Episode Report Card Joe R: A- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT The Two Mrs. Scottsons
By Joe R | Season 3 | Episode 8 | Aired on 2007.09.31
Nancy opens her first paycheck and is depressed to find that Silas selling weed is making more money than she is. She's what...surprised by this? She sarcastically asks Doug if he's got a spare ten grand he can lend her, but Doug seriously asks how quickly she could turn it over if he did. She says a month, and then Doug talks through whatever "dummy corporation" logistics it would take to set it up, so Nancy tells him to do it. And to make it 50 grand. Nancy then asks Shane for his karate class contact sheet, upon which is listed not only Peter Scottson's name, but also one "Valerie Scottson." Something tells me it's stalkin' time!
Porno set. Andy's being a looky-loo and lavishly complimenting the director on his contributions to pornography as an art form. Andy talking about porn is like a cinephile talking about Malick. It's annoying but dorkily admirable. Andy starts to say that he's always dreamt about being in porn, but the director's all, "Yeah, yeah, all caterers do." He says you have to have something special to be in porn, like a wang the size of a Buick or something. What does Andy have that's so special. Cut to a cute girl with a clap-board announcing "Foot Fuckers, scene one!" Seems Andy's mauled foot has been left in the perfect shape for use as a nontraditional phallus. We get a truly hilarious montage of different "Foot Fucker" scenarios, including Andy as UPS delivery guy with sore feet, a room service waiter with sore feet, and a Mexican gardener with sore feet. By the end, his toe is cramping, but he living his dream, the little pervert.
Celia's in her brand new house, her hair in rollers, as she peruses her divorce papers (and draws smiley faces next to her signatures) and slowly empties a bottle of Stoli. She's on the phone with Sullivan, who wants to know is she liked the dress he sent her. She's all, "Well it's a size 2 and I have actual flesh on my bones so it obviously didn't fit." She finds his presumption "flattering but annoying," though she's probably feel differently if she knew as we do that this is the same red dress he bought to give to Nancy, but she refused. While he sweet-talks poor Celia, he writes "I love your ass" on a notepad and holds it up for an irritated Nancy to see. Yeah, Nancy, I think he's a big turd, too. You can tell by how I didn't let him eat me out last week. Anyway, Celia invites Sullivan over to help her celebrate her newly ended marriage, because bad idea relationships aren't the sole province of Nancy Botwin.