Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT TV Is A Medium
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.22.2009
Hilda gets mad at Betty for getting Papi an appointment with the cardiologist. Gets mad at her, because -- somehow -- it means that she can't do the quinceañera job. Nobody thinks to explain how or why this is true, because it's that stupid. ["And wouldn't the quinceañera be on the weekend? When Betty would be home? And the doctor wouldn't be working?" -- Angel] Then Hilda tells her to fuck off because she's always working so how dare she tell Hilda how to take care of their dad, and Betty says she has to be "Betty Bossypants" because if she doesn't, Hilda's stupidity and laziness will cause the entire borough to burn down around their ears, starting with Papi. Who is a GROWN MAN who is STANDING RIGHT THERE and can obviously do BASIC SHIT like take a cab to a PLACE.
Then it weirdly and even more stupidly turns into some kind of double-dog dare where Hilda says Betty can't possibly juggle work and family responsibilities, and Betty's all about to make her eat her words and whatnot. And the way this show used to be, which is good, there would be a bump or two in the road and Betty would work it out through her ingenuity and sunny disposition, and you'd want to hug her, and it would be great. But because this show is now sucky, instead it's going to be about humiliating her and knocking her down a few pegs for thinking she deserves anything whatsoever. And worst of all, Ignacio Suarez will live on, refusing to die and getting more obnoxious and judgmental with each passing day.
There's a signed photo of Dick Cheney on the wall at the cardio's office that says, "Thanks for being discreet." Very droll. The doctor is played by that hottie from that show about the gay aliens where the guns are like gross seafood bracelets you can never take off. Do you remember that show? It was one of those weird syndicated Saturday-afternoon Cleopatra 2525 kind of shows. I've always had a soft spot for those. There's one right now that I've caught a few times that seems to be about a bunch of dirty nuns running around in the forest talking all British, and then somebody will dress up in leather and tie somebody else up. Then -- I have already seen this happen eleven times in the ten cumulative minutes of this show I've seen -- one of the dirty nuns will look somebody in the eye and do some voodoo shit on them, and then they're all, "Mistress, order me around. I am now your slave." I'm serious, that's what the show is about. Unabashed catnip for that certain kind of nerd that isn't actually that much into sex, but knows that he's supposed to be, so it has to get all weird and twice-as-kinky in his head and now he's going to require two girlfriends and to get tied up, and maybe you should yell at him in Klingon while you're fucking. Before the internet, those guys would have died virgins but now it's as easy as directing your telnet to alt.low.self.esteem and finding some girl who's like, "Yeah, I'm desperate enough for a boyfriend that I'm willing to pretend other girls' tits are a turn-on, and the constant tickling and weird infantile cuddle-behavior is not totally fucking creepy. Thanks, internet."