Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Kiefer kombustion
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.18.2002
Back at the TerrorKompound, Gaines steps out of the TerrorShack to oversee the TerrorMove. He notices Rick loading a van and reminds him to go check on Igor. Rick is all, "Yes, sir!" and heads for The Stable Of Sensuality, where Kiefer and the Kieferettes are hanging out and looking at Igor's body. Kiefer asks Bride who the guy is. You know your marriage is in trouble when you're hanging out with a dead man against your will, your daughter is present, and your husband still acts jealous. Bride is cool, though. She tells Kiefer that Igor tried to kill them earlier, but neglects to mention the whole squeaky-squeaky thing. Kiefer koncludes that someone is going to kome looking for Igor pretty soon and they need to get out of there. Bride has more stomach pains. Kiefer, who seems to know what they are, holds her until the pain passes. Rick knocks at the door. Kiefer draws his gun. Spawn is all, "Dad! He's, like, the one who gave us the gun and he's totally cute and stuff!" Kiefer wrestles him to the ground anyway. After Rick explains that he's just a cash-poor pothead and not a terrorist, Kiefer lets him live.
CTU. Holding Room Two. Close up of SubstituteKiefer interrogating Soul Patch. Tamara Tunie has one of those perfectly imperfect faces where you could see one of her managers or agents pressuring her to get a nose job early on in her career, but fortunately she never did. Another shot of the two of them reveals that Holding Room Two, while devoid of any fussy decoration, is equipped with the same DWR furniture as the interrogation room of the LAPD where they brought Kiefer after he killed Officer Macy Gray. I guess there's something about the "simple undisturbed beauty" of the Modotti Table and the "practicality and standard-issue aesthetic" of the Emeco Naval Sidechair that makes the most hardened criminals of L.A. spill their guts. Plus a bad-ass crime-fighting diva like Alberta really shouldn't have to sit on a Staples desk chair, ever. She goes over the reasons why Soul Patch should rat out Nina, while a shot of him reveals a really nice stainless steel wall hanging framed in birch behind his head. I wonder if it also functions as a CD holder. But I guess I'll never know, since I can't find anything like it in the usual catalogs that I study like porn. Oh, and speaking of furniture -- and as some of you have emailed me to remind me, I haven't in a while -- I went to Ikea this weekend and I was quite impressed. My boyfriend wanted to go, and I tried to talk him out of it because every time I've been in the past, the stuff that looks nice in the catalog always looks like ass in real life. I don't know what it is about this guy I've been going out with for almost a year now. All my friends think he's really sweet and quiet, but there I am on a Sunday at 10 AM aboard a bus to Elizabeth, New Jersey, and I don't know how someone convinced me to get out of bed and into the shower by 10 AM on a Sunday -- let alone to Port Authority to catch the free bus to Ikea -- without suffering serious bodily harm. Talk about the longest day of my life. Nevertheless, Ikea was full of stuff I wanted -- well, except for the endless supply of screaming children everywhere. I bought a faux Noguchi lamp for $14.95 and some birch desk organizers for $6 each. Anyway, the screen splits to reveal Nina in Holding Room One, which also contains a Modotti Table, a pair of Emeco Naval Sidechairs, and the same stainless steel wall hanging/CD rack, and the minimalist design scheme is driving her crazy. Alberta gives Soul Patch ten minutes to reveal Kiefer's location before she has him prosecuted for endangering the life of a presidential candidate. She leaves the room to go make out with Nina while Soul Patch weighs his options.
Back at the TerrorKompound, Kiefer wants to go get FauxYork's car and drive back to The Stable Of Sensuality to pick up the Kieferettes. Bride is all, "You're not leaving us!" and although she doesn't have a wet towel handy, she doesn't need one to force Kiefer to reconsider his plan. Rick volunteers to use his TerrorStatus to go get one of the vans and pick them all up. Spawn vouches for Rick's trustworthiness and competence, despite the fact that Rick, since midnight, has kidnapped her, botched said kidnapping a couple of times, failed to help her escape, failed to escape himself, encouraged one of his buddies to rape her, and given the Kieferettes a bad gun. While Kiefer weighs Spawn's expert recommendation, Rick's walkie-talkie goes off. It's Gaines. He wants to know where Igor is. Rick thinks fast for once and tells Gaines that Igor is still burying the Kieferettes. Gaines threatens to "come down there" if he doesn't see Igor soon. Kiefer gives Rick five minutes to fetch the van. He exits, giving Spawn a little wave. Spawn's bosom heaves. The time is 11:34:50 AM.