Episode Report Card Keckler: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Vulcansnatchers
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.07.2003
Selaya, the playa. In Sickbay, the Away Team checks things out. Reed stuns a flying Vulcpire bat, and the rest of the team stands around looking at it. They get the flying Vulcpire bat under Plexiglas and start examining him. Where are the dripping test tubes, percolating beakers, and Peter Lorre cowering in the corner? As she scans die Fledermaus, Quantum asks T'Pol what's causing the outbreak of Texas Chainsaw Massacre-ness. "I'm not a doctor," T'Pol trembles. Quantum reminds her gently (gently!) that she's his science officer and he wants to be able to depend on her. T'Pol lemon-pledges to do her best. She names the guy as someone she served under during her tenure on the ship. He was the chief engineer. The Vulcpire Bat comes to, and T'Pol speaks to him. In English. Considering that he's out of his Vulcan mind, wouldn't you think he's not exactly scrambling for his language skills and would better respond if he was addressed in his native tongue? Oh, I just had the weirdest thought for a Halloween costume. You could dress like a tongue that had the flag of your choice patterned on it. Then you could go around saying, "I'm a-dressed in my native tongue! Won't you please address me in my native tongue?" These thoughts come to me at night. They scare me. The Evil Dr. Mathra just told me that I'm a "total freak" and I've "clearly totally lost it." Totally. Clearly. Now give me another drink. We went to Beverages and More today and we are now fully stocked. And stoked. We even found the Vernor's ginger ale of my Traverse City childhood! I made a Horse's Neck with it. It's an old drink from the thirties that Tommy and Tuppence often drink. It's bourbon and ginger ale with a lemon curl. It's kind of gross and I feel nauseous now. Do you know what's good for nausea? Gin! The huge bottle of Bombay Sapphire kind works best. Good for cramps too.
T'Pol introduces herself, asks if the Vulcpire bat remembers her, and tries to find out what turned him so green around the skin and blood. Vulcpire Bat quickly turns into Dr. Frankenvulcan's Monster and thrashes at his bonds and groans and moans. "You've lost control!" T'Pol tells him angrily. "Tell me what happened. TELL ME!" The Monster breaks free of one of his cuffs and tries to grab at his inquisitionist. She pulls away. Luckily, the Monster is in a Plexiglas tube and can't really get out. Although that is really large hole T'Pol was speaking into -- I'm surprised he doesn't just tear right through that. T'Pol tells Quantum that she's turning into a Vulcombie and she can feel her control slipping away. Quantum tries to calm her down -- have you ever tried to calm an emotional Vulcan down? It's messy -- and tell her that she's going to be okay; they'll get her and her scans back to the ship and Phlox will make everything better. Quantum grabs T'Pol by the shoulders and gets her to concentrate on opening the bulkheads. They head to an auxiliary control room on the Engineering deck.
Partway there, T'Pol stops in the crawlspace and breathes heavily. The Uh-Oh is worried about her. Quantum urges T'Pol to concentrate, and the Uh-Oh helpfully takes her arm. "I don't need your help!" T'Pol snaps, yanking her arm away. Really. I mean, they're crawling in a crawl-space -- how is taking her arm even helpful? Reed reads two more Vulcombies coming up in their way. Quantum and Reed go to deal with them, leaving the Uh-Oh (Quantum finally calls him "Hawkins" -- as in "Young Master Hawkins, arrgh!"?) to hang with T'Pol. Uh-Oh Hawkins offers T'Pol some of his water: "No offense, but you look like you could use some." Now why would she be offended that he just called her a dry, shriveled, dehydrated muskmelon? T'Pol gulps his water, hands it back, and thanks him. Uh-Oh Hawkins sincerely apologizes for wanting to murder her race: "You're right, this is a rescue mission." T'Pol silently accepts this. Uh-Oh Hawkins has a question for her: "How is it possible that this crew could turn so violent when Vulcans aren't supposed to have emotions?" This is going from Bermaga straight to all the complainers out there. "A common misconception. We have emotions. We simply keep them suppressed, under control. Something has obviously happened to make them lose that control," T'Pol explains. Uh-Oh Hawkins wonders why they want to kill them. Duh -- because they're crazy. That's a wasted question, Uh-Oh Hawkins, you just lost your turn. T'Pol tells a story of Vulcans stalking Vulcan like two giant stalking things with homicidal rage and paranoia in their breasts. Uh-Oh Hawkins looks slightly nervous that he might be sitting with a paranoid, homicidally mad Vulcan.