Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT TV Is A Medium
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.22.2009
Suzuki St. Pierre is actually a totally made up homosexual "character" being played by Byron Wu for reasons that make very little sense, and basically come down to spackle over the central idea that it's inherently hilarious that a man lucky enough to have a wife and children and the normal healthy sexual predilections God gave him would choose for any reason to live publically as something as disgusting and shameful as a Sodomite. What a wacky mixed-up fuckin' world!
So then there's an unbearably long, offensive sequence in which we're asked to believe that there's a huge quantifiable difference between "Byron's" naturally high, effeminate voice and Suzuki's unnaturally high, offensively effeminate voice, while he does and says things you might think your average heterosexual would hypothetical do and say while standing around in the yard. They throw footballs around, I heard, and say things like "That's my boy," so he manages to do that in the middle of the conversation. It's so clueless and fucked up and stupid that everything he says starts seeming like some kind of mistaken heterosexual signifier: he says he got his journalism degree from "Columbia J-School," mentions Woodward and Bernstein, and he might as well be talking about testicles or trucks or tits.
So he wanted to be a regular J-person, but the only jobs available were "Britney this, Angelina that," which he hates sooo much but in order to be a J-person he has to ... This is so fucking stupid I don't even want to talk about it. He's an unattractive, squat man, and legitimate journalism is out the door, so the only thing that makes up for his lack of charisma is acting like a disgusting nasty stereotype of somebody else. "As a fabulous, bitchy queen, the fashion world welcomed me with open, well-toned arms!" he says, in his creepy Suzuki voice, and then grills some bratwurst and scratches his genitals and watches ESPN and has trouble relating to his wife on an emotional level, because she is from Venus.
Wili's prepping/pep-talking Connor for their meeting with the weird Germans, and tells him to flirt with her -- because Connor has literally no personality beyond being hot, have you noticed that? -- and he's like, "I can't just flirt with people," and yes he can we've seen it, and Wili's like, "Do you mean I'm special?" And yes, he does, so they fuck, which means when the weird Germans get there she's not available, so Marc panics and yells French at them and they become friends. Maybe the Germans are French. Maybe these are different people altogether -- no, Collette is a French name, so they're a Franco-German company. Which is scary, if that's even true, but I can't tell and maybe made it up during one of the fifty times this exact same fucking scene happens in this episode. If you honestly think it matters, congratulations: you officially care more than this show does.