Episode Report Card Erin: A+ | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT "Almost thirty hours" is more like it
By Erin | Season 1 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.11.2002
Back with The Sadistic Dentist Of Asian Persuasion and his unwilling wuss of a victim. Okay. The drilling? Could we stop with the drilling? SDAP is all up in Willage's face with the drill, and because I have to go to the dentist tomorrow and because I know I have at least two cavities and because I don't have insurance right now and the whole procedure is going to cost me a fucking fortune, this scene is fucking BUGGING me right now.
SDAP is all, let's talk about The Circumference. Willage is all, I DUNNO A SHING ABOOD A SERCUMHRENSH. See, 'cause he has all that crap in his mouth. So, like, it's hard to understand him. See? See what I did there? Ha. I'm funny. And so is this keyboard! Hee. It makes clicky-clicky with the keys. Tap. Tap tap tap. Hee. Julio! Come listen to the music Mommy's making with the typey thing. Isn't it pretty? Ooooh…ice cream…
Okay. Ew. SDAP doesn't like Willage's garbled and saliva-drenched answer, so he brings on the big guns. If by "big guns" you mean "rusty tooth-pulling device used on Sydney in Episode One." And, like, SDAP goes in for Willage's tooth and he starts screaming and Bradley Cooper does a stellar job of completely freaking my shit out. And hey, sound guys? Nice work with the bone crunching and metal scraping. Hope you win a fucking medal. Great. I am SO looking forward to visiting Dr. Painless tomorrow. SO NOT.
Back with Uncle Arvin. He's chatting with Head Alliance Guy about the whole Emily reprieve thing. However, since they both know now that Emily's cancer is more like a nasty head cold or something, sparing Auntie Em's life may no longer be an option. Sloane wants to "bring her in." Whatever that means. Head Alliance Guy's not buying it. Sloane tells him he's making a mistake. Oh, whatever. Just kill her already. Not that I don't like Amy Irving. I do. Big fan. But I'm bored, people. Normally, I have the attention span of a fruit fly, so you can imagine how bloody attentive I am when I'm on two hundred different kinds of cold medication. Shiny objects? Keep 'em away from me. I'll get so distracted I'll probably forget to put shoes on before heading to the market.
Ooooh…sparkly things…I likey the sparkly things…
Anyway, Sloane's all, it's not what I'll do if you off my wife, it's what I won't do. Huh? What? Sparkly things. Head Alliance Guy's all, staring. I'm staring now. Getting my SAG card. Staring. Sloane's all, the Alliance needs new leadership and I'm just the man for the job. Head Alliance Guy's all, still staring. I'm still staring. God, the pores in Ron Rifkin's nose are HUGE. Staring. And I think there's a moment here where Sloane basically tells the Head Alliance Guy that they can kill Emily only if he's granted membership to the Alliance as a full partner. Like, when he said that thing about what he would or wouldn't do? I think he was basically saying, "Hey, man. I could totally fight you on this wife-killing thing but, like, I really want the corner office and the company car so, uh, bring on the perks and I'll let you nail her without complaint. Cool? Cool." At least, that's what it seems like to me. And then Head Alliance Guy's all, right on. We were gonna make you a partner anyway, dude. But, uh, you do realize that this offer's only good if you take care of your little "problem." Now it's Sloane's turn to stare. And we're staring. Aaaaaaand we're staring.