Provenance

Previously on The X-Files: Scully found the word of God written on a spaceship in Africa. Also, her baby is, apparently, a telekinetic Super Solider. She's scared. Mulder is still at the store.

Previously on The Young and the Plastic: the Scully action figure mysteriously disappeared. The Mulder action figure found a note scribbled on a gum wrapper.

We open in the middle of the woods in middle of the night. According to the time/date stamp, this is the Canada/U.S. border in Burke County, North Dakota, though it looks like Central California to me. But what do I know? The camera pans across tree after tree, finally coming to rest at a squad car parked behind a bunch of bushes. The Sad Oboe of I Only Have Ten More Episodes in Which to Make Fun of Mark Snow wails in the background. The border patrol sit in the dark and scan the quiet landscape and yammer that they're freezing their asses off. One of them looks through a pair of night-vision goggles, eventually catching sight of something moving in the distance. There's a loud "twong!" on the soundtrack as Cop One yelps and passes the goggles to Cop Two, who confirms that it's some dude on a motorcycle. Cop One fires up the old Dodge, and they give chase. Those wacky Canadians! The poor guy is probably just darting over the border to go to Old Navy, or something. I hear that my neighbors to the north are peace-loving people, many of whom like hockey. And I hope this episode investigates those assumptions by portraying, like, a violent Canadian who hates hockey and never uses the word "eh." Isn't it time to break the bonds of stereotyping, people? So, much chasing ensues, with the Border-Crossing Biker doing a whole lot of concerned glancing over his shoulder and revving of his engine. The cops chase him all the way to the edge of a ravine, and he just goes right over, all Evel Knievel-style, finally landing at the bottom of a gully in a giant ball of fire. The border patrol guys screech to a halt, pile out of their car, and stare blankly into the canyon. The camera swoops down among the flames and focuses on some papers spilling out of the Border-Crossing Biker's Backpack. Why, would you look at that! That's not algebra homework. In fact, it looks just like the rubbings Scully took of the writings on the outside of that spaceship she found in Africa a million years ago. Mystical Navajo-y music chortles on the soundtrack as we go to the credits.

FBI Headquarters. Scully walks into...someone's anterior office. It's not Skinner's, since she's not chatting up a woman who looks exactly like her. "He's expecting me," she tells the non-lookalike assistant. "They're all waiting for you," the assistant says, and nods toward the door. Scully makes an "oh, shit," face and enters...Kersh's office. I really feel for Kersh's poor assistant (let's call her Suzy). I'm sure her whole life is like, "Suzy, I need the expense reports right now," and "I need some more coffee when you get half a second, Suzy."

Scully finds an inordinate number of men waiting for her in Kersh's office. There's the man himself, of course, and Skinner. Dread Pirate Brad sits in the corner. DPB has hit the Miss Clairol, and hard. His hair is now a dull brown color, and instead of being plastered to his skull as per usual, it's all fluffy and pompadoured. I suspect one of the hairdressers has a little crush on Cary Elwes, and has concocted a new, time-intensive coiffure so as to keep him in the chair as long as possible so she can regale him with clever little stories and lean over and flash him her cleavage "accidentally." There are a bunch of other suits lolling around Kersh's office, too, including CSM's long lost brother, Toothpick-Chewing Man. Scully looks around and makes an even more exaggerated face of irritation. "Sorry to keep you waiting," she mutters. Kersh tells her to take a seat. "May I ask what this is about?" she asks, standing. Kersh repeats that she ought to take a seat. Scully smiles tightly and sinks into the chair in front of his desk. Someone closes the door.

DPB makes a triumphant return to his quest to create the most unusual amalgamation of British and American accents, and tells Scully that "Deputy Directeeeeer Kersh" has "ausked" her in because he'd like her to answer just a few little questions. Skinner stares at Scully intently as Kersh removes a large plastic baggie from his desk. It's full of pot...I mean, "the rubbings from the opening scene." "Do you know what this is?" Kersh asks. You can tell from the look on her face that Scully does, but she lies. "Should I?" Scully asks. "It's a simple question, Agent Scully. Do you know what this is?" DPB asks, peering in at her. TCM stares at her and gnaws at his toothpick. Scully takes the baggie and examines it blankly. "I'm not sure," she says. "But you've seen it before?" Kersh spits. Scully shoots him a mini-eyebrow and wonders if she's "under suspicion." DPB wanders around Kersh's desk, shrugging. "Assistant Directeeer Skinneeeer" told them that she might be able to ID it, he says. Skinner shoots Scully yet another inscrutable look. "You once worked on the X-Files," DPB reminds her. Scully's like, "Really? Because I forgot all about that. Excuse me, I'm meeting my sister for lunch." Actually, she snippily asks why DPB doesn't ask someone who's still working on the X-Files, in that case. "Because we're asking you," DPB responds. Everyone stares at everyone. "Where did you get those?" Scully finally asks. "They were found during an illegal border crossing in North Dakota. Canada to the U.S.," Kersh grits. Scully nods and asks who was doing the crossing. DPB snaps that they're the ones asking the questions. Kersh shoots him a quick glare. "What [DPB] is saying, Agent Scully, is that your cooperation is important to us," Kersh says. Scully mutters that she would be happy to cooperate. "I just wish you'd tell me who or what you are investigating," she says pointedly.

