Episode Report Card Demian: B | 2 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Hell hath no fury like a Piper bitching.
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.10.2001
These words will travel through the Minds
Of stubborn parties and unbind
The thoughts too rigid to be kind.
A compromise they'll dis-entwine.
"Dis-entwine"? A compromise? Whatever. Rose gets her extension. Lila gushes over this latest bit of good news, and wonders if "there's something in the stars" making it all happen. Rose feigns ignorance, but promises to "call [her] student loan sharks to take advantage of it." The Grunge Queen finds this an excellent idea, and dashes off to make a couple of calls on her own, like, hi? Abused, homeless foster children ring any bells with you people? You know, your clients? The Smug Bastard takes advantage of the mood to ooze to Rose something about being a lawyer and getting her creditors off her back for her and if she can't pay him in cash he can "take it out in trade" and just vanquish his slimy ass already. Rose doesn't listen to me, choosing instead to threaten a harassment lawsuit if he doesn't back the hell off. The Bastard's response to this threat? "The way you dress? The judge would admire my restraint." ENOUGH ALREADY. Why? BECAUSE I GET IT. He walks away. Rose, having now reached the realm of last straws and quadriplegic dromedaries, retrieves the "Instant Karma" spell from the BoS. "Perfect," she announces. "I'll just change 'demon' to 'dirtbag.'" One problem, sweetpea. The spell specifies a "villain," not a "demon." Not seeing how changing a word in the instructions will alter the spell to suit your current needs.
Out on the street, Piper and Phoebe have arrived in the SUV. Piper's bitch now hovers around seventeen on the scale. That scale being one to ten, you realize. Phoebe notes that Piper hasn't "stopped ranting" since they left the Manor. Piper agrees to tone it down, then immediately breaks that promise. As they approach the front doors, Phoebe reminds her that Rose is an ally, not an enemy. Borrowing the Book was a simple mistake. They haven't impressed fully upon Rose the importance of keeping it in the attic. Piper hacks some more. As they hit the front walkway, the Smug Bastard comes flying out of the office, with a crowd of about twenty women leaping after him in an attempt to rip off his clothes. I'd find this mildly amusing, I'm sure, if the lead up hadn't been so ham-fisted. The crowd frenzies its way to the middle of the parking lot as Rose sneaks out behind it with her arms crossed tightly against her chest. Phoebe and Piper intercept her. "You are so --" Piper starts forcefully. Her sentence ends as a question when Rose drops her arms to her sides to reveal her brand-new triple-D Pamelas. "Busted?" Ba-dump-bump. Piper Halliwell, ladies and germs. Hey, anyone here from Queens? Yeah, well, she's from normal parents, herself. Piper accuses Rose of using the BoS to "perform magical plastic surgery" on herself. Rose claims that's not the case. When she recited the Instant Karma, not only did the pack of she-wolves attack the Bastard, she also suddenly found herself with an amazing rack of Pamelas as well. Piper pauses a moment to freeze the wolfpack before returning to the issue at, er, hand. This draws a shout of protest from Phoebe, as Piper could very well have blown the crowd to bits. Piper tells Phoebe to cram it. After dragging out the relevant facts from Rose, they determine that the Karma is to blame. Rose made the Bastard "the object of ogling," Phoebe explains, and the spell "backfired" to do the same to Rose. Get it? Instant karma? Okay, I'll shut up. Piper bitches a bit, but Phoebe cuts this short with a plan of action. Piper is to get the Dolt to orb the Bastard back to the Manor. Phoebe and Rose will meet them there with the Book. The Tooting Oboe Of Massive Hooters boots us into the next scene.
Rose and Phoebe tool down the road in Rose's newfangled VW Beetle. Don't ask me how she could finagle a new car if her credit's so poor. The Beetle's a manual transmission (yeah, you thought I was going to say "stick shift"), and Rose is having trouble reaching around her Pamelas to change gears. Enormous hooters equal comedy gold, people. Well, Brad Kern seems to think so, at any rate. Rose frets that Piper will never forgive her transgression. Phoebe insists that Piper will come around to her senses once her current mood has passed. Phoebe stumbles across the BoS entry on Furies, and does not like what she finds there. She deduces what we've known since the last commercial break. Piper has been infected with the smoke from the Cancer Gals. The Fury's smoke kills the guilty but converts witches, just like -- all together now -- the scream of the Banshee did last season. Rose, confused: "Are you saying that Piper is turning into a demon?" "It wouldn't be the first time," Phoebe admits, and helps Rose shift up to fourth.