Episode Report Card 4 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Pilot
By Sars | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.19.1998
I would like to preface this Wrap of the series premiere by saying two things. First, I could pretend like I don’t already know what happens in the second season, but that strikes me as sort of ridiculous, so I won’t. Second, don’t kid yourself -- the writing and hairstyles haven’t gotten any worse since the first season. If anything, they’ve improved.
Fade up, as usual, on the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Joey "The Once And Future Backbone" Potter and Dawson "Lucky Charmless" Leery lie on Dawson’s bed and raptly watch the end of "E.T." E.T. intones, "I’ll be riiiight heeeere," and as Elliott watches E.T.’s ship take off, Joey asks, "This won the Oscar, didn’t it?" Dawson hits stop and replies grimly, "Gandhi. Spielberg was robbed. This was before he outgrew his Peter Pan syndrome." "Peter Pan syndrome"? For those of you playing at home, you can mark your Sars Maalox Scorecard at "45 seconds." Joey wonders why the Academy would "give an Oscar to a movie you can’t even sit through," and Dawson says, "Thank you," and clicks over to the news, where Gail "Charo" Leery is just winding up a story on flight cancellations. "New ‘do?" Joey asks about Gail’s hairstyle, which must have walked off the set of Hairspray because it has so much styling product in it that it stands away from her head like a wimple. "She likes big hair," Dawson chuckles indulgently. Joey, while putting on her shoes, comments that Gail’s hair must weigh a lot, and wonders how Gail walks upright. Word. Dawson wants to know, "Where’re you going?" Joey: "Home." Dawson: "Spend the night." Joey: "Can’t." Dawson: "Come on, you always spend the night." Joey: "Not tonight." Dawson expresses confusion, and Joey says she doesn’t think it’s a good idea if she sleeps over anymore, and Dawson still doesn’t get it, pointing out that she has slept over every Saturday night since she was seven years old. Joey responds that doing so has stunted her growth and dashed her chances for a normal social life -- oh, wait, she doesn’t say that, but she does say, "Things change, Dawson, evolve," and Dawson wants to know what that means, and Joey says that sleeping in the same bed was okay when they were little, but they’re now fifteen and they start high school on Monday, and Dawson still doesn’t see her point, so Joey sputters, "And I have breasts!" Dawson starts giggling, "What?" Joey: "And you have genitalia!" Dawson: "I’ve always had genitalia." Joey ignores my anguished howl of "in the name of all that is holy, don’t go there" by clarifying, "But there’s more of it!" Dawson teases her, "How do you know?" Joey says, "Long fingers," and heads for the window, but Dawson calls after her, "Whoa, Joey, don’t hit and run, come on -- explain yourself." Joey stops and tells Dawson that their "emerging hormones" will change their relationship and she wants to "limit the fallout." Dawson stands up and smirks, "Your emerging hormones aren’t developing a thang for me, are they?" Oh, for god’s sake. Joey sneers, "A ‘thang’? No, I am not developing a ‘thang’ for you, Dawson, I’ve known you too long," and then proceeds to list the reasons why, and methinks the lady doth protest too much, but whatever.
Dawson wants to know why, if she isn’t crushing on him, there’s a problem, and Joey basically says that the two of them are changing, and if they don’t recognize that, "the male-female thing" will get in the way. Dawson says that that "doesn’t apply to us -- we transcend it." "Transcend"? Joey asks how. Dawson: "By going to sleep. I’m tired." Joey, turning to leave again: "That’s avoidance." Dawson, reclining on the bed: "No, it’s proof -- proof that we can still remain friends despite -- any mounting sexual theoretics." "Theoretics"? Joey doesn’t "think it works that way." Dawson says, "Come on, don’t get female on me, Joey -- I don’t want to have to start calling you ‘Josephine,’" and Joey takes the bait and pounces on him, and they tickle each other all stagily, and Dawson pins her and she gives up, and Dawson says, "We’re friends, okay? No matter how much body hair we acquire? Deal?" and Joey nods and says, "Deal," and Dawson makes her promise that they don’t have to talk about this again, and Joey says, "You got it. Cool," and shrugs out of her jean jacket, but her face doesn’t look like she’s "cool" with it. They both crawl under the covers fully clothed and bid each other good night, and Joey scoots all the way over to the edge of the mattress and looks perturbed, and as the camera pans up to show Dawson hogging three quarters of the bed, Dawson asks, "Why’d you have to bring this up, anyway?" I wonder what took her so long, myself, but anyway, fade out.