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Buchanan and the rest of the folks at CTU have a prime suspect in Palmer's assassination: Kiefer himself. Seems his sneaky and not-at-all-dead mug turned up on some surveillance footage in the wrong time and place. Naturally, Kiefer runs away as far as he can go. No, obviously I'm kidding. Instead, he takes it upon himself to investigate Palmer's death on his own, going so far as to sneak into the apartment of Palmer's brother Wayne, which is where Palmer was killed last hour. With Brother Palmer's help, Kiefer finds a clue that the millions of other law enforcement agents working the case haven't, and manages to slip the net that's closing in around him now that CTU knows he's alive. Chloe gets busted in his place. Meanwhile, the First Lady is insisting that Palmer was killed over something big that he was about to tell her -- until President Logan plays her a tape of their conversation that sounds completely innocuous. And then he tells her to go back on her meds. Logan, in turn, is insisting that the summit with the Russian president go on as scheduled, like right now, even though a bunch of Eurotrash baddies are clearly up to no good at the time the Russian president is supposed to arrive. Kiefer's clue leads him to Ontario Airport (the one in L.A., not the one in Ontario), where he hands Derek back over to his mom amid many apologies before continuing his investigation. But then Derek spots the aforementioned Eurotrash baddies piling out of a panel truck outside the airport terminal, and decides he has to go warn Kiefer. Because now the kid thinks he's an apprentice secret agent or something. Anyway, the baddies take the entire terminal hostage, including Derek (but not Kiefer, who's still sneaking around in the back). And then we learn that that recorded conversation between Palmer and the First Lady was altered by a mole who's part of Logan's inner-inner-inner circle. Things is moving pretty quickly here. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
One second ago, on 24: Actually, you know what? Screw the previouslies. I never recapped those on the HBO shows, and nobody ever complained. Even though those previouslies frequently went further back than the most recent episode, unlike a certain real-time show on Fox that I could name. The first few minutes of every hour here are always full of characters talking about what happened at the end of the last one anyway. You know, just like in real life.
Okay, so maybe not right away, but they totally will in a minute. Audrey is in a room with Buchanan, micromanaging the deployment of agents at the President's retreat, which I'm calling Not Camp David. They've got a screen with a schematic and little icons showing where all their guys are, which is going to come up again later. When Audrey gets distracted by a phone call, Edgar comes in to announce that they've got video of a suspect in the Palmer shooting. Apparently, somebody broke into the service entrance of the building across the street from Wayne Palmer's apartment that morning; Edgar has sent the security camera footage to Buchanan's screen. Buchanan watches as the blurry image on the monitor resolves. "Audrey," he says, and Audrey turns in time to see the face of her dead ex-boyfriend on the screen. Buchanan just stands there, like, awkward.
Back at the refinery, I don't know what Kiefer has been doing for the last three and a half minutes, but he's just now getting around to explaining to Chloe that he's being framed for Palmer's murder. Chloe advises him to vanish, but he'd much rather lock, load, and find out who was behind the assassination. He can always vanish...later? He explains that his first move is to visit the original crime scene to look for clues. Chloe quite correctly points out that actual law enforcement officers are probably already working on that, and they'll be only too happy to find their new prime suspect sniffing around the place. Kiefer simply demands a schematic of the building and an interagency deployment grid, cleverly getting past Chloe's resistance by making it a challenge to her 7333t h4x0r ski1z. Derek, meanwhile, is looking rather dazed at what he just witnessed. "How could you kill that guy?" he whines at Kiefer. Kiefer says he's sorry Derek had to see it, and tells him to get in the bad guys' white van, which they're commandeering. Derek refuses, because he doesn't understand one of the first rules of 24: when the guy you just watched kill someone in cold blood tells you to do something, you fucking do it. Kiefer loses patience and pushes Derek against the van, his hand clamped around the boy's throat. "Let's get something straight, kid," he snarls. "The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you. Now get in the van." Awesome. Derek, wonder of wonders, gets in the van.
