Episode Report Card Erin: C | 1 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Blowback? Blow me.
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 14 | Aired on 03.06.2004
Sark's sweet-talking her, trying to tell her that she was amazing. No, not in the sack! Before! In Vancouver. Well, I fail to see what was so amazing about sliding into a building, pressing a few buttons, shooting a guard, and just…running away, but I think Sark's standards for "amazing" are slightly lower than mine. There's a pause after he delivers this compliment. Lauren says nothing. "Typically," he says, "this is where you return the compliment." Again, Lauren says nothing. She turns to look at him sexily, pauses as if she's going to say something, then totally doesn't and just gets out of bed. I think Sark's a closet masochist, because this action of hers only serves to bring a wry smile to his lips. What-fucking-ever, JJ and crew. The guy used to be a bad-ass and now he's all, "Oooh! Spank me, mommy!" What a crock of shit.
Zurich. And, hey, just for good measure, let's repeat another scene that doesn't involve Lauren and Sark. You know, because we've already done it several times, one more ain't gonna kill us! Dr. Nancy and her Cavernous Cleavage storm off, but this time, Arvin stops her before she can actually hit the streets. "Until I turned into a complete son of a bitch, we were having a wonderful evening," he says smarmily. Well, actually, Arvin, you were having a quarter of a glass of red wine and five minutes of rather tense conversation. It would seem that Arvin and Sark attended the same class in How To Underestimate Things So That Even The Most Mundane And Boring Events Become Wonderful And Amazing.
Arvin blah blahs about regressing to his former bad guy self and how it's difficult for him to trust anyone. Oh, whatever. Get to the "Syd's your daughter" thing already. He tells Dr. Nancy that he wants to get to know her. He wants to get to know her very much. And if her breasts would also like to get acquainted with him, well all's the better! Dr. Nancy's all, dude? What in the hell does your manipulating me and this date have to do with trust? Sloane's all, you want my secret? You can't handle my secret! Dr. Nancy just looks at him. Sloane starts to spill. It takes him FAR too long to actually get to the secret itself, so I'll summarize: He had an affair with Irina. Yes, that's right. The guy who was so desperately in love with his wife had an affair with his closest friend's wife. Because we're all about character assassination here at Season Three Alias Headquarters.
Dr. Nancy's all, are you telling me that you're Sydney's father? Now -- and this is very important -- Sloane says, "Hmm. I never tried to prove it. One way or the other. But the strength that Sydney finds within…I like to believe that comes from me." Right. Because Jack's such a candy-ass. And notice that he doesn't definitively state that Sydney's his daughter. I think that's because he really isn't and he's just messing with Dr. Nancy's head. Or Irina made him THINK that Syd was his daughter, even though she wasn't, just for her own nefarious purposes. Well, whatever, because now Sloane's amazed to find that he spilled his guts and the world didn't come to an end. Well, seeing as he just delivered a humongous goose-egg of a lie, I'd say that the world probably wouldn't come to an end, but that nose of his just tacked on another two inches. Why, helloooo there, Pinocchio!