Over by a small footbridge, Ryan, Trista, and just one camera crew, a supervising producer, and that guy who stands around and holds that big-ass light all share a wonderfully private moment between the lovebirds, as Trista and Ryan kiss and say "I love you" a lot of times. She baby-voices, "I'm so excited my friends are here," and Ryan furthers the discourse of human nature with a stultifying "I know. It's fun." Ryan doesn't think it's fun.
"I think this is a huge fairy tale for Trista and Ryan," says Katie, a college friend of Trista's who cleverly remembered that they're actually going to SEE this on TELEVISION one day. "I think that there are so many skeptics as far as whether you can meet the right person on TV," but she thinks Trista and Ryan are "the real deal." Similarly, Chris, Ryan's brother -- who is not currently romancing Trista's sister, causing a distinct lack of symmetry and I'll bet you ten dollars is one of the reasons Jackie's so upset -- shares with us that any reservations he might have had got conveniently washed away in a tide of free first-class flights and booze. He can tell it's "real," he tells us, when Trista and Ryan are "eating breakfast" in their sweatpants and there are no cameras around. Trista, meanwhile, is all, "Oh, there's a 'no cameras' now?"
Back at Le Meridien (St. Martin is a French-speaking island, so allow me to translate for those of you not in the know: "The Meridien." Thank me later), My Two Dads take Trista and Ryan into a plush room and sit them down on couches, telling them they have a surprise. "Are our moms here?" Trista asks. Oh, well, erm, cough. Not such a good surprise after all, I guess. My Three Moms (Ryan's mother Barbara, Trista's stepmother Carol, and Trista's poor, suffering mother Roseanne, who has to HATE this) are quick-cut down a long spiral staircase and onto couches where Trista, Ryan, and My Two Dads continue to sit. Immediately, the evil stepmom is all up in Trista's grill, confessionalizing her way back into last week's weak subplot: "We had a list." Back inside Le Meridien, Babs tells them that she doesn't want to feel like "a guest" at the wedding. Fine. Then don't come. They ask questions about invitations that Trista doesn't and can't answer. "Number 6, Item A," Cruella DeStepmom reads off of a scribbled piece of loose leaf paper, "When? Where?" Trista tells them that they already know when, but that she can't tell them where. It's at the Rancho Mirage in Palm Beach, California, Cruella. Read the tabloids. I do. When she suggests going on to "Item 7," Ryan sighs and halts and sputters through the joke, "Whose idea was it to invite the moms?" Roseanne, taking this opportunity, shoots back, "We can actually do this tomorrow." Go, RealMom! A cry of joy goes up from the couple. Trista's happy. Ryan's happy. The Sutters are happy. HRWEG muses quickly and silently on a lot of mistakes he's made in his life.