Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Shimmer Like A Girl Should
By Jacob Clifton | Season 2 | Episode 12 | Aired on 08.30.2011
Caleb: "I'm so happy to see you and tell you about my life-changing visit to see my birth mother. But first, is your life self-destructing by any chance?"
Hanna: "You so get me."
Hanna: "Okay in brief I horked shrimp all over the wedding dress, Tom's pissed, Ashley's pissed -- but kind of loving it -- my grandmother is fabulous in every way, my new sister Kate is a supreme bitch who might be trying literally to poison me, this bridesmaid's dress doesn't fit and I somehow have backfat in it even, plus I'm being stalked from beyond the grave by a legion of murderous perv..."
Caleb: "-- Shh, shh. Come to wolfie. You need a hug and some patronizing chuckles."
Hanna: "You have no way of knowing it, but that is actually what I need."
HOLLIS SCHOOL OF BITCHCRAFT & BITCHERY
Aria brings coffee to her manboyfriend EZ, but Jackie his ex-fiancée has already brought him coffee, so Aria hangs around outside the office looking suspicious.
Jackie: "Hey, EZ! I brought us coffee so you can celebrate my getting published in Rosewood's eminent literary journal Dire Art Things."
Ezra: "I hope you didn't plagiarize it! I mean congratulations!"
Jackie: "Please, there's no such thing as plagiarism except in Rosewood where there is constant plagiarism."
Ezra: "It's because we don't even have the internet."
Jackie: "Right? Just 'website pages.' Anyway, let's start dating again."
Ezra: "I am seeing somebody!"
Jackie: "Is she about five feet tall and still going through puberty? Wearing an entire steampunk convention dangling from her ears like she's about to calculate the earth's position and tilt in relation to the sun using only her jewelry?"
Aria: "I feel like she is talking about me."
A: The doctor is in. In danger, I mean! Here is a picture of her looking haggard as shit, holding today's paper.
THE CRATE: 10 HOURS AGO
Spencer produces a crate of a size that could contain an entire psychologist, if one were inclined to fold her, which appeared in her living room. On the top it is stenciled, OPEN OR SHE DIES. They open it, so she doesn't die. Inside there are three spooooky dollllls that can talk, and that look like everybody, except Emily. Who awesomely seems miffed.
Aria Doll, All Feathers & Eyeballs: "Make Jackie go away!"
Hanna, verbatim: "Is there a creepier word than creepy?"