That security camera footage of Kiefer is playing on every screen on the CTU floor as Edgar explains that the video footage hasn't been doctored. I love how people are always so confident of that. Obviously the recording doctors are just getting better. They don't go to recording medical school for nothing, you know. Buchanan makes the Herculean logical leap that this means Kiefer was in the neighboring building at the time Palmer was shot. Audrey's still trying to catch up, so Buchanan helpfully explains that while he doesn't know how Kiefer staged his own death, he understands that it probably seemed preferable to spending the rest of his life eating bad dim sum in a Chinese prison. Buchanan goes on to say that maybe Kiefer killed Palmer -- and Michelle, and almost Tony, too. Curtis speculates that maybe Kiefer stopped trusting them to keep his secret. Audrey still isn't buying it, but Buchanan says it's the best explanation they have right now. Audrey stands there quietly trying to hold her shit together (the chick can still act, my friends), until Buchanan advises, "The White House needs to know about this." Audrey's off to make the call, and possibly also have herself a cozy little freak-out somewhere. Curtis chimes in to say he's just discovered some evidence that Chloe was in on the conspiracy to fake Kiefer's death as well. Buchanan checks his watch and remarks that Chloe should be at CTU by now. Edgar agrees, and even takes a moment to blame Spencer for talking him out of running a locator trace on Chloe's cell phone. Buchanan dispatches a guilty-looking Spencer to take care of that now, and orders an interagency alert on their new prime suspect in the Palmer shooting: Jack Bauer.
At Not Camp David, Logan is giving us a little demonstration of how a president's work is never done, his every moment accounted for. And apparently in today's schedule, the interval of 8:06:32-8:06:38 is blocked off for "Standing in the doorway and staring out into the yard." Man, who would ever want such a demanding job? Walt comes in to say that FLOTUS is still throwing stress around over the Palmer thing, and Walt doesn't think he can put her off indefinitely. Walt offers to find the recording of the phone call between FLOTUS and Palmer, so they can satisfy FLOTUS and get on with their big summit with the Russian prez. Logan gratefully takes Walt up on it. Before Walt leaves the room, the call from Audrey at CTU comes in. Logan takes it on the speaker phone. Audrey brings Logan up to date on the newest development in the investigation into Palmer's death, and hesitates for only about a week and a half before announcing that their suspect is Kiefer. Like almost everyone, Logan thought Kiefer was dead, so Audrey explains Buchanan's theory. Logan is having trouble getting his brain around it, but Walt points out, "The man does have a history of insubordination. Irrational behavior. Drug addiction." And having his death ordered by you, dickweed. Audrey rather hotly points out that Kiefer also has a history of "great service to this country." She advises that the summit be postponed, but Logan still isn't having it: "You have a suspect. Find him." End of call. Before leaving the room, Walt offers to let the Russian president's security chief in on this new development. Logan shoots that right down (if you'll pardon the expression, given that the Russians will be arriving by helicopter), because the last thing he needs is his little summit falling apart just because the other side is worried about a minor thing like getting its ass killed.
At the refinery at 8:09:06, a guy is talking on his cell phone and reporting that Jeff Kober and his guys are all dead. Kiefer and krew are of course long gone by now, and the guy offers to send a team out after them. The man on the other end of the phone -- talking on a schmancy headset and surrounded by giant video monitors playing news broadcasts -- says not to bother. They can just let CTU take Kiefer, and eliminate him then. These guys don't seem to have a very high opinion of CTU. The guy on the phone wonders if the man -- who, given his resemblance to a certain character in Undercover Brother, I can only think of as The Man -- isn't worried about Kiefer messing up their plans for the day while he's running around loose. The Man barely suppresses an evil cackle as he says, "He won't have a chance. We launch in less then an hour." And the clock pops up at 8:09:36, to let us know that there's a pretty good chance we'll see the "launch" this episode.
8:14:03. Kiefer and krew drive through Los Angeles in the bad guys' white van, Buchanan meets with his underlings, Audrey stands in an office doing nothing (should I pick up the stapler? I'll pick up the stapler. I don't know what to do. Now I'm just standing here holding a stapler), and The Man smirks at the camera. In the back of the white van, Kiefer is rifling through the bad guys' gear. He's all Christmas morning about the military-issue equipment the guys were carrying, including a comm unit they can use. At the wheel, Chloe asks, "Who are these people?" Before Kiefer can venture an answer, his cell phone rings. It's Derek's mom Diane on the other end, calling from her car and being as whiny as ever. Kiefer begs her not to worry (probably because it hurts his ears when she worries), and says he doesn't yet know where she should meet him to pick up Derek. At her request, he lets Derek talk to her, and Derek assures his mom that he's fine. Chloe cuts in to say they're about a block away from Chez Palmer. Diane overhears her, and asks, "Who was that?" Because that's relevant at this point. "Say goodbye to your mother," Kiefer says. It sounds a lot less sinister than it reads. Derek complies, and he and Kiefer scramble to hide in the back of the van. Well, further back, I guess.
