Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ashley & Teresa: The Same Nasty Person
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 14 | Aired on 08.21.2011
Caroline: "I am going to Kathy's party for some fake drama, and I'm taking Jackie."
Jackie: "I can't wait to see what kind of bullshit Teresa starts! I'm so excited about this prospect I'm not even worried about Ashley anymore. This is just what the doctor ordered."
Everybody: Starts drinking for when Teresa gets there.
Kathy: "Middle-Eastern food is from the Middle East."
Caroline: "I had that in Dubai. Also in the Middle East. Boom."
Everybody is there, cheering and having fun and talking about boots and drinks and food and Goddesses and whatever. It's lovely. Teresa's not there yet, so everybody's still happy.
Kathy's Other Kid: "I need to go do homework."
Jackie: "Wait, you don't think of homework as something terrible your mother is inflicting on you?"
Caroline: "I never have problems with my kids. At least I never had a daughter."
Everybody: Is shocked when Jackie tells them about the "Pregnant at 20" gibe.
Caroline: "As an expert on everything that exists, I think you should beat the shit out of her. But don't let her to go California. Keep her here and cry whenever she goes to the store, that's what I'd do."
Caroline's kids are pretty awesome, it's true. But Lauren is the best one, and Caroline barely notices her existence, so that tells you a little bit.
Teresa: "Is Norway in the Middle East?"
Everybody: Grateful as usual for Teresa's continued existence.
Teresa: "If I was throwing a Goddess party, I would have naked Goddess guys around."
Kathy: "I have these Goddess bracelets for everybody. I will tell everybody your personal propaganda that you desperately need us to believe about you."
Teresa: "I will quibble with everything that you say, in order to make it about me."
Kathy: "Ahem. Like for example Caroline, you're so wise and matriarchal. Jackie, you're such a good parent with a terrible kid that just happened for no reason. Melissa, you have a lovely singing voice and a heterosexual husband."
Teresa: "I am wise and matriarchal and a great parent and I can sing."
Kathy: "Teresa, your most Goddess quality is that you are oblivious to the consequences of your actions."
Teresa: "Is that a compliment?"
Kathy: "Also, your spooky fake smiles and laughter are admirably lifelike."