Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Nina's bidding
By Gustave | Season 3 | Episode 9 | Aired on 01.05.2004
Whatever, Mexico. A caravan of utility vehicles containing the Salazar crew comes to a stop in the middle of a deserted road, in front of what looks like a suburban split-level ranch house. Everyone gets out of their vans. Even Special Agent Charlie Brown is pulled out of the van for no reason…well, other than to scowl homoerotically at Kiefer. "Why are we stopping?" asks an anxious Hector. Felipe Hartmano explains that it doesn't look like they are being followed. Apparently they are cruising around, anticipating that Special Agent Charlie Brown's presence is a harbinger of more agents to come. And since no agents have followed Charlie, Hartmano concludes that he came alone to rescue Kiefer without back-up. "How sad," says Hartmano. "Doesn't it bother you that your partner is going to die trying to save you?" "Breaks me up," says Kiefer sarcastically. Although the sarcasm is for the benefit of the Salazars. In subtitled Spanish, Hartmano orders one of his thugs to beat the truth out of Special Agent Charlie Brown and then kill him. Charlie Brown is escorted off-camera. Hector's cell phone rings. It's Amador, the faggy auctioneer. "Where are you?" asks Hector. "Put Kiefer on the phone," he says. "I only deal with him." While a split screen reveals Special Agent Charlie Brown being taken to a shed by a Salazar goon, Kiefer takes the phone and makes arrangements to meet Amador at some Whatever Location of Amador's specification in fifteen minutes. Kiefer relates the plan to the Salazars, and Hartmano takes his phone back. "What if he calls back?" asks Kiefer, obviously wanting to hang on to it. "I'll take a message," says a deadpan Hartmano. Noticing that Kiefer has the shakes, Hartmano gets him some "pills," which I assume to be methadone or some sort of tranquilizer. "I need to use the bathroom," says Kiefer, shaking. It's about time he had to go. For some reason, even though this is a random location where they stopped, Hartmano directs him to a bathroom in the back of the ranch house.
The time is 9:07:20 PM. Back at the Rancho Narcotico, Poor Man's Angelina Jolie is putting her brother Sergio to bed…in this abandoned farm house they just arrived at. The place is freshly painted -- both inside and out -- and dust-free, and they never showed them breaking in…or even opening a door to enter. Anyway, as Angelina tucks Sergio in, who isn't tired, he asks where Hector is. "He's busy," she says. "You'll see him tomorrow morning. Now go to sleep." And like the good underdeveloped child character that he is, Sergio closes his eyes and literally falls asleep. As she walks out of the room -- a room whose door is merely a curtain, mind you -- Kiefer grabs her and tells her to sit down. "I need you to listen to me," says Kiefer, checking to see that little Sergio is asleep. He is, and apparently that curtain will totally muffle the urgent conversation they are about to have, and therefore Sergio will not wake up. Kiefer spills the beans about this true reason for coming to Whatever Mexico. "You are still with CTU?" asks Angelina. As if CTU is a talent agency, like CAA. Kiefer explains that the prison break was part of his scam to infiltrate the Salazars. "You betray us once, then you come back to betray us again?" says Angelina. "Them, not you," says Kiefer with velvety assurance. Once again she bitches about the fact that he promised to help free her and her immediate family from the Salazars. Kiefer explains that he intended to, but when he heard about the new V-I-R-U-S, his priorities shifted. "Millions of lives are at stake, you have to understand that," says Kiefer. "But I can get you out now -- you, Sergio and your father." He asks her to get him a cell phone so he can call CTU and let them know he's okay, and he asks her to do all she can to help Special Agent Charlie Brown. "I'll do what I can," says Angelina. They make out. A lot. Like, you can practically see spit trails and everything. "If you're lying to me again," says Poor Man's Angelina Jolie, "I'll kill you myself."