It's 8:15:06 as a reporter blathers to the news cameras from near the crime scene barricades. People are already standing up against the barrier, holding flowers and looking sad. Get jobs, people. Chloe drives the van up to a checkpoint and hands over her credentials to a waiting agent. After a cursory glance in the back, where Kiefer and Derek are presumably hiding in duffel bags, he waves Chloe through. Chloe drives right down into the nearly-empty underground parking garage and parks, giving the all-clear for the boys to come out of their non-existent hiding spots. Kiefer breaks out the comm unit and selects tiny earpieces for himself and for Chloe, because it isn't 24 if people aren't talking to each other remotely in real time without phones. Chloe uses her laptop to logs on to the wireless network and get a 3-D display of the building. She's also reading the transponder signals of all the agents in and around the building, which gives her their locations in real time within three feet. Remember how they used to do that with infrared? That's old-school now. Chloe's display shows 167 agents in and around the building, "25 of them in Wayne Palmer's apartment alone." Kiefer says that's why they have to hope this is the last place anyone will look for him. Well, as long as he's got a plan. He gives Chloe her earpiece, and spots an FBI agent getting out of his car the row over. Kiefer's out of the van. As Derek and Chloe watch, he approaches the agent, aviator shades in place. We watch from their point of view as Kiefer pretends to be a building resident, then grabs the agent into a sleeper hold and drags him behind the agent's car. "What...?" Derek begins. Chloe tells him, "Relax. He's really good at this." ["Drink!" -- Sars] Derek asks if he's okay, and I think he's talking about the FBI agent, but then I remember he doesn't know Kiefer like we do. Indeed, Kiefer is taking his time, so that even Chloe begins to get worried. But then Kiefer reappears, now wearing a snazzy new FBI windbreaker and a badge around his neck. He takes the agent's duffel bag out of the trunk and shuts the lid. They see him put a hand to his ear, and Chloe hears his voice in her ear saying, "Chloe, do you copy?" Chloe copies. Kiefer goes to work.
He steps into the elevator on the garage's B level and hits the button for the penthouse. People should be careful around here when they're pressing buttons marked "PH," you know. At TWoP Towers, PH stands for something totally different. Chloe tells him that there are four agents waiting for the elevator in the lobby. Kiefer smacks the button to get off at the garage's A level, but it's too late. He tries to hide behind his aviator shades and his stolen windbreaker as the door opens and four distracted agents get on the elevator. Not an impostor! Kiefer thinks at them. Not impersonating a federal agent! Not at all the prime suspect in the assassination you're investigating! Just an FBI agent who likes to wear his sunglasses inside! It appears to work, and they all ride up to the penthouse without incident. Kiefer is the last off the elevator at 8:19:42. He makes his way down the hall and whispers to Chloe, "I'm entering the apartment." Chloe responds that most of the agents are in the living room, which must be where Palmer was shot. She adds that there are two rooms near Kiefer with no agents in them. Thorough. But Kiefer's too distracted by the spectacle before him to respond: Palmer is still on the floor, mostly covered by a sheet and surrounded by little crime-scene tags. That seems like kind of a long time to leave him there, even if he was killed instantly, but what do I know. On CSI the body's always in the morgue by the end of the first commercial break. Kiefer removes his shades, and he can just see the top of Palmer's head (or, more likely, that of an extra) in a little puddle of blood, and that copper bracelet on the arm that's splayed out to one side. Kiefer pulls himself together, and ducks into the nearest empty room, which he quickly ascertains is a study. "Let me know if anyone comes this way," he tells Chloe. He sits down at Wayne's computer, which surprisingly doesn't have ten browser windows open with Gina Torres fan sites.
Back in the van, Derek is still getting used to hearing the guy he knows as Frank being called Jack. He asks Chloe who Kiefer really is. Chloe mutes her earpiece and explains that Kiefer used to work for the government. She doesn't want to answer any more questions, but Derek's got one more: Why did Kiefer hide his identity? Chloe explains, "Certain people thought the best way to cover up their mistakes was to get rid of Jack." On the bright side, one of those "certain people" is lying dead up in the penthouse right now. Chloe adds that Kiefer had to give up everything and everyone he knew, including his daughter. Derek is amazed that Kiefer has a daughter. Before he can ask if she's hot, Chloe says she's already said too much, and takes Kiefer off of mute. Just in time, because Kiefer tells her he's found one encrypted file on the computer, which is of course the one he wants to look at. He gives Chloe the computer's IP address so she can upload a decryption program. No sooner has he done that than the doorknob rattles. "Someone's at the door," Kiefer says urgently. Chloe says the deployment grid doesn't show any agents there. And yet we can clearly see an unidentified figure walking into the room. From behind, Kiefer grabs him and pushes him against the wall, his gun in the man's face. Naturally, it's Wayne Palmer, who has changed out of his bloody shirt since last we saw him (sorry ladies; he's wearing a new one).