Basement level. The elevator dings open and Scully storms out and into the LBO. "Were you called about this? Did AD Follmer come down here?" she asks, stomping over to a file cabinet and rustling through the papers. Moronica and Doggett stare at her in silence for a moment. "Brad Follmer?" Moronica finally asks. No, Moronica. His sister, Kitty Follmer, the renowned interior decorator. Scully thinks the LBO needs a spot of chintz. Scully mutters something about DPB "going through the X-Files." Doggett doubts that DPB even knows where their office is. Despite the fact that DPB has made a series of snide "have fun in the basement"-type comments in the past. Finally, Scully emerges from the files and flips through a folder, looking thoughtful and sort of pissed. Moronica wonders what Scully's looking for. "These!" Scully says, pulling out one of her original rubbings from the African Spacecraft of Season Whatever That Was. Seven? Sure. Let's go with seven. Whatever. She runs down that whole storyline (sort of) for Doggett's and Moronica's benefit, and mentions that this morning she was shown an exact copy of one of her own rubbings. And she was asked to ID it! "What did you tell them about these?" Moronica asks. Sloooooowly. As is her wont. "Nothing," Scully says. "And what aren't you telling us?" Moronica asks. "That they're powerful," Scully finally admits. Doggett is skeptical. We knew that. "They're not just marks, Agent Doggett," Scully says. "It's writing. Words. Powerful words." And she thinks that because if the muckety-mucks are keeping this investigation secret, they must know that the words are powerful, too. And yet another scene ends with people Staring Meaningfully at each other.

Burke County. Crash site. Daytime. Doggett drives his Sensible Rental Car up onto the grass and into a gaggle of Feds, all of whom hem and haw and take twenty minutes to direct him to the agent in charge: DPB. Doggett stomps over to DPB, who's very busy directing underlings and making smarmy faces and thinking about how pretty he is. "Agent Doggett," DPB says coldly when he finally sees him. DPB doesn't recall asking for Doggett's help, he says. Doggett snips that he's the only agent in the Bureau who wasn't asked, judging from the look of things. "What's the big attraction?" he asks. DPB explains patronizingly that they're "endeavoring to learn" what exactly happened with the Border-Crossing Biker. "Was he carrying anything interesting?" Doggett asks pointedly. "Like what, for example?" DPB smarms, equally pointedly. "I don't know," Doggett says, getting all up in DPB's grill. "Like something you'd find in an X-File." DPB cocks a girly brow and says that Doggett's come a long way for nothing. Doggett wonders why he's got the whole wide world out there, then, if it's all for nothing. DPB's all, excuse me? Robert Patrick's teeth look horrible in this scene, like he ate a particularly moist chocolate cupcake before they started filming this scene. His top teeth look fine, but his bottom teeth are all...yucky. Anyway, Doggett wonders what they're all snooping around for, if the Border Crossing Biker is dead and all. Or is he? And DPB is all, of course he's dead, hellooooo? And Doggett is all, well, have you found the body? "We will, Agent Doggett. As you've seen, I've got the cavalry out here." Doggett grins ruefully and shakes his head. DPB snippily wonders if Doggett thinks something is funny. Doggett just shrugs and says that "a dead guy getting up and running away happens everyday. At least on the X-Files." DPB huffs and puffs and simpers that this case has nothing to do with him or the X-Files and that Doggett had better keep his nose out of it or he will live to regret it! DPB is like a eleven-year-old girl trapped in the body of a rapidly aging pretty-boy. Doggett stomps off.

Canadian -- or North Dakotan, who knows? -- underbrush. The Border-Crossing Biker drags himself out from under a bush. He's burned to a crisp, but he's alive. And it's Buck from Band of Brothers! Buck! Sweet Buck! Sweet, got shot in the ass, cracked up, recovered, used to play quarterback for UCLA, ended up Los Angeles district attorney, my boyfriend, Buck! He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little piece of spaceship, curling his fingers around it and squeezing until the blistered and blackened skin disappears and is replaced by perfectly normal epidermis. Oh, so the spaceship cures people? Did it always do that? I can't remember if the spaceship cured Mulder's Crazy Insanity or caused it. Whatever. La la la la. "It cured me," the Mulder action figure mutters. "I think it cured me. Whatever. What does this mean to you?" he asks, shoving the Dentyne wrapper note under my nose. It smells like cinnamon. He takes the note back and studies it carefully. "'I have something you need,'" he reads. "What does that mean? Scuuuuulllllly! Scuuuuuuulllllly!"

