Episode Report Card LuluBates: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Into the Lion's Den
By LuluBates | Season 2 | Episode 5 | Aired on 05.31.2010
Gia jumps on and starts revving the engine and takes her sister for a spin up and down the driveway. Yes, my grandchildren, you have no air to breathe, because Gia Giudice needed a PINK LIMOUSINE AND AN ATV FOR HER BIRTHDAY. Maybe all the other presents are pink-wrapped carbon offsets? The pink limousine filled with little girlies screaming like fucking Justin "Trending Topic" Bieber is sitting next to them pulls up at the Sweet and Sassy party palace. The girls all get facials and manicures while Teresa pats herself on the back for being rich. She then adds that, "Teresa only raises divas, not tomboys." God I hope her daughters all become lesbians. Or drag queens.
Kim G. pulls up to Danielle's house so they can fluff for the charity event at The Brownstone. As Danielle prattles on about her nervousness over invading the Manzos' turf, Kim G. rather rationally points out that no one (meaning no one but Danielle) would disrupt a fundraiser for a little baby fighting cancer. Kim G. swears she has her back, but Danielle has a better insurance plan: Her other bestie jailbird Danny is coming too. While Danielle and Kim G. are dressed in lovely outfits, Danny is fittingly dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, which I guess are his Sunday best jeans and t-shirt. Danny offhandedly makes a comment about being able to drink in six days and Kim G. oh so innocently asks why and he proudly states: Parole. Suspicions are slowly starting to sink in to Kim G.'s addlepated brain. Then we get a montage of Ashley and Jacqueline spouting rumors and hearsay about who this guy Danny is and what he did to wind up in prison. Light assault with a hammer (note: not HAM) and maybe a RICO indictment or two. Don't worry, Kim G., he's a family man, albeit in a Cosa Nostra kind of way.
Lest you think Joe is not a bad ass, cut to him at the tattoo parlor adding the newest addition to his shoulder tat. With his four daughters' names proudly wrapped in roses (but sadly no unicorns or sparkles) and displayed on his considerable deltoid, Joe can't help but make one more plea for another little bebe. Teresa puts her foot down, but Joe makes a pouty face and offers diamonds and Louis Vuitton and ponies for the girls.
Jacqueline, Teresa, and Caroline are sitting around Caroline's kitchen sipping daiquiris (takes an hour to spell and 20 minutes to drink) and swapping beauty secrets. Pursuant to the conversation of whether to Botox or not, but truly pursuant to NOTHING: Caroline confesses that SHE SHAVES HER ENTIRE FACE EVERYDAY. Jacqueline and Teresa stare at her and then burst into laughter so uproarious that Teresa pops her stitches. I mean, WHAT? Frankly this explains a lot about Caroline. Caroline swears the shaving is for exfoliating purposes, but, um...what? Do they not have face scrubs in New Jersey? And how did she decide this was a good idea? What happens if she stops shaving? Does she get cheek and forehead stubble? Truly there is no end to the questions this raises. Jacqueline and Teresa just try not to spill their cocktails and Teresa gets a hold of herself long enough to change the subject. Teresa wants to know why Danielle is going to The Brownstone. This opens a big old can of Danielle trash talking although Dina adds via confessional that Danielle is an invited guest and will be treated like any other invited guest. Caroline Man Face Manzo has other ideas: She told her sons to stay far far away from Danielle and set up a strict "Do Not Engage" policy kind of like with the Balkans.
Over at The Brownstone, the charity event is getting underway. Apparently a gun and hunt club is actually putting on the event and giving the money to the poor little cancer baby. Danielle, Danny, and Kim G. are in a Bentley on the way to the event, which is way classier (and more expensive) than I thought Danielle was capable of. Head Valet Chris Manzo steps back as soon as he realizes who is in the car, but that just means more room for Danielle to greet the entourage Jailbird Danny arranged for her. It's a motley assortment of Hell's Angels, ex-cons and local thugs, who are all undoubtedly there to make a contribution to the charity. Man Face Manzo shakes her head in disgust and, yeah, I kind of agree. Danielle then finally admits that this whole thing is a big Fuck You to the Manzos. Points for honesty, I guess. Then she swears that she is correcting her life and doing whatever she can to save little cancer babies. Well, anything except PAY FOR HER GUESTS.