"Do not raise your voice," Kiefer hisses. "You son of a bitch, you killed my brother," Wayne accuses. But he wisely does it without raising his voice. Kiefer says Wayne knows that isn't true. "I would have gladly given my life for his," Kiefer insists. "He was my friend." He says he's only there to try to figure out why Palmer got assassinated. With tears in his eyes, Wayne sarcastically suggests that Kiefer go into the room and ask the Secret Service for help. Kiefer reminds us that whoever did the shooting is also planting evidence against Kiefer, and doing a bang-up job of it; "it would be useless to try to convince the authorities" of his innocence. Wayne wonders why he's supposed to be convinced, then, and Kiefer points out that he didn't kill Wayne when he came in the room. Well, he doesn't have a silencer, for one thing, and there are 25 real agents in the apartment with them. Before Wayne can point that out, Kiefer asks for Wayne's help. "How do you expect me to believe you under these circumstances?" Wayne asks. I assume he's referring to the gun barrel down which he's still staring. Kiefer comes to the same conclusion, and hands the gun to Wayne. Wayne takes it and levels it at Kiefer's face. Kiefer just stares back at him calmly, until he gets bored with the little scene and goes to sit at the computer. Wayne lowers the gun and slumps against the wall, crying. Brave move on Kiefer's part. Let's see, Sherry Palmer, Julia Milliken, and Palmer were all killed in Wayne's presence. I'm thinking he's a pretty dangerous guy to be around even when he isn't upset and holding a gun.
It's 8:24:04 as FLOTUS stands before the misty water-colored memories of Palmer playing on her television screen. She's gotten her hair fixed in a completely different style, and is wearing a new outfit. The maid comes in to help her finish getting ready, and is subjected to her boss's reminiscences of Palmer while the poor girl is just trying to do her job. Walt comes in and asks about the time of the call from Palmer that FLOTUS is so het up about. She says it was between 10:00 and 11:00 the night, and Walt says he's off to pull the recording. But FLOTUS stops him and says of the President, "He doesn't believe me, does he?" Walt says he wouldn't say that, and FLOTUS chuckles darkly, "Of course you wouldn't say it." I'm glad there's finally a character on this show who's willing to help me out a little. Walt tries to dig himself out of the hole, but FLOTUS dismisses him. I wonder if he's still the only one she'll listen to.
Back in Wayne's study. Kiefer asks if Palmer had been acting unusual. Leaning against the far wall, Wayne says Palmer had been distracted since arriving in L.A. Without ceremony, he walks up behind Kiefer and sets the gun on the desk in front of him, then returns to his place by the door. Nice little moment there. D.B. Woodside is such a better actor when his characters aren't being stupid. Chloe comes in over Kiefer's earpiece with word that the decryption program is ready. Kiefer taps the keyboard, and little red squares dance up and down the computer screen like digital scrubbing bubbles. Wayne immediately recognizes the newly-decrypted file as the first chapter from Palmer's memoir. He wonders why Palmer would bother encrypting something that has printouts lying all over the place. Kiefer thinks they should compare the document to a printout to look for changes that might signal information that Palmer would have hidden there. And then, you know, encrypted it in order to draw attention to it. Wouldn't have been the first time that Palmer was inadvertently working against himself, but I'm glad it's the last. Luckily, Wayne has a printout handy, and they start reading. Shouldn't Wayne put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door or something so they don't get busted? Sit down, HoYay!ers, I'm not talking to you.
At CTU, Edgar and Spencer are snipping at each other over some technobabble, but what's really bothering them is what's going on with Chloe. Or at least it's bothering Edgar, and Spencer is just pretending. Edgar suggests that Spencer take care of his technobabble problem by logging in under Chloe's ID. He gives Spencer the password and everything. It's like he's saying, "You may be in her pants, but I'm in her files." Put the dicks away, boys. But even with Chloe's ID, Spencer can't log in. He and Edgar quickly determine that Chloe's already logged in remotely. Spencer wonders how Edgar can be sure it's really Chloe, which is a fair question considering how well-traveled her password appears to be. But Edgar knows it's really Chloe thanks to some distinctive technobabble about the way she set up her remote connection. "Even I don't know how to do that," he says. "Then she's alive," Spencer says ambiguously. Edgar calls Buchanan to give him this news while Spencer runs a locator trace on Chloe's remote connection. They quickly ascertain that Chloe is looking at building schematics and agent deployments at Wayne Palmer's building. "The signal's faint," Edgar says, which we can see by the fact that the flag showing the address on the computer screen is fading in and out. Even I know that's bullshit, but it's enough for Edgar to conclude that Chloe must be in an underground parking garage. Buchanan hangs up with Edgar and picks up the phone to make another call. At his side, Audrey wonders why Chloe would be doing this. Buchanan says she wouldn't, unless Kiefer was forcing her. Audrey, who is freaking me out by being the voice of reason here, points out that a guilty Kiefer wouldn't be sniffing around the scene of the crime while it's swarming with agents. "Jack can explain it to us when we apprehend him," Buchanan says. It's 8:28:27.
