Episode Report Card LuluBates: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Meet the Meat
By LuluBates | Season 7 | Episode 1 | Aired on 05.23.2011
Ashley is then forced to spend five minutes alone with Tim from Long Island who has stopped threatening the Masked Man long enough to sit on a chair and wait for Ashley. He seems tongue tied to the point of incomprehensibility, but then it turns out he's drunk. Like, really, really drunk. He slurs all his words together to the extent that Ashley thinks he sells "wine and spurs" for a living. She gets him a glass of water and sends him off with a firm handshake. Then we get a montage of Tim being drunk all over the house, yet he never puts a lampshade on his head, so he can't be THAT drunk. Then he goes back to drunkenly picking on the Masked Man. Unfortunately he passed out before any punches could fly. So Ashley has her bohunks evict his drunk ass from the lanai. So long Tim! Go Mets.
The Masked Man watches as his nemesis is shipped off to the drunk tank. He seizes his opportunity and swoops in to talk to Ashley. He almost convinces her that wearing a mask isn't completely creepy. Almost. Frankly, if you are going to wear a mask covering half your face at least SHAVE the other half. I mean, it's like you're not even trying, you big nutter. Then J.P. from New York City moves in and charms Ashley with a tale of being called "cupcake" in the construction business. Ashley reveals that her deepest dream is that a man call her "cupcake." These two have a lot in common. This is definitely the basis of a solid, long-term relationship.
Then Ashley goes to talk to Bentley, the man she heard such terrible things about from her "friend" who was passing along scurrilous rumors from his ex-wife who is clearly a trustworthy and reliable source. Despite her trepidation, Bentley impresses her with his forthrightness in admitting that he has a child and an ex-wife. As opposed to covering it up until it is unearthed later in the season by an eavesdropping roommate who is listening in on a secret phone call or something. Ashley claims she is impressed with Bentley and undoubtedly the producers are thrilled to have the drama they crave already present in the very first episode. My first impression? He seems like a dick. A dick with bad hair. Now, that's a pretty picture.
Ashley has made up her mind. She grabs the First Impression Rose off the table and pins it on Ryan a.k.a. Mr. Sunshine, the solar energy guy. She thinks he is just so sunny and warm! Then it is time for the first Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison congratulates Ryan on his big win and then brings Ashley out to pick who will accompany her on her great journey. She tells the men that she is looking for very specific traits and qualities in the men. She sees those qualities in some of the men and not in others. Anyway, thanks for that Captain Obvious. So who has Ashley's first choice? The Masked Man. Um...I guess she has some "Phantom of the Opera" fantasies she wants to act out? Or the producers think this makes for great "drama"? Yeesh. Next is Constantine. Then: Ben F., Lucas, Stephen, Matt, Nick, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake. Every time a name is called the cameras cut to Ames, who is not used to failure. And yet? Mickey the Kisser is picked, then Ben C. the New Orleans lawyer, West the tragic, William the charming, J.P. a.k.a. cupcake, and finally, Ames and his diplomas.