Episode Report Card Keckler: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Imzadi Prime
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 03.02.2004
Safely back on Enterprise, Trip shows off their scans. Mega Maid is in the final stages. Reed points out important technobabble features and thinks that if they get close enough, "[they] can set off a chain reaction that can blow this thing to high heaven." Photonic torpedoes will do the trick for the initial explosion. Trip says they can fit the torpedoes on a sh'pod. Quantum looks at Reed as he readies himself to make the ultimate sacrifice: "We're talking about a one-way, Trip." Wait, that's Malcolm, sir. Do you need to lie down and take a little something in water? Oh, wait, he means, "We're taking about a one-way trip." Okay -- got it. I'm up to speed now. Reed nods all "Chuh!" in agreement. Basically, everyone tries to volunteer for the task. The one that gets me is May-brie saying, "I should be the one to go," because we all know that he went long ago. Quantum tells them all that he's going to be the Brooding Champion on this "mission." See, I've been reading up on my Strega lately. I've basically missed the whole Angel season this year because of Jake 2.0, and I've just got Stregaisms running around my head. She's one funny gal. There's the usual protest and argument. But Quantum makes it so and tells May-brie to meet him in the launch bay to give him flying lessons. Exit the Quantum. T'Pol puffs her lips in consternation. Because she loooooves him. Quantum steps off the Bridge onto something weird. He turns back from the turbolift to see a strange corridor. A huge bay window looks out into a pinky-orange space, and a red strip of carpet in the middle of grey industrial carpet winds its way along a curvature in the strange corridor. Daniels in all his rubberized Michelin Man glory strides up and says, "Welcome aboard, Captain." Quantum's annoyed as he says, "Daniels!" in an "I should have figgered on you" tone, and demands to know where he is. "You're on Enterprise. Enterprise J to be exact -- a distant relative of your ship." Oooh, I wonder if it has Enterprise NX-01's dimples! Daniels tells Quantum he is four hundred years in the future. Not bothered by the leap, Quantum dashes to the window as he sees weapons fire. A small ship explodes. The window makes it look as if the saucer section of Enterprise-J is hanging over this portion. Quantum stares. And furrows.
After commercials, Quantum demands to know why Daniels won't stop stalking him. Daniels points out the pink and orange light and says it's growing. Quantum tosses his chin and says he's seen it before. And, like all good things, it's bigger in the past! "I know, the Expanse," Daniels expositions. As Quantum examines an Enterprise-J schematic on the wall, Daniels says he knows all about the tranny alien they visited with a few weeks ago, and confirms that he's the same race as the Sphere Builders. Do they have a real name, or are they going to just be the Builders and have their own society in the UK? Daniels tells Quantum more stuff he already knows, like the fact that the Builders are trying to make the Expanse habitable for their kind before they invade. Quantum "duhs" this and Daniels says, "It's getting harder and harder to surprise you, Captain." Shut up, Daniels; it's getting harder and harder to stomach you when you only show up to yank Quantum's chain. He's like Q, but without the funny lines. Enterprise-J shakes, and Daniels brags that he brought Quantum to a momentous occasion, the battle of Procyon V. A battle over erectile dysfunction medication? What is our world coming to? This is the battle in which the Federation takes on the Builders. "The Federation," Quantum says, hiding the anvil in his furrows. "You've mentioned them before." "Vulcans, Andorians, Ithanites, Klingons, dozens of species, including humans -- all unified in a powerful alliance," Daniels explains. He points out a Builders' ship that subsequently explodes, and says that the Federation wins this battle and drives the Builders back to their trans-dimensional hole. The Builders ship looks exactly like Moya. So at first, I was all, "Cool!" but then I was like, "Aw, Moya just got blown up! Bastards."
Daniels adds that if the Builders hadn't been beaten, they would have taken over the entire galaxy and wiped everyone out. The Builders also have the technology to see into the future, so they looked at this particular future, didn't like the fact that they lost, and decided to change the outcome. So, the Builders are Shower Guy? What the hell happened to the Suliban? What's going on with the Temporal Cold War? I just...need another drink, clearly. According to Daniels, who just really, REALLY bugs me, the Builders lied to the Xindi so the Xindi would destroy all humanity, because without humanity, the Federation would never exist. Well, natch, they wouldn't get those cool digs in San Francisco for their HQ. Rumor has it, though, that Lucasfilms is moving up to the Presidio, which means that the Federation might have a tough time securing that particular real estate. Daniels preaches that the Xindi have to realize that humanity is good and will be the ones to protect them when this Battle of Penises is over. Daniels tells Quantum to make peace with the Xindi, but Quantum spits that they are about to deploy the weapon and he has to destroy it. Daniels reasons that they will just build another Mega Maid. Yeah, but that will take, like, a really long time so I don't see why it's such a bad idea. Daniels tells Quantum, "It is crucial to history that you do not sacrifice yourself." Yes, because Quantum is the champion of humanity. Just like Angel. Bleh. Quantum isn't convinced, since he's focused on the ten billion people on Earth dying bit. Not that I blame him, because Daniels is just being that typically obnoxious future guy.