Commercials. What a relief to know that Palmer's death isn't enough to stop him from trying to sell me car insurance.
8:32:54. Some longhair packs explosives into a truck, Kiefer hacks, Palmer's still dead, and Chloe is monitoring her screen. Wherever the longhair is, there are a bunch of other guys taking machine guns out of a crate. A guy's cell phone rings nearby, and he answers it. The guy with the phone is another nameless bald guy, and his caller is none other than The Man. The Man says that Bald Guy 2.0 and his guys should be on their way already, but Bald Guy 2.0 assures his boss that they'll get to where they're going right on schedule. "Call me when you're approaching," says The Man, and hangs up.
In Wayne's study, he and Kiefer have found a discrepancy between the printout and the document on the screen. Wayne has spotted a name and an address inserted in the middle of a sentence. Kiefer reads off "Chevensky - 16 Transport Way" to Chloe. She quickly determines that Transport Way is a street at Ontario Airport. Now, when I saw this, I hadn't ever heard of L.A.'s Ontario Airport, and I was like, "This show wants us to believe that there's only one airport in the entire province of Ontario?" Which would have been grounds for revocation of Kiefer Sutherland's Canadian citizenship, but the mistake was mine. Kiefer tells Chloe to check incoming flights for a passenger named Chevensky. Before she can do that, though, she notices that a lot of agents are suddenly moving into the building. Kiefer realizes that means he's busted, so he puts on his aviator shades to sneak out undetected. Wayne offers to help him get out, but Kiefer declines, saying Wayne can't risk it. He also tells Wayne to keep their clue a secret until they know whom they can trust, and Wayne agrees. With a last promise to find Palmer's real killer, Kiefer leaves the room.
Out in the hallway, Kiefer looks towards the living room and sees a bunch of agents milling around, every one of them holding a copy of a screen-grab of his face from the security camera footage. Why do I have to be so goddamn handsome?, he wonders. Chloe quickly finds him an alternate exit through the kitchen, and he only has to punch out one guy to get out of the apartment. Out in the hallway, he lurks in an alcove while two uniformed cops step out of the elevator, admiring their own Kiefer headshots. Did the Secret Service commandeer a Kinko's? "Good thing he's so goddamn handsome," the cops mutter inaudibly to each other. Kiefer darts unseen into the elevator and asks where the agents are most heavily concentrated. Right then, Chloe's schematic goes dark, as someone has cut off her access to the deployment grid. She does know that the agents were gathering in the lobby a second ago. Kiefer bails out of the elevator on the second floor and heads down the stairs at a dead run. He meets a guy in a suit at the third floor landing, and quickly delivers an efficient beatdown before going on his way. I hope that guy wasn't just the concierge or something.
Inside the white van in the parking garage, Chloe and Derek nervously watch the door Kiefer disappeared through earlier, willing him to appear. Right then, the side door of the van slides open, startling both of them out of their skins. But it's just Kiefer, who jumps in. He's already bugging Chloe for what she found out about Chevensky. Somehow, with everything else that's been going on the last couple of minutes, she's been able to determine that Chevensky is the baggage supervisor at Ontario Airport. Before they can figure out what to make of that, a voice booms out through the garage: "Jack Bauer! Agent O'Brian! The perimeter is sealed. There is no way out." Yeah, I've heard that before. A whole squad of agents is slowly sweeping the garage, guns out. Their leader, an Agent Jennings, orders them to show themselves. It's 8:36:27 as Jennings signals for his men to fan out. Then, with a squeal of tires, the van breaks cover and roars toward the exit, barely giving Jennings time to leap out of the way. ["I really hoped they'd managed to rig up a Malloy-style remote-control set-up a la Ocean's Eleven." -- Sars] He orders his men to hold their fire, and about a dozen uniformed and plainclothes guys chase the van up the ramp on foot. At the garage's exit, the van smashes through a flimsy barricade (sealed, my ass), skids, and clips a parked car while trying to turn up the road. So we know it's not Kiefer driving. The van doesn't get far before two police cars cut off its path. It comes to a stop and is quickly surrounded by angry, out-of-breath agents with their guns out. Chloe gets out of the van with her hands up, and is quickly cuffed. Other guys open the back of the van, and instantly see that Kiefer's not in it. "Bauer's not here," Jennings says to his shirt cuff. "Secure the area." Uh, yeah, good idea. Do you need to unseal the perimeter to do that?
