Episode Report Card Pamie: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Turning Thirty
By Pamie | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.30.2000
Ally shows up at the church where Billy's service was held. She goes and asks for advice from the minister. He accuses her of turning to God only because she doesn't have a man in her life. That he's sick of people turning to God because she's turning thirty, and now that she's "struck out on Earth," she's "starting at the top." Ally makes a joke about sleeping with God. The lead singer of the choir walks in and asks to talk to Ally (no puffy lips anymore, by the way). Ally trips the minister on his way out. She really does. That woman is out of control. The choir singer calls her on that, but Ally brats that she had every right to do so because of what he said. The choir singer asks if this is all about Ally turning forty. She corrects her age and then starts ranting around about why can't she do what she wants to do, and I really don't listen to any of it because at one point she said "penishead," and that's just a brand new one on DEK's roster of excuses to say the word "penis." That and I think saying the word "penis" in church might ensure your space in hell, so can we all have a moment of silence in this joyous occasion?
Back at the court. Mr. O'Puffymouth increased Titties' inheritance amount right before he died. John says that he changed the inheritance because his children were taking advantage of him. John ends up getting the witness "confused," and people start yelling again. The witness' name is "Shiplet." (DEK, you rock my world. Shiplet! When John says it all angry it sounds like "Shitlet!" Brilliant!) Shiplet tells John that when he made the requested changes to the will, he had "no inkling she was going to kill him." John says that wasn't the answer he was looking for.
It looks like I must be cutting things out of these scenes, but I'm really not.
Somewhere Ally and Renee picked up some Rosie the Riveter wall poster, but you can only look at Rosie's biceps for about two seconds because Renee's boobies are so pushed up that her back is arching and her chin is jutted in to keep her balance. In the distance, Titties O'Puffymouth shouts, "And she's just allowed to walk around with those things? Jesus, look at her!" Renee tells Elaine she'll sing, but she won't sing backup for her. Elaine promises Renee won't be singing backup. Oh, glee! Everything is set just right for the most Wacky Birthday Party Show ever! Too bad Ally can't turn thirty every year!
Vonda starts singing "Que Sera Sera" and I take a butter knife and jam it into my ears and then I rip all of my toenails off. Hey, you got a better way to deal? Ally is wandering around. Cue Billy. "Missing your youth a little, huh?" Man, can I call them. Ally tells Billy that the minister was right. Billy says that it can't be that bad. She says that her twenties might turn out to be the best years of her life and she has nothing to show for them. Billy says that isn't true. She asks if he had anything else to say. She thought he'd be "more profound dead." Billy just smiles as he thinks about all of the plotlines he's not going to have to do with her in the future. She says she can't keep letting him appear. He says he doesn't have the power. "It's me," she says for the one-millionth time in her life. She says that she should smack her ruby slippers together. He wishes her a happy birthday as he fades away. Her de-puffed lips quiver.