Episode Report Card Strega: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Escape From Wedded Bliss
By Strega | Season 2 | Episode 11 | Aired on 07.21.2000
Ro-Na is straightening some clothes on Crichton's bed. There's a pink jacket, accented with red trim, sprinkled with red Bedazzler beads, and a red shirt to match. Across vast distances of space and time, Tim Gunn is screaming in agony. Crichton steps into the shot wearing matching red pants. And I believe they're velour. Excellent. As Crichton dresses, he tries to befriend Ro-Na and tells her to call him "John," not "Highness." Aeryn stomps in and curtly tells Ro-Na to give them a second. Ro-Na wisely skedaddles, and Aeryn asks if Crichton is taking D'Argo's advice instead of hers. Man. Aeryn, I know you're all screwed up inside, and that what I like about you, but listen for a second: this is not just about you, okay? She brings up the statue gig, and Crichton blasts, "It's better than Scorpius!" so vehemently that Aeryn recoils a little. Crichton moans, "He's in my head! The back of my mind, the corner of my eye... he scares me, Aeryn, and I can't shake him." She brushes that aside: "I don't know what you're talking about, but there's never been anything we couldn't overcome together." Aw. Crichton looks at her closely for a few seconds and then turns away, sighing, "Except each other." Aw times two. He toys with his pink jacket as Aeryn ponders for a moment and then declares that she can't come to the wedding. What, she's got plans? Crichton looks at her directly and says that he needs her to be there. He makes a few faces and finally looks into the distance as he asks, "Don't you think that there are things to say?" before meeting her eyes. Aeryn pissily snaps, "At this point, what else can we say except goodbye?" Crichton, exasperated, says that she's right. "You're always right," he grunts, and breaks their staring contest. With that, she whirls and marches out.
Crichton mutters, "Bye," and sits down on a bench as he examines his horrible jacket. "Welcome to Barbie World," he sighs, and I go back and delete the "Bridal Wear by Mattel" line I wrote earlier because I'd forgotten he makes that joke. Damn it. A flunky enters and announces that they're almost ready. Crichton has his back to the flunky, so he doesn't notice immediately when the flunky steps behind a guard and, well, turns the guard's head slightly. Which apparently snaps his neck. My neck-snap standards are a little high from all those years of Angel, I guess. The sound of the guard hitting the floor causes Crichton to turn around in time to see the flunky leveling a weapon at him. Crichton says, "Huuah!" and tilts the bench up to knock the gun from the flunky's hand. Fight! He conks the flunky on the noggin with the bench's leg, then drops the bench down so that it's pinning the flunky down. And then he plays "whale on the flunky." Oh, it's a Russell Crowe imitation! It's going pretty well until two more flunkies swoop in, drag Crichton back, and toss him to a fourth flunky who's just strolled in. You know, I just read an issue of Casanova that explains where bad guys get all their flunkies. And if you like this show, you might enjoy it, because it's just as insane. After tossing Crichton around for a minute, the first flunky says, "Here's your wedding present from Prince Clavor," and raises his weapon again. He fires, and a thread of FX kerzaps Crichton in the neck. Crichton's face turns into silly putty as he screams, and then we freeze on smoosh-faced, Barbie-suited Crichton. What a way to go.