Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bitchelle of Mercy
By Gustave | Season 3 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.05.2004
Back at Inn Fection, Dr. Nicole and her team of Hazmaticians are preparing to test everybody in the building for the V-I-R-U-S. "It would really help if you would go first," says Dr. Nicole. How does that help? Bitchelle reluctantly agrees. A Hazmatician hands her a numbered badge, and Dr. Nicole sticks a Q-tip up Bitchelle's nose. A nasal swab, explains Dr. Nicole, is every bit as accurate as a blood test but gives a faster analysis. Why'd they have to make a big deal about that? Did a focus group determine that an act of nasal penetration was "sexier" than a syringe? The test results will come back in "two hours," according to Dr. Nicole, who thanks Bitchelle and calls for her next nasal swab recipient...who turns out to be none other than Gay Matt from Melrose. Bitchelle gives him a nervous glance and exits the tent that Health Services set up in the middle of the lobby. Outside is a really long line of people waiting to see if they're sick or not. D'oh! Bitchelle walks past them, stricken with guilt.
Back at Palmerville, the Secret Service have tested the package for explosives, and hand Palmer its contents. It's a special cell phone so Sahhhhn-ders and Palmer can have all sorts of untraceable conversations together through some miracle of Whatever Technology. "If we can't trace the call..." says Palmer. "We can't find him," says Brother Palmer, finishing his thought. The phone rings. It's Sahhhhn-ders, who is thrilled that Palmer is using their "private line." "What do you want?" snaps Palmer. Sahhhhn-ders tells Palmer to hold a press conference. "[The topic] is entirely up to you," he says. "But at some point you will use the phrase 'the sky is falling.' Use it however you like, but use it!" Saunders hangs up. Palmer tells Brother Palmer what Sahhhhn-ders's demand was. "It's a signal of some sort," says Brother Palmer. "Maybe for an attack or a wave of attacks." Brother Palmer doesn't want Palmer to give in and negotiate with a terrorist. Palmer reminds Brother Palmer of the thousands already dying and the possibility of millions more deaths. "Call a press conference," says Palmer. Brother Palmer is visibly miffed at being contradicted. The time is 05:23:45 AM.
The time is 05:28:09 AM. Inside the Kiefmobile, Special Agent Charlie Brown, who is finally starting to pull his weight, has just gotten off the phone with someone and learned that Diana White is at home. Then Kiefer and Charlie have an expository conversation that informs us that Diana White was a really really fancy call girl whose clientele consisted mostly of powerful, wealthy -- and therefore blackmailable -- government officials. Kiefer thinks that Sahhhhn-ders has been getting names from Diana and blackmailing her clients to finance his terror operation. Charlie asks Kiefer, yet again, what caused a patriot like Sahhhhn-ders to go and commit an act of bioterrorism. Kiefer imagines that he'd been tortured for many years in some Kosovo prison, and holds the U.S. responsible for what he went through. "We left him behind," says Kiefer in a velvety mournful growl. "I left him behind!" It's all about Kiefer. Millions of Americans are going to die because of Kiefer.