It's moot anyway, because Kiefer and Derek are already in the process of stealing a car. From the shotgun seat, Derek watches with more than just idle interest as Kiefer uses a tool from his man-purse to pop the ignition lock and get the car started. With that, they're on their way. It's 8:38:07.
8:42:32. Buchanan and Audrey are hard at work at CTU, no doubt preparing for their meeting. Logan surveys his domain, and the stolen Kiefermobile zips down an empty street. Sometimes I wonder if people in Los Angeles watch this show and think they'd be willing to put up with periodic national security breaches in exchange for the constant lack of traffic in the 24-verse. Fortunately, I can poll you on that. Kiefer whips out his cell phone to call Diane with an update. She says she's "on the 210 at the 10." Kiefer tells her to take the 10 east to Ontario Airport and meet him at the terminal parking lot. That done, he sincerely apologizes for getting her and Derek mixed up in the situation, and promises to be there in a few minutes. Do you think he'll reimburse her for parking?
Agent Jennings is on the phone with Buchanan -- who's in the conference room with Audrey, Curtis, Edgar, and some randoms -- to report that although Kiefer got away, they managed to nab Chloe while she was trying to escape. Buchanan is surprised to hear that Chloe wasn't under duress. He asks to talk to her. Jennings orders her uncuffed, and hands her his cell phone. "Hi," Chloe chirps. Buchanan roars back at his speakerphone, "Chloe, what the hell's going on?" Chloe informs Buchanan that Kiefer's being framed, as per the "dying confession" of Jeff Kober. Chloe tells Buchanan where to find Kober's body. Audrey asks if Kiefer has any evidence that Palmer's assassination is connected to the summit (shorter Audrey: "me, me, me"). Chloe says Kiefer's working on it. Buchanan asks where Kiefer is now, and that's where Chloe's willingness to share dries up. Buchanan angrily orders Chloe to spill, but she refuses and hands the phone back to Jennings. "Bring her back to CTU," Buchanan snaps to the agent. He dispatches Curtis and a team to the refinery to find Jeff Kober's body, and instructs Edgar to make sure Chloe goes into a holding cell when she returns. Aw, yeah, Edgar's in charge of the Chloe-holding.
It's 8:44:37 as Kiefer and Derek head for Ontario Airport. Derek breaks the awkward silence by saying that Chloe told him a little bit about Kiefer. Feeling a dramatic scene coming on, Kiefer takes off his sunglasses and grunts, "Well, she shouldn't have." Derek asks why Kiefer had to lie. Kiefer begins by saying he never thought anything like this could happen. He adds, "After your mother rented me that room, I started to remember what it was like to have a family. How nice it was. I started to believe that a guy like me could actually get a second chance." Uh, presumptuous much? He assures Derek that he cares about him, and about his mom. I can see why Kiefer would want to make Diane happy. When she isn't, I tend to have seizures.
At Not Camp David, FLOTUS finds Logan and asks what he found on the tape of her conversation with Palmer. Logan, using that skittish-horse tone with her that's already starting to get old, gives her another chance to drop it, but she's not about to be put off now. He tells her that Palmer was killed by "an unstable ex-CTU agent," but she's still insisting they pursue this, and once again repeats her claim that Palmer mentioned national security. Defeated, Logan pulls out a fancy little digital tape deck and hits play. Even though we can't see any speakers attached to the device, Palmer's and FLOTUS's recorded voices are clearly audible. The conversation starts harmlessly enough, but it quickly gets down to business. Palmer says, "I need to talk to you. It's hardly a matter of national security." And then Palmer's voice goes on to yammer about a charity dinner he's hosting month. Logan doesn't speak to his wife, but his face says, "So THERE!" She's already denying that that's what was said, and starts spinning off out of control. "I know what I heard!" she repeats through her teeth. Logan says he talked to her shrink, and the doctor says that if she isn't consistent with her medication (which we already know she hasn't been), she can experience disorientation and unreliable memories. "That's why you remember something different," Logan says, holding his crying wife. "I know you don't like how these pills make you feel, but you need to take them." This is getting silly. I can't believe that the press hasn't already given FLOTUS a thorough Kitty-Dukakis-ing by now.
Back at CTU, Audrey is still not on board with Buchanan's theory. She wants to know why Chloe would cover for Kiefer if he were really guilty of Palmer's murder. "There's something else going on here and we're missing it," she says diplomatically. As they reach the floor, Edgar meets them with the news that they've just intercepted some chatter indicating a 95% probability of a strike on Logan's summit in the fifteen minutes, which is when the Russian president is scheduled to land. Wow, I hope Edgar remembers to remind them when the target time's a little closer. Audrey again says that Logan is dead-set on not postponing the summit. Buchanan says there may not be a choice, and grabs the nearest phone. "Put me through to Mike Novick," he tells the operator.
