Episode Report Card M. Giant: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT There's No "I" in Kiefer -- Oh, Wait.
By M. Giant | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.14.2006
Inside the terminal, Bald Guy 2.0 checks his watch and sees another group of his dudes walking in and taking up position. It's about to become a Eurotrash flash mob. Derek wanders around, looking for Kiefer.
Kiefer is busy exploring the back hallways of the terminal, where apparently just anyone can wander around. Apparently there was an outtake here where Kiefer comes across a sign reading OFFICES with an arrow pointing one direction, and another sign with BATHROOM with an arrow pointing the other direction. And then Kiefer went to the bathroom. That doesn't actually happen in the episode, though, which is why they call them outtakes. Clearly the offices are outside the security area, because Kiefer still has his gun. He holds it at the ready as he eases open the door marked Chevensky. But before he can step inside, Chevensky himself approaches from behind, all unsuspecting. Chevensky tries to make a break for it, but Kiefer has his hand around the man's throat before he can get ten feet. Kiefer starts asking about Palmer. When Chevensky pleads ignorance (poorly), Kiefer beats him to the ground and tells him, "You are going to tell me what I want to know. It's just a question of how much you want it to hurt." And how long Kiefer's willing to be exposed in a hallway while he pistol-whips a uniformed airport employee. There are two variables at play here, I'd say.
These questions will have to wait, because at this moment, Bald Guy 2.0 is raising his key fob high in the air and pressing a button. But instead of that black panel truck outside giving a friendly little alarm-chirp, it blows right the fuck up. Diane witnesses the explosion and gasps in shock. Chaos ensues. Kiefer hears the boom and goes to the door to see what's up. This is a mistake on Kiefer's part, because while he is thus distracted, Chevensky has produced a cyanide pill and is already biting down on it. "No!" Kiefer cries, trying to fish it out, but it's too late.
Bald Guy 2.0 fires a whole shitload of bullets into the terminal ceiling, stampeding the passengers. Kiefer hears the screaming and gunfire, and decides that the war going on in the terminal is probably a higher priority than the foam-mouthed dead guy in front of him. His gun suddenly looks very small as he quickly but carefully heads toward the terminal. In the main area, armed security guards are engaging the bad guys, and getting quickly shot down for their trouble. Unlike most people, who have dropped to the ground by now, Derek is trying to inconspicuously make his way towards an exit, a task that is no doubt complicated by the smell that must be coming from his pants at this point. In any case, it's in vain, as an assault-rifle-wielding baddie cuts off his escape route and forces him onto the floor. Kiefer and his man-purse jog down the hallway, until he gets to a vantage point where he can see people running past a door in panic. In the terminal lobby, Bald Guy 2.0 bellows for quiet. He announces to the scores of terrified hostages, "You will not be harmed as long as your President complies with our wishes!" Oh, well, that's a relief.
Splitscreen time. Kiefer contemplates his next move, Derek contemplates his next change of underwear, Diane futilely fights against the tide of panicked bodies rushing out of the terminal, FLOTUS takes her meds, Chloe is frog-marched into CTU as Spencer and Edgar watch, and the Presidents are still shaking hands for the cameras. Or for FreeRepublic.com's HoYay! threads, one of the two.