Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | 217 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Kiefer Underkover
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 2 | Aired on 2002.11.05
Did they fire their composer from last year or something? I say this because they've recycled that musical theme from "10:00 AM -- 11:00 AM" last season, and come to think of it, they haven't had any other original music playing so far this season. Everything else on the soundtrack seems to be the sort of stock compositions that are sold cheaply to Lifetime movies or nighttime soap operas. Anyway, I like this theme. As I said in my recap last year, it reminds me of the music that the Kronos Quartet did for Requiem for a Dream. Anyway, Kiefer has arrived at some sleazy L.A. auto repair garage, and you just know there are bad people hanging out here. Kiefer's underkover outfit consists of a pair of tight faded jeans, a black Gap pocket tee, and one of those sage green bomber jackets that you can get at Army/Navy stores for $19.99. I know this because I owned one in navy blue. When I first moved to New York and I was young, foolish, and flush with credit, I stupidly purchased a Calvin Klein duffel coat at Bergdorf Goodman and paid full retail price. Three months later, a cokehead that my friend was dating stole it from me at a party and disappeared, so not only had I overpaid for the thing, I didn't even have it anymore. The next day, I had to go to work and it was cold, so I ran coatless into this Army Navy store in my neighborhood and bought my navy blue bomber jacket. It had an orange lining and a zippered pocket in the sleeve for pens. It was only to hold me over until my next great coat. That very day, I was told at least eleven times that it looked like I'd lost weight, so I started wearing this thing everywhere. I think I even wore it to the beach that summer. I had that thing for three years. Every time I considered replacing it, I remembered the missing Calvin Klein coat. The idea of spending another cent on outerwear enraged me to such an extent that I clung to my bomber jacket like Linus to his blanket. Finally my friends staged an intervention and told me about sample sales.
Anyway, Kiefer enters Atlas Auto Wreckers -- geddit? Because he has the weight of the world in his shoulders? -- and asks the spindly Beck look-alike behind the counter for "Joe." SpindlyBeckLookalike raises an eyebrow in confusion and is all, "Joe?" right back at Kiefer, and at this point I would have paid anything to have Kiefer say, "Joe Mama!" back to him, but alas…SpindlyBeckLookalike denies that there's a Joe working there. Kiefer insists on leaving a message for him anyway. "Why don't I tell him, Kiefer?" says a smoldering stevedore entering from the rear…uh, I mean "appearing behind Kiefer." "I'm sure he'd love to see the guy who put him in jail!" At this point, a flock of photogenic white tough guys appear. They're the sorts of people that always show up as extras playing gang members in Michael Jackson videos. They surround Kiefer. Kiefer swears that he's not the one who put Wald in jail and tries to explain, but before he can, some tough in a backwards baseball cap knocks him to the ground. "Get the back room ready," says SmolderingStevedore. I swear he really said that. Sometimes the innuendo just takes care of itself. And what's with getting this back room -- that is not full of gay men having anonymous sex -- "ready"? What are they doing? Putting fresh linens on the bed and laying out an assortment of trial-size Aveda products? Kiefer implores SmolderingStevedore, who turns out to be the aforementioned Eddie Grant, to go look at the bowling bag that Kiefer left on the kounter. They look inside the bag. It contains the head of Marshall Goren, the key witness against Joe Wald. Remember the hacksaw? "Think of it as a present for Joe," says Kiefer as the men back away from the bag in disgust. SmolderingStevedore approaches Kiefer slowly, getting almost close enough to tweak his nipples and stick his tongue down his throat. A broad grin breaks out on his face. Kiefer giggles with relief. "Jack's back," says SmolderingStevedore, leading Kiefer into the back room. The time is 09:12:01 AM.