Episode Report Card Aaron: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's My Body And I'll Cry If I Want To
By Aaron | Season 3 | Episode 12 | Aired on 05.17.2003
Keithius: The Natrix is everywhere. It is all around us. It is all about you. Even now in this very recap. You can see it when you look at your monitor. Or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work. When you have sex with strangely tattooed women. When you purchase Tubey merchandise. It is the world that has been pulled over your giant, rectangular head to blind you from the truth.
Nato: Whoa!
Across town, Claire has gone to a Planned Parenthood clinic to schedule an abortion. She's meeting with a nurse who is explaining the procedure, and apparently having a ride home afterwards is a more important part of the abortion process than the actual abortion itself, because the nurse spends like nineteen billion hours asking Claire about it. I'll just assume that's one of those things I didn't know because I'm a guy, and move on. Or maybe it's just a necessary plot point. In any case, Claire is convinced that no one in her family would be willing to chauffer her down to the clinic to have a Soul-Glo-soaked zygote extracted from her womb. "What about a friend?" asks the nurse. "Oh, yeah!" replies Claire. "I'll just call DangerSlut. After all, she did say she would be sticking around in L.A. this year, right? I'm sorry, what's that? Oh. You say you need a cheap excuse to work Brenda into the plot? Oh, all right, fine. I guess I have no friends, then."
Das Sargzimmer. The blonde from the opening scene is revealed to be the DGDJ's daughter, and she's there arranging a funeral for her father and bitching about how much her life sucks. "This has been the longest month of my life," she complains. Amen, sister. And if you think having your father executed by lethal injection is bad, you really ought to try moving some time. Blondie is also upset that she lost her job at a used car dealership because she had to take too many days off to attend the execution. A particularly shaggy Nate assures her that she did the right thing by going, but that doesn't really cheer her up very much. "Yeah," she snorts. "And now I'm out of a fucking job. Thank you, right thing." Heh. And right there on the "fucking," by the way, was totally when Nate decided he wanted to sleep with her. And me too, I must admit. A hot blonde swearing in the Sargzimmer? Come on! I mean, she's no rabbi or anything, but still. Anyway, Rico pipes up to ask if she'll be "wanting a service for [her] father, or…" He doesn't finish that thought, but it's clear from his expression that he's thinking something along the lines of "…or do you want us to just chop up the body into little pieces and feed them to wild pigs so that he'll never harm innocent people again?" Or maybe he was thinking necrophilia. Either way. Blondie is upset because she definitely does want a service, and Father Jack was supposed to be calling them with all the details. Aww. Father Jack is still a Father. That's good to know. But who the hell did Tim Macaulun piss off in the writer's room on this show? First he's a porn addict, and now he's stuck eulogizing murderers? Sucks to be him. But not literally, of course. Damn vow of chastity. Nate suddenly remembers that Father Jack did call; he spoke to David, which gives Rico an excuse to leave the room so that Nate and Blondie can be alone for a while. Except I think he said he was going to look for David to get all the details. Whatever.
Once they're alone, Blondie tries to do a little subtle flirting. Her opening line? "I bet if my dad wasn't a murderer you'd be saying all sorts of sweet things to me." Heh. It's no "If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?" but I guess it'll have to do. She also asks to see the choices for the "box," and despite the fact that there's a perfectly serviceable gigantic wall full of coffins right there in the next room, Nate decides instead to squeeze into the tiny three-square-inch space between Blondie and the edge of the sofa so that he can flip through a catalog with her. As he tries to suggest a few different casket models, Kathy Bates goes all Basic Instinct on our collective crotches with a low-angle beaver shot of Blondie uncrossing her legs, and Nate's eyes are instantly drawn to the bizarre tattoo she has on her upper thighs. It's a series of pipes that run up one leg and down the other, with a bunch of stick figures clustered around the open ends. "They're little people," she explains, while raising her skirt a bit and sensuously tracing the pipes with her finger. Flick…ahh. She adds that the little people are broken into tiny pieces when they enter the pipes, but end up fully assembled by the time they emerge. Hmm. Let's see. Broken men enter her vagina and come out whole on the other side? Gee, that couldn't possibly be all about Nate, could it? Nah. Rico returns at this point, and he cocks a bit of an eyebrow when he notices these two sitting so close together. This in turn prompts Nate to fidget uncomfortably in his seat, as he tries in vain to conceal the fact that even his sideburns are erect by now.