Episode Report Card Sara M: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Sphincter Says What?
By Sara M | Season 9 | Episode 11 | Aired on 11.28.2004
In the hallway, RevCam finds Ruthie, who says that she's totally sorry about "looking" at Martin's computer screen, if by looking she means "reading and memorizing its contents." RevCam says he thinks Martin is more upset about his dad than about Ruthie the Spy, and the doorbell rings. Ruthie asks if there's anything she can do for Martin, and RevCam says all they can do is "be there" for him. Ruthie remarks that she hasn't even been friendly to Martin lately. And when is Ruthie going to get punished for spying on Martin anyway?
Ruthie walks away as Annie comes running upstairs. RevCam asks her who was at the door. "Wayne Newton!" she says. Apparently he has some things he needs to discuss with RevCam. The CamRents come downstairs, where they see a strange-looking creature who seems to have himself a bad case of Gestface. Oh, Wayne Newton. Plastic surgery should be but a passing acquaintance, not one's best friend. Seriously, his eyebrows are so high up that they've gone up his forehead, over his skull, and down to about his mid-back. Not like you can really tell, since the light reflecting off of his face is so glaringly bright that it burns your retinas if you stare at it too long, like the sun. This show burned out my retinas a long time ago, though, so it's not a problem for me. RevCam and Annie claim to be big Wayne Newton fans and they can't believe he's in their house right now. I can't believe he's there either, considering that I just saw him in a cell phone commercial where he and freaking Snoop Dogg were exchanging text messages! How do you go from hanging out with Snoop Dogg to chilling with Snoop Dumbasses?
Wayne Newton and his chipmunk cheek implants ask if the CamRents want him to sing his big hit song, "Danke Schoen." RevCam and Annie stare at him. Wayne Newton says he's kidding. RevCam and Annie laugh. Wayne Newton says he'll only sing if they pay him. RevCam and Annie stare. Wayne Newton says he's kidding again. RevCam and Annie laugh again, and RevCam puts his hand on his face because he can't believe how awesome Wayne Newton is right now. Wayne Newton says that he just got back from "the Middle East" and he's a little "punchy." Good. Maybe he can go punch Ruthie in the face. Or Lucy. Any Camden will do, really. RevCam asks if they can get Wayne Newton anything, and Wayne Newton says that he can do something for them. Well, not for them, but for Martin. He has a message for Martin from his father. RevCam and Annie can barely hide their disappointment that Wayne Newton didn't come to see them.
Back from commercial, Martin is talking to Wayne Newton. He asks him why he was in Iraq. "Vacation," says Wayne Newton. Martin stares. Wayne Newton's kidding. He's actually the chairman of the "celebrity circle" of the USO. Martin asks why Wayne Newton got involved with the USO and Wayne Newton says that he wanted to be in the army, but he had asthma and couldn't. So this is his way of contributing something. Martin asks about his father. Wayne Newton says Martin's dad is tired and misses his son. He says that he was hanging out with Martin's dad right after Martin's dad emailed Martin about his extended tour of duty, and he was also with him when Martin emailed him back. Wayne Newton was with Martin's dad an awful lot, if you ask me. Martin says he feels kind of bad about the angry email he sent his dad. Martin talks about how hard it is to be the son of a soldier, and we've heard that before. Wayne Newton says that Martin's dad has two duties: to his son and to his country. Martin says that's not good because his dad should be concentrating only on himself and staying alive. Wayne Newton hands Martin some letters from his dad and says he's glad he got to meet Martin. Wayne Newton ends his visit by saying that Martin might think he's the only person who's making sacrifices and that no one understands him, but he's wrong. There are a lot of other soldiers in Iraq who had to leave their families too, although you wouldn't know it considering that Martin's dad is the only person we ever hear about. Anyway, it kind of sounded like Wayne Newton was telling Martin to buck up because he isn't the only person with problems, but he was just trying to tell him that there are support groups he can join. They hug and salute each other with the kind of salute one does when one hasn't ever actually served in the armed forces.