8:48:47. That panel truck full of longhairs and machine guns and explosives is on its way to wherever it's going. In the back, Bald Guy 2.0 is on his cell phone, listening to The Man informing him that the Russian's president is right on schedule. "As are we," Bald Guy 2.0 responds. The Man says they're going dark now. "No communication until after you strike." Because they wouldn't want to give anything away or anything. The Man turns back to the video monitor showing a Marine helicopter in the air.
Logan and Walt are on their way through Not Camp David to meet the Russian president's helicopter. Novick catches up with them to alert them to the new intelligence indicating that the Russian president's helicopter will be targeted. He again advises postponing the summit, or, failing that, having the Russian prez land somewhere else and arrive by motorcade. But Logan isn't willing to sacrifice the PR coup of having the Russians land right there at Not Camp David. Even Walt starts to tell him he's making a mistake, but Logan is too caught up in image-making to let security get in the way. "It's up to Secret Service and the Air Force to protect our airspace. Make sure they do the job." He leaves his underlings standing there wondering why there can only be one President of the United States, and why it has to be this clown. It's 8:49:54.
8:54:22. The bad guys are still mid-commute; the Ontario Airport's traffic control tower...um...towers; The Man minds his monitors; and Kiefer drives. He and Derek have arrived at the parking lot, Kiefer pulls into a spot and says, "There's your mom." He somehow manages not to say, "There's your mom's boobs." I'm not much of a breast man, but those things are visible from space right now. Derek makes to jump out, but Kiefer has one more thing to say: "I'm sorry about the way I treated you earlier." I'm not. That was awesome. "You're a good kid," he adds, and gets a small smile in return. Derek finally hops out of the car, and his mom comes running up for a hug. "I was so worrieeeed," Diane says. Damn, she's even whiny when she's happy. Steeling himself, Kiefer gets out of the car, straps on his man-purse, and approaches Diane nervously. She angrily demands to know, "What the hell is going on, Frank?" Kiefer gives his real name and says, "I lied to you about a lot of things." So he doesn't really wipe front to back? "I'll explain as soon as I can, but right now, you and Derek need to go to this address." He hands her a slip of paper, and I wonder for a second if he's recommending a good burrito place, but she reads it and asks, "CTU?" Kiefer says he used to work there, and tells them to ask for Bill Buchanan and say Kiefer sent them. Kiefer apologizes again, and starts walking toward the terminal. "What do we tell them?" Diane calls after him. "Tell them the truth," Kiefer says. Clever, that. Keeping them safe and establishing his alibi. Well played. Too bad Derek's going to fulfill the required role of 24 teenagers since time immemorial and fuck it all up. Inside the terminal at 8:56:06, Kiefer asks the guy at the information desk to direct him to the baggage claim supervisor.
At CTU, Audrey reports to Buchanan that the DoD is still giving the all-clear to airspace over Not Camp David. As they watch the live coverage of the descent of the Russian president's helicopter, Buchanan also gets Spencer to confirm that their agents on the ground are also noticing nothing amiss. "But if they're going to attack the helicopter, it's going to be now," Spencer adds.
In other splitscreen windows, the helicopter positions itself over the landing pad, Logan stands on the lawn watching the landing, and The Man watches the news. Buchanan, Audrey, and Spencer are also riveted to the coverage on the CTU big screen, and how reassuring to know that when terrorists strike on our soil, the government's elite counter-terrorism experts will be watching it on a fake cable news channel. Here's where we get our first good look at the helicopter, revealing that Logan has made the Russian president ride in Marine One to get there. That's a nice touch right there on Logan's part. He may be overly concerned with PR, but at least he's good at it. Everyone watches and waits for the helicopter to blow up or something. But instead, the door opens, the stairs come out, and a Marine in dress blues descends the steps to the grass. He's immediately followed by the Russian delegation, which consists of the Russian president, the Russian president's wife, and the Russian president's forehead. They walk across the lawn and shake hands with Logan, completely without incident. "Our intel must have been wrong," Buchanan tells Audrey. Audrey just looks at him, like, Way to jinx it, there, buttmunch.
In his video sanctum, The Man watches, satisfied.
It's 8:57:42 as Diane and Derek are in their car, on the road to leave the airport. A crossing guard stops them, which gives Derek time to notice that black panel truck parked in front of the terminal. As he watches, the back door pops open, disgorging its payload of duffel-bag-bearing longhairs and Bald Guy 2.0. "Do you see those men?" Derek asks. "That's where Jack went." Oh, so an hour and a half with an ex-CTU guy and he's suddenly Derek Huxley, Boy Super-Agent?
