Episode Report Card Keckler: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Tempus fudges-it
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 11 | Aired on 11.27.2001
Bridge. "What've you got?" Quantum asks, strolling up to Mayflower, who tells him they've found one of the ships. "Put it up," Quantum orders. The ship, sailing through heaven-like purpley-bluey clouds, appears on the view screen. T'Pol reports, "It appears to be a transport vessel." "Hail them," Quantum orders, ready to charm these new aliens with his toothy smile and dull wit. "They're responding," Hoshi says and flicks the transmission on. An alien with a bumpy dark green face (kinda like an avocado) appears: "Can I help you?" "My name is Archer. I'm captain of the starship Enterprise. We are from Earth. We thought we'd introduce ourselves." Quantum smugly looks around the bridge at his crew as he delivers his speech. "Pleased to meet you -- whatta ya want?" Captain Avocado demands impatiently. Ha! Quantum is a bit taken aback, and says they don't want anything, but since they're new to those parts, they're itching to make contact with "other species." Why don't they just bring over a nice casserole like everyone else and leave it at that? "Oh," Captain Avocado half-groans. I'll bet there's a whole host of species out there that run and hide when they detect an Earth vessel approaching. "Oh, jeez, it's those annoying humans again, all eager for 'first contact.' We don't have time for this. Activate cloaking device." Quantum goes on, oblivious to Captain Avocado's reluctance to talk to him: "If you don't mind me asking, what brings you here?" "A job," Captain Avocado says, then further explains that he's transporting a bunch of "spiritually-minded men" to view the Great Plume of Agosoria. Naturally, Quantum doesn't know what that is. Capt. Avocado explains, "Every eleven years, one of the protostars gives out a neutron blast. These gentlemen believe it's a sacred event. If you ask me, I think it's just another ball of hydrogen." Not unlike Quantum. ["Heh. I think you meant 'methane.'" -- Sars] T'Pol asks when the eruption's going to take place, and Capt. Avocado tells her it's "tomorrow." Predictably, Quantum asks if they can join in on the sacred fun. "It's your time to waste," Capt. Avocado snarks. Quantum puffs himself up even more and invites Capt. Avocado and his religious cargo to visit Enterprise. "I'll ask them if they're interested. I prefer to stay with my ship," Capt. Avocado responds. "I understand, mister --?" Quantum prompts. "Fraddock, Captain Fraddock," Capt. Avocado says, and bleeps off-screen. "Looks like we might be having guests," Quantum smirks to his crew. "Tell Chef to prepare...something." Yes, prepare the guest rooms, and instruct the aliens not to eat the decorative hand soaps.
Before the series started, I was truly excited about this new set. It was new. It was different. Now it's blah. Monotonous. And seriously subject to getting on my nerves, which, by this point, have already been stretched, salted, and left to dry in the sun. I'll bet I never would have noticed how bored out of my gourd I am by the set if the acting hadn't been as enthralling as an actuary at an actuarially-themed cocktail party. All that's left to me now is getting legless on Post Road Pumpkin Ale brewed in Utica, NY.