Episode Report Card Omar G: C | 213 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT The Big, Gay Cold Shoulder
By Omar G | Season 7 | Episode 20 | Aired on 2008.05.15
We cut to a TV screen. Lana, bled of all color in what's almost black and white footage, is talking to the video camera. Her face is right up against the camera and she already has tears in her eyes. As corny-ass piano music plays, she tells Clark, via the magic of DVD, that she was going to wait to tell him this in person. But she just happened to have some make-up and a video camera lying around so...The camera pulls back in the room as Lana says that if she'd looked into Clark's eyes, she'd never be able to say this. We cut to Clark watching the TV in his darkened living room. Lana says that they thought they were meant to be together, but the truth is they were fooling themselves. "I need you," she says, "but the world needs you more." Oh GAWD. She says that as long as she's in Clark's life, she's holding him back. We knew this! Back in Season One! Where was your fucking self-realization then? YOU WASTED OUR TIME! We TOLD you guys! We see the shape of a woman coming into the door behind Clark. She's all fuzzy, but it's easy to tell it's Lois. "Please, don't come after me," we hear Lana say from the recording. On TV, Lana is crying. "I love you, Clark," she blubbers. Clark blinks back tears. "... More than you will ever know," Lana says. She smiles through her pain and moves to turn off the recording. We see static, which doesn't make sense on a DVD, but whatever. Clark is crying now. The music isn't helping. His lip quivers. Oh, shut up. You're gonna have one more fling in Season Eight with her, and we all know it. He turns and sees that Lois is in the doorway. He tries to put on a brave face, but he's pretty destroyed. Lois rushes to him and gives him a huge hug. "I'm so sorry," she says quietly Clark cries on her shoulder. We cut to a wider short and pull back as the two of them hug. So... wanna have a beer? And then some sex?
Al: YES! Fuck YES! You thought we were gone didn't you?
Miles: We were laying low... setting our trap... doing filthy things in the bushes while you were watching unawares.
Al: Now their love is FOREVER, bitches! We win! Go stab your eyes out if you don't like it. It took seven whole seasons, but we are the champions, my friend! No time for non-Clana-lovin' losers, 'cuz Al and Miles are the champions...
Al and Miles: OF THE... WOOOOOORLD!
Al: Suck it, fandom. We're going out on a high note. This is what it's all about. Living large and livin' Lana. PINK, OUT!
Miles: Pink out, motherfuckers. Smell ya later, haters.