Episode Report Card Djb: D | 14 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Yawn. Look, Another Penis.
By Djb | Season 4 | Episode 6 | Aired on 2000.08.16
Cut to Stanislofsky and his girlfriend. He tells her he is very likely to die, but that she must do him one favor and call [hands her slip of paper] this phone number at 5 pm sharp. Like I'm supposed to have absolutely no idea what's about to happen. And, because every clock on the planet is perfectly synchronized to the second, the phone rings at 5 pm to the Em City second. The guards uncover the phone taped to the bottom of chair, and O'Reily looks very, very guilty. Cut to O'Reily and Hoyt being interviewed separately by Querns. Big lies all around. Oh, um, and somewhere in there Hill made a speech. Ring. Hello? No one cares. Click.
O'Reily pod. Ryan tells Adebisi that he wants Stanislofsky dead, a conversational thread that dies way after it should have when Adebisi indicates that Cyril hasn't spent much time looking not dead these past few days. When Ryan can't wake him, he calls for a guard and we cut, real ER-style, to Cyril being wheeled into the infirmary. Oops. He ODed on the Haldol. Again, oops. Ryan paces outside of a rather tall set of bars and Said approaches in an attempt to comfort him. Ryan tells Said he thinks Gloria did this in purpose. Cut to Sister Pete walking into Gloria's office, where Sister Pete begins the process of trying to convince Gloria that Keenan's attack on her was random and that O'Reily had nothing to do with it.
In the strangely unguarded and completely empty gym with its free weights and numerous other metal death tools, many of which can be configured to outweigh even the fastest of men, Ryan enters to find Keenan mid-lifting. After some more faux luck-o'-the-Irish bonding, Ryan asks Keenan just what it was like to violate Dr. Nathan. And so Keenan begins his story, "She was walking into her apartment. And she was so hot." This proud depravity is juxtaposed against Cyril the Innocent waking up in the hospital and saying things to Gloria like, "My brother, he does bad things. But deep down, he's not bad," and the even more cloying (is that even possible? Read on!) "He loves you. With all his heart." Back in the gym, Ryan soaks in the rest of the story, exhales a genuinely winded, "Jesus," before collecting himself and adding, "You sure did a job on her." Ryan asks Keenan if he would like to work for him. Keenan would very much like to, indeed. Then he tells Keenan that he always gets someone else to kill for him. Then he makes an exception just for Keenan. Barbell fun times. Keenan hits the floor, dead. Arif, standing near the door, watches it all, but runs away before Ryan sees him. Ryan steals Keenan's shamrock necklace. Cut to Keenan being wheeled out of the infirmary, as Gloria gives the directive to send him down to the morgue. She returns to her office to find an envelope with her name on it, which she cracks open to discover contains a note written by a production assistant whose boss probably told her, "You're writing this for Ryan O'Reily's character. Try to make it look like you're real craaaaaaaaaazy." The note reads, "All for you, Gloria. All for you." The shamrock falls out of the envelope into her hand.