Episode Report Card Cate: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Blind
By Cate | Season 5 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.29.2000
Hey, speaking of crap, it's time for a showdown at the Hokey Corral. Sarah and the hideous troll known as Rachel are sitting at opposite ends of the dining room table. It looks like this is supposed to be a take-off on some boardroom drama, where Rachel is saying things like, "This house isn't big enough for the both of us." Both of them refuse to leave. I hope Rachel doesn't sprain any facial muscles with her overacting. Lucy comes in and displays some of her patented Camden charm to try to get the little morons to get along. Rachel says, "No offence, but if I wanted a Back to School [sic] Special lecture, I'd turn on my TV." That would have been such a good line if they'd got the name of the series right -- and if it had been delivered by anyone other than Rachel. Lucy flips out and begs the brats to leave. They agree. Is this episode almost over? Gwen and I are supposed to toilet-paper Aaron Spelling's mansion for Halloween, and at this rate we'll never get all 400 rooms done by morning.
Loser Johnny apologizes to Frankie for knocking her around and cheating on her and generally treating her like shit. Frankie says she realizes he's sorry and kisses him. She adds that unless they tell the CamRents "what they want to hear" they will never "get rid of them." That would be funny if the circumstances weren't so serious. They walk over to the CamRents, and Frankie gives them a song-and-dance about going into marriage counseling, blah blah. Frankie's a better actress than many on the show, so it's sort of funny that her speech comes off as sounding just as sincere as anything else we've ever heard on 7th Heaven. The CamRents are skeptical anyway. RevCam asks them not to contact Mary again, and Frankie agrees not to call Mary until she and Johnny are more on track. Does that mean they're not going to pick up Mercy? Frankie and Johnny turn to leave. Johnny starts to pick up his smokes from the table, but SuperMom sighs loudly, so he puts them back and gets the hell out of there. Annie comments that she doesn't know how Mary became friends with Frankie and Johnny since she has "absolutely nothing in common with them." RevCam gives her a snarky look, which causes her to doubt her own judgment and appeal to him for his opinion. Um, Annie? Yeah, you might want to think about whom you're approaching for advice. This is RevCam, remember? Creepy stalker extraordinaire? Yeah, that guy. I'm sure you can reason better on your own.
Simon enters the house and looks at himself in the glass of a kitchen cabinet. Lucy runs down the stairs and starts yelling at him for going out alone on a Saturday night. Now, that's just sad. Simon asks if she notices anything different about him. Lucy gasps and draws back as if he'd had a whole score of upside-down crosses tattooed on his head. Has he sprouted horns? No, he got his ear pierced. Lucy flips out in a completely annoying way. Get a fucking life. It's not like he had all the verses of the Satanic Bible branded onto his body. It's just an earring. Lucy runs off in a snit. Simon doesn't care; he's too busy talking to his reflection in the kitchen cabinet again: "Hi, I'm Simon, Simon Camden -- super-cool guy, Mr. Cool, yeah." Mr. Cate thinks he may be directing his comments to the knob on the kitchen cabinet, since that would be the perfect symbolism. I can't say I disagree. Lucy obviously feels the same way, too, because she comes back downstairs to smack Simon upside the head.