Inside the terminal, the longhairs stride in and take up position in a way that even a Boy Super-Agent can tell is rather sinister. In fact, while I was watching this, even my soda was like, "Dude, that's not good." Derek Huxley, Boy Super-Agent realizes, "Something's wrong. I have to warn Jack." And he hops out of the car and starts running towards the terminal. Um, if you want to warn Kiefer, how about asking mom to hit "redial" on her cell instead of running towards the heavily armed Eurotrash? Worst Boy Super-Agent ever. Diane gets out and tries to give chase, but the crossing guard won't let her leave her car there. She panics, whinily.
Inside the terminal, Bald Guy 2.0 checks his watch and sees another group of his dudes walking in and taking up position. It's about to become a Eurotrash flash mob. Derek wanders around, looking for Kiefer.
Kiefer is busy exploring the back hallways of the terminal, where apparently just anyone can wander around. Apparently there was an outtake here where Kiefer comes across a sign reading OFFICES with an arrow pointing one direction, and another sign with BATHROOM with an arrow pointing the other direction. And then Kiefer went to the bathroom. That doesn't actually happen in the episode, though, which is why they call them outtakes. Clearly the offices are outside the security area, because Kiefer still has his gun. He holds it at the ready as he eases open the door marked Chevensky. But before he can step inside, Chevensky himself approaches from behind, all unsuspecting. Chevensky tries to make a break for it, but Kiefer has his hand around the man's throat before he can get ten feet. Kiefer starts asking about Palmer. When Chevensky pleads ignorance (poorly), Kiefer beats him to the ground and tells him, "You are going to tell me what I want to know. It's just a question of how much you want it to hurt." And how long Kiefer's willing to be exposed in a hallway while he pistol-whips a uniformed airport employee. There are two variables at play here, I'd say.
These questions will have to wait, because at this moment, Bald Guy 2.0 is raising his key fob high in the air and pressing a button. But instead of that black panel truck outside giving a friendly little alarm-chirp, it blows right the fuck up. Diane witnesses the explosion and gasps in shock. Chaos ensues. Kiefer hears the boom and goes to the door to see what's up. This is a mistake on Kiefer's part, because while he is thus distracted, Chevensky has produced a cyanide pill and is already biting down on it. "No!" Kiefer cries, trying to fish it out, but it's too late.
Bald Guy 2.0 fires a whole shitload of bullets into the terminal ceiling, stampeding the passengers. Kiefer hears the screaming and gunfire, and decides that the war going on in the terminal is probably a higher priority than the foam-mouthed dead guy in front of him. His gun suddenly looks very small as he quickly but carefully heads toward the terminal. In the main area, armed security guards are engaging the bad guys, and getting quickly shot down for their trouble. Unlike most people, who have dropped to the ground by now, Derek is trying to inconspicuously make his way towards an exit, a task that is no doubt complicated by the smell that must be coming from his pants at this point. In any case, it's in vain, as an assault-rifle-wielding baddie cuts off his escape route and forces him onto the floor. Kiefer and his man-purse jog down the hallway, until he gets to a vantage point where he can see people running past a door in panic. In the terminal lobby, Bald Guy 2.0 bellows for quiet. He announces to the scores of terrified hostages, "You will not be harmed as long as your President complies with our wishes!" Oh, well, that's a relief.
Splitscreen time. Kiefer contemplates his move, Derek contemplates his change of underwear, Diane futilely fights against the tide of panicked bodies rushing out of the terminal, FLOTUS takes her meds, Chloe is frog-marched into CTU as Spencer and Edgar watch, and the Presidents are still shaking hands for the cameras. Or for FreeRepublic.com's HoYay! threads, one of the two.
So what's left? Well, The Man is on the phone with someone who's telling him, "I have dealt with the Martha Logan situation." Let's pretend we can't recognize the caller's voice, and that the closed-captioning doesn't specifically identify him by his full name. "I was able to alter the tape of the phone call before the President heard it." And then we see that the caller is none other than Walt Cummings, who in addition to his other skills has turned out to be something of an AV wizard. "There's no longer any evidence on my end that Palmer was trying to warn her about the attack," he says. I don't think there was much evidence of that anyway, considering that Palmer hadn't warned jack shit right up to two hours before the attack actually happened. Jeff Kober totally wasted a bullet. The Man returns, "The terminal and the hostages are secured. It'll only be a matter of time until the president is notified of the demands." Walt hangs up and gazes out the window, satisfied in a bad job well done.
So, the following night at 8:00 Eastern. Not only is there no Arrested Development, but I have to recap what's being aired in its place. The universe laughs at my pain.