Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ally and Victor Bite the Dust
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.28.2002
Maddie is measuring Ally's ass with a tape measure. I know. One cheek is "6 1/4 across." The other is "slightly more muscular." I know, I know. She's giving her daughter hands-on training to be neurotic about her body. I just can't believe how bad this show is. I can't believe this passes for entertainment. I can't believe the guy in the grocery store that always tells me how much he loves the four-grain and tofu burgers told me he likes the show. What I can believe is that it is canceled. Victor pops his head in. Oh, he still comes and goes as he pleases? The painter/ plumber/ electrician/ cook/ child-care provider/ legal client still lurks around the bedrooms, without a heads-up? Oh, okay. He and Ally head off to talk downstairs. Maddie calls after them that one cheek "rides a little higher" than the other, too. Got it.
Ally and Victor talk about the case, and about Ally's ass. Was he in love with Vanessa Williams? No: "That was the problem." Oh, was her ass not asymmetrical and cellulite-y enough for him, then? Ally points to her barely visible posterior and barks, "Men stare at this on the STREET, you know." Yeah, men will only stare at an ass if it's 100% fat-free. Light and lively, that's what they want. And if you can't pass the pencil test? Well, forget about getting a second glance from the Man On The Street. Those dudes passing women, turning their heads to get a look -- well, they have standards. What they gaze at had better be choice. They won't ogle just any ass, oh no. And the sarcasm I dole out -- well, it doesn't grow on trees. Ally says her ass is "ripe and glass-smooth." Victor finally acts like a real boyfriend would and says, "Let me grab it." Ally gives him the Heisman, of course. Now is not a good time for him (or anyone) to "be amused." She's ANGRY. And the sex they had on vacation was "polite. Totally polite. Polite, courteous, sex." Aww, poor Ally. She is just perpetually frustrated, isn't she. Victor apologizes and says next time, he'll bite her. Please bite her lollipop head right off.
Okay, this is the scene for which we were shown the disclaimer. It's not an earned disclaimer, I believe. It's a bogus disclaimer. But this is a bogus show, so what did you expect? Full frontal male nudity? Penetration? No. What we have is Nelle, New Guy Wilson, the President of Vice, and the blackmailers sitting at a table. Nelle and New Guy do not have an offer to make the blackmailers, but rather, a tape of their own. First, they offer the blackmailers a "chance to drop this." The blackmailers laugh. So, they show the tape: the blackmailer chick is having sex with not only the President of Vice, but with assorted other dudes, too. One guy looks like Wilford Brimley. There are two Vin Diesel-looking dudes. Then, there's a moo. Wow, she had sex with a cow? Sick. They don't even show it, but I'm guessing the implied bestiality with "Clementine" is enough to warrant a disclaimer. Oh, so it's not a boy cow? Sick! The blackmailer chick says they just doctored the tape; the lawyer calls it "out and out fraud." But that doesn't mean they can't sell their version on eBay, too. Or, distribute it throughout the office, like she was planning to do. So, the blackmail "case" is dropped. Hooray for Nelle and Wilson. Whatever.