donaghy-Jessup and walk right out of there.
Bonus! Kenneth videochats with a newly dashiki'd Tracy in Africa as Tracy recounts his experience teaching the locals the words to "Monster Mash." Kenneth wonders when Tracy's coming back since TGS is starting up in a couple of weeks. Tracy insists this new phase of his life is bigger than the show and shuts off his computer. After, we see that Tracy is not in fact in Africa, but in a sound stage made to look like Africa. He walks glumly over to his cot and says, "Yep, really good decision..."
How about some jokes, eh?
Travel Hazards
Lemon: Hey, do you have a neck pillow? I blew mine up, and now it smells like my mouth.
Jack: I never sleep on planes. I don't want to get incepted.
The Perks of EGOT-ing, Part 1
Kenneth: The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing.
Tracy: Clear!
Kenneth: Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for Spring Break.
Tracy: I'll need a whale saddle.
Kenneth: And Steven Spielberg wants you to star in his movie.
Tracy: Kate Capshaw's husband?
The Perks of EGOT-ing, Part 2
Lemon: Tracy, congratulations. I loved your acceptance speech. So I guess you've made it to the level. I look forward to seeing how this empowers you to make my life more difficult.
Tracy: As am I, Liz Lemon. It'll probably involve a guitar-playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning. Oh, hold on... Dot Com is confirming that he drowned. [Kenneth walks in with a suit for Tracy.] Why are you putting me in a suit? I still haven't memorized my Torah passage.
Airborne Vengeance
Carol: Ugh, look at sweatpants guy. This is a 90-million dollar aircraft, not a Tallahassee strip club. Stuart, 21-18 that guy.
Stuart: Excuse me, Mr. Sweatpants, we're gonna have to check that bag.
Carol: And that is Sky Law.
But She'll Have Excellent Death Panels!
Bellboy: Well, if you need anything else-- [Avery grabs his hand and screams] Oh, God! You're breaking the extra bone all Canadians have in their hands.
Avery: Jack, I think the baby's coming!
Jack: What? You're not due until March. Why did I buy a beryllium mine if her birthstone isn't going to be aquamarine?
Avery: We need to get to the airport.
Jack: Airport? We need to get you to a hospital.
Avery: No, this is Canada! If she's born here...
Jack: Good God, she'll be Canadian!
Bellboy: At the risk of sounding incredibly rude, I would beg your pardon and ask you, in your opinion, what's so wrong aboat being a Canadian?
Jack: Your milk comes in bags... bags!
Avery: Your pavilion at Epcot doesn't have a ride.
Jack: And if Canada is so nice and friendly, why does most of our meth come from your Asian drug gangs?
Avery: Are we not even making our own meth? What is happening to American manufacturing?
Jack: Take our things downstairs and get us a car to the airport.
Avery: Oh my God, Jack. If our child is born here, she can't be president!
Jack: Don't even say it. We're having an American, and she will be president. No matter how ridiculous that sentence sounds.
Avery: If only we were in Kenya right now, we'd be fine.
Herds of Walking Mozzarella Sticks = My New Catchphrase
Stuart: Excuse me, while we're waiting to take off, we're going to go ahead and begin our in-flight entertainment, which is the feature film Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole and some NBC sitcoms that didn't make the schedule. [Passengers groan]
Lemon: Hey.
Carol: Hey, Lizzie, you okay?
Lemon: People are starting to get a little antsy back there.
Carol: Yeah... it's gonna be about another half hour.
Lemon: Really? 'Cause I checked flight tracker on my phone, and our status is just an angry red frowny face.
Carol: Okay, you wanna know a little pilot secret -- besides the fact that we get a discount from Sunglass Hut? The half hour thing is a trick. It's enough time so that people know they're gonna have to wait, but it doesn't upset them.
Lemon: So you're lying? That's not right. We're paying customers.
Carol: Look, Liz, we have reasons for doing things the way we do them. We say half an hour to control the herds of walking mozzarella sticks who think that $300 and a photo ID gives them right to fly through the air like one of the guardians owls of legend. God, that's been our in-flight movie for months.
Lemon: I just think it's frustrating for people to know that they're being lied to.
Carol: Maybe you just want to fly the plane yourself. Well good luck pressing "Take Off," then "Autopilot," then "Land!"
The Pitfalls of EGOT-ing
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, several messages for you.
Tracy: Breakfast with Schumer? I don't want to watch that guy eat. 5K homeless walk? That just seems cruel. Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools. The level sucks!
Quitters Never Win, But They Do Occasionally Stumble into Mobile Meth Labs
Jack: If you want to quit--
Avery: Quit? I've never quit anything in my life. I'm still a Girl Scout. I have 9,000 badges.
Jack: Hey, I'm still looking for a golf ball I shagged in 1987. I am not taking that penalty shot!
Parent, Hood
Lorne: You guys should be in a hospital, not driving to Buffalo in a snowstorm.
Jack: Thank you for your input, Lorne, but Avery and I want our daughter to be born in America so she can one day become president and declare war on Germany like back when we were awesome.
Lorne: You know, you remind me of my parents.
Jack: I find that very hard to believe.
Lorne: They were both really intense. They wanted me to grow up to be Prime Minister, so as a kid I had to win the Spelling Bee. They made me memorize all 700 words in the Canadian dictionary. Then I had to go to law school.
Jack: You went to law school?
Lorne: For one day. I was just so tightly wound that I got kicked out for karate chopping my roommate. I know, I'm a stereotype. All guys from Quebec are good at karate.