Episode Report Card Djb: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Once Upon A Time In Mexico
By Djb | Season 4 | Episode 9 | Aired on 08.14.2004
Claire "Lesbi...friends! Psych!" Fisher knocks on the door of an apartment in a seedy hallway that looks like it got caught on the SFU set trying to escape from the set of The Wire. Anita is soon to come to the door, inspiring from Claire the question "What are you doing here?" Anita introduces herself, "Hello, I'm Edie's friend, Anita." Claire gives her a look that's like, "Oh, sorry, I don't usually hear your name, since I usually lose interest during its preceding title of 'Dilettante Crazy Art Bitch' and think about having you killed" and asks if Mena Suvari is available to come out and play vagina hockey. Anita tells Claire, "She doesn't want to talk to you," and steps outside the apartment to add, "She's just kind of over you for the moment." Claire asks why that might be, and Anita has even more knowledge at the ready: "Because you were a lesbian for about two whole minutes. And then, suddenly, you weren't." An underdirected Claire wanders around in the hallway gesticulating a lot, so Anita fills with words what Claire refused to fill with her tongue, vamping, "On top of that, she said you got all, like, grossed out by her pussy. That is totally not cool." Claire tries to defend herself, basically saying that it's not like she didn't enjoy trying on Edie's rabbit fur muff, but it just didn't fit the way it looked like it might when she saw it in the store: "I was not grossed out by her pussy, okay? Pussy, per se, does not gross me out." What an awkward series of lines they put in that poor girl's mouth here. "Pussy per se" ? It sounds like the dominatrix villain of an ancient James Bond movie filmed entirely in Latin. Dr. Haudquaquam, perhaps? When Claire finishes explaining herself and her relationship to Edie's 'nads with an impassioned, "I didn't know what to do with it," an unimpressed Anita promises, "I'll pass that along." Did you know that there's a direct correlation between the decline of Spirographs and the rise in gang activity? Think about it. I will. No, you won't.
"No, we weren't related," explains a large-statured gentleman to David and Nate in spelling out his relationship to the deceased. Though it they were related, they'd have been Siamese twins connected by the lie about having a girlfriend who lives in Canada. Nate and David sit in the Sad Room across from the aforementioned large-statured gentleman and another, small, pipsqueak-y guy who I'd nickname "Dilton" from the Archie comic if it wouldn't cause that guy to give me a rambling, twenty-minute speech about how Archie isn't a real comic book like The Red Car Battery or The Spinning Spinster or Vita-man! Who Wants Justice For All People From A To Zinc! or whatever. The Dilton character offers that they knew Lawrence from "Hi De Ho," where they used to work. Nate asks if it's a grocery store, even though it sounds more like a cowboy-themed restaurant where all of the tables are named after Gene Autry. Dilton corrects him: "It's a comic-book store in Santa Monica." And it is. The biggest, dorkiest comic book store in the world, just mere blocks away from the biggest, dorkiest video store, where walking in and requesting 13 Going on 30 is greeted with the same level of contempt as if you walked in and yelled, "Do you sell babies? Because I haven't eaten a baby in almost an hour, and, make no mistake, I love to eat the babies." ["But if you go in there and happen to rent Tod Browning's Freaks, you will instantly make five new best friends and never, never shake them no matter how hard you try." -- Wing Chun]