Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Girls Gone Green
By Keckler | Season 4 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.14.2005
Lime and her velvet thong and strappy stacked silver heels saunter through the hallway to Kelby's quarters. She opens the door, enters, and makes out with him.
After the commercials, Kelby and Lime have done the deed and now lie in each other's arms -- green skin against white. It's like Martin Luther King's dream. And now, for obvious reasons, he's become Kelpy. Kelpy bitches about Trip, and Lime encourages him. Eventually, Kelpy says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and Lime gets all indignant about how she's used to "being" with men of action. Men who see what they want and just take it, regardless of consequence. Lime wants to leave but Kelpy begs her to stay. Lime asks, "What would you do to keep me forever?" "Forever?" Kelpy wonders. Forever, and that's a mighty long time but I'm here to tell you -- there's something else. The Afterworld. A world of never-ending happiness. You can always see the sun, day or night. Kelpy says he'd do anything she wanted. Lime juices.
Engineering. Kelpy messes with the engine and things start banging and popping. Trip bounds over to stop him and Kelpy punches him down. They fight. Trip finally knocks the sweaty-faced horndog to the floor and bellows orders at underlings to fix the damage.
In the corridor, Trip tells Quantum he doesn't know when or if they will get underway again. Kelpy really screwed things up. They walk into Sickbay, where Kelpy is strapped to a bed, screaming that he didn't do anything wrong. Kelpy raves that Trip is lying about everything. Quantum throttles Kelpy, demanding answers. Phlox tells him that Kelpy has abnormally elevated adrenaline levels and he needs a sedative. Quantum still wants answers, but Phlox tells him Kelpy isn't going to be coherent for a long time. "All right!" Quantum finally barks, twisting away from Kelpy's neck. "I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO ENGINEERING!" Kelpy screams. "BE QUIET!" Phlox bellows, hypospraying him severely. Hee. I wonder how many times he's wanted to do that to Quantum. Phlox finally has answers for all the weird behavior on the ship. A highly potent pheromone is elevating the metabolism in all the men, which is making them aggressive and delusional. Quantum glares at Phlox's findings. "The Orions?" Trip wonders. Phlox nods and says that the human women have also been affected with headaches and listlessness: "I suspect the pheromone acts as a defensive mechanism against competition." WHAT? Oh, I can't belieeeve -- are they serious with this crap? Do they want me to throw a massive party when this show says goodnight, Gracie? Because, as of this episode, I'm ordering crates of the canned wine, which is the exact caliber of drink this sexist show deserves! Yes, let's afflict the women with the same tired "excuse" they supposedly give when they don't want to be importuned by sex. Wouldn't that be funny? Wouldn't that be CLEVER? Aren't all the men just soooooo edgy for thinking of it? If I jammed this corkscrew in my eye would this all go away? When Phlox shakes himself abruptly, Trip asks if he's okay. "It's affecting my sleep cycle," Phlox explains, "I'm having to rely on [he jabs himself in the neck with a hypospray] stimulants to stay awake." Heh -- Billingsley's delivery was AWESOME! He can come to my Canned Enterprise party. Quantum notes that Trip seems unaffected. He walks over and starts looking at him closely, walking around him. Trip sort of frowns and moves back like Quantum's a mouth-breather. Hee. Okay, so maybe Trinneer can come with Billingsley -- especially because he's the one character I've changed my mind the most about since the series started. Phlox notes that Trip and T'Pol are the only ones resistant to the Three Green Sisters' B.O. However, he can't determine why without running more tests. Phlox adds that the effects are cumulative and the longer they are exposed, the more pronounced the symptoms.
Quantum stalks down to Decon with T'Pol trailing behind. The Three Green Sisters wriggle and pout in the blue chamber. Chartreuse wiggles up and pouts, "Is this what you meant when you said we were free to start new lives?" Quantum holds up a device and says they found it in their quarters. Chartreuse pouts about lack of privacy, but Quantum interrupts her to tell us that it's a communication device and they've been in touch with Shrek. Chartreuse is all, "So?" Quantum says they were sent there to disable the ship, and wonders if that was Shrek's plan from the start. Chartreuse pouts that Shrek just wanted to know how they were being treated. Wow, that's one concerned slave trader. Quantum repeats what Phlox just told everyone about the green B.O., and adds that it makes men susceptible to suggestion. It does? Quantum, jump out an airlock. You want to jump out an airlock. That airlock is calling to you. It's your home. Go to it. Go home. …I don't think it's working.