Episode Report Card Pamie: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT "Who's Your Daddy? Who's Your Daddy? Say it! Say it!"
By Pamie | Season 1 | Episode 8 | Aired on 08.27.2000
["Oh, dear God. What have we done?" -- Saint Clare I]
Hey, hey, the Bankruptcy Diner's got a rush! Three whole customers! This doesn't stop Scout from ceasing all work when Bella rushes in and asks whether Will is there. Scout says that Will isn't there and that he thought maybe Bella was coming by to say goodbye to him. "I leave tomorrow." Bella acts like a fly just flew in front of her face and says, "Oh, God, Scout. That's right." Bad dub then says, "Have you seen Will?" Scout makes the, "Hello? I just said I was leaving? Me? The brother you've been in love with for eight weeks?" face and says, "No." He asks her, "What's up?" Bella starts her bad lying saying that nothing's wrong. Bella then says, "You know what? It's fine. It's fine." Scout comes from behind the counter to stop her from leaving and recaps the last three minutes. She says she "just really needs" to find Will. Scout asks if Will is in trouble. She says she promised Will she wouldn't say anything. Push, pull, push, pull, you know the drill. She tells Scout everything and then hikes up her skirt a little more and shows her world to him. Basically. She goes into a bunch of sighs and lip licks and makes Scout promise not to say anything about him knowing. He says that if he sees Will he'll just tell him that she was looking for him. Bella thanks him and we're treated to five extreme close-ups of Bella and Scout looking in different directions. As she turns to go he stops her and asks if he's going to ever see her again. She smiles, squints and whispers, "I'll come by later." You can almost hear Scout's penis smack the polyester of his work pants.
Bella walks back to Ye Olde Gas Pumpe and finds one of her dads -- the one they call "Charlie" just to keep it simple -- walking out of the station like he's modeling his coveralls. "Hi, baby," he growls, and licks his lips. He really does, y'all. I'm crazy-nauseous. She asks what all of the yelling was about earlier. He says that everything is fine and tells her to finish up the bike. They've got Bella on the ground and Charlie on this porch thing so he looks like he might be tall enough to be her father. Bella crosses her arms and demands to know what's going on. Hey, Bella? We ALL heard it! He was shouting it to all of New Rawley. The shot was from outside the gas station. Charlie is really the poor man's Bill Paxton, (or a poor man's Vince McMahon, for those WWF fans out there. WWF and YA go hand-in-man-love-hand, after all.). UnVince (as he shall be known for the last episode) sits down and tells Bella that her mother never put his name on the deed to the station. He says they're putting the building up for auction next week. "Auction!" Bella screeches. He says that he's not going to let them, and that he'll figure something out. "Well, God, we live here. Can't we just...get our name on the deed or something?" "Yeah. Probably. That's probably what's going to happen." Wow. Townie Law is so much simpler. My mother has spent the past three months trying to get the rights to the land behind my grandmother's house since she passed away. And that's in Stratford, Connecticut. That's more Townie than New Rawley could ever strive for. It puts the "ow" in "Townie." UnVince tells Bella not to worry, to finish up the bike and to "stop bugging [him]." He laughs, smiles, and caresses the back of her head while kissing her as a piercing flute note flips the remote control from my table and stabs me between my eyes. It's like getting stuck inside the soundtrack to Titanic. Bella has to lick her lips and look down frequently to soak this all in as UnVince walks away (That's "UnVince" as in "UnconVincing"). She turns around, exhales, gives a good licking, and walks off-screen. Close-up on her crotch as she sits down and clasps her hands. Pan up as the music swells ultra-dramatically as Bella looks to the heavens. A flock of ducks flies overhead. Hi, Young Americans? The Sopranos called. They want their symbolism back. And they said you'd better get it dry-cleaned first. We watch Bella get choked up and nervous for another thirty seconds. UnVince tosses a rag and walks into the station. Bella exhales, purses her lips, exhales and then proudly stands up. She closes her eyes as she stands directly beneath an American flag. Why it isn't at half-mast for the death of this show, we'll never know. Bella puffs herself up, shakes her head, squints and swallows. "Not without one hell of a fight," she chokes out. Oh, God! You can take away her incest, but you can't take away...her FREEDOM!
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