Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT No Blondes For Oil!
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 17 | Aired on 03.31.2003
Kiefer pulls up to the warehouse where he is to meet the SeventhCoralSnake, and selects a gun from a rather healthy-looking arsenal in the trunk of the Kiefmobile. "What do you want me to do?" asks Cate. He tells Cate to remain where she is in the Kiefmobile and call him on the car phone if there's an emergency. "Don't forget," says Kiefer. "I will do everything I have to to protect you." Cate gives him one of her barely perceptible nods. Kiefer then slithers through a huge amount of dry ice until he finds the entrance to the warehouse beneath a neon sign. He enters the building with his gun drawn and makes those Silence of the Lambs-style defensive movements. Inside, he finds the SeventhCoralSnake. Now, I think I should point out here that SeventhCoralSnake and Colonel Sanders are two different characters. We haven't met Colonel Sanders yet. SeventhCoralSnake served under Colonel Sanders and killed all of his men. Colonel Sanders is the commanding officer of the renegade group. I'm just pointing this out because I've gotten about twenty emails this week asking me why I changed Colonel Sanders's nickname, and I haven't. I'm simply talking about a whole other character. Kiefer makes him drop his weapon and scans his body with something called a Dunlap -- a whatever technology metal detector. SCS warns him that the device is going to pick up some shrapnel in his rib cage, and indeed it does. Kiefer demands to know who he is. SCS explains that he's a member of the Coral Snakes from Fort Benning, and on command he shows Kiefer his forearm, exposing a telltale Coral Snake tattoo. "So you're the seventh man," says Kiefer.
Then SCS sits down at a table with his hands visible to Kiefer and explains that he took out his own platoon so that they couldn't stop the B-O-M-B from detonating. Kiefer asks to what end. "What else, Kiefer?" says SCS. "To start a war." SCS also admits to planting the Cyprus recording so that the B-O-M-B was blamed on Fauxraqistan, Tofurkey, and Akalakistan. His goal was to force the United States to attack the Middle East. "Why?" asks Kiefer. "They didn't tell me," says SCS. "But they didn't have to." The people who hired SCS control oil in the Caspian Sea; a war with the Middle East would create a demand for non-Arab oil and therefore quadruple their holdings' value for at least a decade. "At the cost of destroying Los Angeles?" says Kiefer. "You got it," says SCS. Kiefer asks him what he wants with Cate. SCS explains that the oilmen tried to kill SCS an hour ago and failed, but took out his transport team. Because Warner Industries has a Department of Defense variance, Cate can authorize SCS's departure out of the country since she's a board member. While he is talking to Kiefer, SCS secretly taps his foot against a plug in its socket underneath the table. "So evidence against the Cyprus recording in return for your departure? That's the deal?" says Kiefer. "Yep," says SCS. Uh, I hate to break it to you, CSC, but now that Pop Warner is in CIA custody, that DoD variance might not be all that valid. Just saying. Have you considered getting a wig, some glasses, and a fake passport? Or would that be too efficient and make too much sense?