Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ushering in the crap
By Alex Richmond | Season 7 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.24.2002
Club Minor. It's a sea of dance music, red lights, and, well, minors. Ben, Simon, and Cecilia wait in line with short, brace-faced teenage girls. Simon insists that the hot older women are all inside. "Settle down!" Cecilia parrots the phrase. Dude, what's with all the filler? Simon passes Ben a fake ID, proclaiming him to be fifteen and black. Perhaps the son of Dr. Hibbert? Ben expresses his dismay and his intentions to leave, AGAIN, but then a hot older woman walks by and Ben decides to stay. Oh, this can't be good.
CamPound Kitchen. Ruthie leads the Borg in, sees Jake, and does the opposite of kvell. Jake says that his mom said he can stay as late as he wants. I think Jake's mom hates him. I know I do. Jake takes the Borg into the other room, and Ruthie asks Annie if she can "move to a foreign country" to avoid Jake's love. Annie suggests letting him down gently, since it isn't fair to him to let him think he's liked back. Jake comes back in the kitchen and says Candyland is ready to go. Ruthie says she doesn't like Jake, and she doesn't want to have lunch with him, or for him to carry her books or even spend any time with her. Annie hisses that she said "gently!" Jake is unflapped. "That's cool." Ruthie is surprised. Jake says he needs a ride home, and Lucy volunteers. Ruthie walks him down the hall and "thanks" him for "not crying." Jake says that they're "twelve. It's not like we're getting married." So, will Kevin cry when Lucy dumps his ass? I hope so.
Lucy tells her mom she's heading down to the pool hall to hang with her robot fiancé and his hot cop partner. Not because she wants to, but because she has to. "Sometimes love sucks!" Sigh. And did Annie listen to Eric on the air? No, Annie is "not supporting" Eric's new career. Bitch.
Promenade. Eric, Usher, and Heartbreak Girl split up to look for Carl the suicide king. A suicidal guy will be hanging out on the promenade? Whatever.
Club Minor is pulsing with action. Oh, ew. The bass is bumping. Boom boom boom boom. It sounds just like a tacky person's car stereo. Simon pops and locks his way right into Cecilia's heart. My lunch pops its way on out of my stomach. Ben stands alongside the dance floor, looking like a big old tree. Cut him open and count the rings! It'll be fun. Some brace-faced girls stare at him and giggle. Ben shakes his head. Dude? Leave. Cecilia slumps over, shoulders rounded, and says girls are staring at him because he reminds them "of their parents." Ben, sounding exactly like Duff Man, says, "Simon is SO dead." He could have added an "OH yeah!" Cecilia says uncaringly that maybe all the hot older women come to the club on Wednesdays. She then "dances" her way over to Simon. She looks like a slumpy orangutan. Not. Good. A young gal approaches Ben and asks him to dance. He say he's older than he looks. She says he looks "really old" and that she's "okay with that." Hee. He says no, and she shouts, "Tease!" Sing it, sister. Don't put the product on display if it isn't priced to move. Ben wanders off, and the hot older woman we saw walking into the club walks up to him. She's been watching him, and she has to know something. How old is Ben? And how did he get in there? Ben smiles and says that a friend hooked him up with a fake ID. She smiles and says that she got in because she owns this club. Ben smiles and says that he's in a lot of trouble, isn't he. He is. Boom boom boom.
Usher finds Carl, sitting alone on a bench. Carl doesn't really want to talk, so Usher tells him a story about getting dumped by his girl right before their anniversary. He says he "got it bad, man." This is a reference to Usher's hit song, "You Got It Bad." Lame! And probably required in his contract. "If I'm not performing, I want to at least MENTION one of my songs." Anyway, Usher was in a bad way until one of his friends suggested he talk to a counselor at school. This is the Very Special Moment, kids. The lesson is, Talk To A Counselor. Ding ding ding! Emily and Eric approach and ask that Carl get help too. Carl is all, what do you care. Emily says that just because she doesn't want to date or marry Carl doesn't mean she doesn't give a shit. It might seem that way, but she says it doesn't. Carl, who acts as if he's watched a lot of Christian Slater videos and takes all his acting cues from those '80s relics, says he feels bad all the time. Eric steps up and asks Carl just get through this day, and maybe all he needs is help? Oh, you magnificent bastard! It's true! All the suicidal kid needs is...help! Eric, of course, speaks slowly and with lots of "uhs," indicating that he realizes all HE needed was a little help to get through the difficult post-bypass time in his life. What a great way to tie it all in! Carl looks at Emily and asks how she could do this to him. She says she doesn't want to be dragged down with him, and his inability to love himself made her want to leave. Eric says he can take Carl somewhere where he can get help for the rest of his life. Carl is all, "You mean church. I thought you said you quit." Eric says he needs "a little help walking back in the door." Usher actually says, "Amen!" Yeah, lean on the guy that wants to kill himself. Carl recalls a "little place by the beach" that might be nice to get help. Emily thinks that's a great idea. The piano and guitar play optimistically.