Moronica's Palace of Ambiguous Sexuality. Moronica opens the door to reveal Scully, who's swung by at Moronica's invitation. Moronica looks teary-eyed. Here we go again, with the ladylike bawling and sobbing. She's been looking over the African Spaceship files, she says, turning and pointing to her living-room floor, where piece after piece of paper has been laid out like some kind of administrative jigsaw puzzle. The girls kneel in front of the papers. "You didn't tell us you knew what they said," Moronica says slowly. Scully's also teary-eyed and sniffling as she explains that she had the help of an interpreter. Was that Albert Hosteen? I miss old Hosteen. Sometimes, you just need an old Indian man to tell you what to do with your life. In case we all forgot, Scully and Moronica discuss the fact that the African spaceship was covered with writings from the Bible, the Koran, and "religions around the world," as well as the periodic table of elements and other scientific mumbo-jumbo. Both girls are whispering and crying and staring intently into each other's eyes. "Do you know what it is you're saying, here?" Moronica asks, nodding toward the piles of paper. Scully nods. "If it were true, these symbols won't just be words," Moronica continues. "They'd be the very word of God. On the surface of an alien space craft." She ever so slowly raises a brow. Scully mirrors this with her own eyebrow and snuffles and agrees that "it'd mean that everything mankind believes in is in question." She admits that she didn't believe it right at the get-go. "I mean, I refused to believe it. But now...I think...I think there may be answers there," she says. "Answers to what?" Monica asks. Oh, hell. I just called her "Monica," didn't I? I guess maybe I don't hate her as much anymore. But I hate giving up on the hate. Some days, the hate is all I have! I will not abandon the hate! Scully briefly looks at the carpet. "Answers about my son," she says. "I know how that sounds. I have no one else to say it to." They both sniff. "That I was meant to find these. Somehow. These were meant for me," Scully finishes. Moronica tilts her head and wonders why the FBI would keep something like this from Scully. "What do they want?" Moronica asks. Scully shakes her head. I have to admit it: it's nice that Scully finally has a regular female friend. And Moronica is, if nothing else, refreshingly non-judgmental, something a girl needs when she's got a PossiblyAlienTotallyTelekenticBaby at home, a honey who's on the run for mysterious reasons, and a really, really stupid mother.

FBI HQ. Skinner stomps out of his office to find Doggett waiting for him, sprawled across his leather sofa. In the dark. "Forget our extension? Or you just can't be bothered?" Doggett spits. Uh oh -- trouble in paradise. "Excuse me?" Skinner says. Apparently, Doggett's left message after message, and Skinner hasn't called him back. "What the hell is that all about?" Doggett asks. Man, where is the love? I think someone had a little spat with their boyfriend. Skinner sniffs that he's been "tied up." I'll just bet. Doggett pulls himself off the sofa and says that, according to the Skinman's phone log, he's returned every call except those originating from the basement office. Skinner rolls his eyes and shirtily reminds Doggett "who answers to whom around here." Doggett gets all up in Skinner's grill and yells that Skinner "owes [him] an answer," if not to Doggett, then certainly to Agent Scully. Skinner stares at Doggett, hard. "Are you ready for my answer, Agent Doggett?" he asks. "It's not an X-File." Doggett sputters something about the missing body and whatnot, but Skinner just glares at him, coldly informs him that he has no idea what he's talking about, and starts to leave. "I was out there!" Doggett yells. "Without my authorization!" Skinner yells back. Doggett flails his arms impotently. "Why are you keeping secrets?" he yells. "Why are you keeping quiet?" Oh man, this is breaking my heart. I really thought these two kids were going to make it. "Because I know things you don't, John," Skinner tells him from the doorway. "It's for your own good." He stares at Doggett for another moment, then walks off. Doggett thoughtfully stares at Skinner's retreating back, and glances at the door to the office behind him.

Chung chung to "Alberta Province, Canada." Isn't that like saying "California State, United States"? At any rate, the crazy Canadians have this big old tent set up in the middle of nowhere, concealing the excavation of what looks like a spaceship. Why, how very odd.

Meanwhile, Doggett is snooping through Skinner's desk, eventually emerging with the rubbings from the Canadian ship.

More digging. More bits of spaceship.

Moronica's bachelorette pad. Someone knocks frantically at her door. She scuttles out of bed in a teddy, throws on a maroon terry cloth robe, and lets Doggett inside her apartment. He's triumphantly waving a manila folder. "I got it," he crows. "Got what?" Moronica asks, sleepily. "What they're not telling us," Doggett says, leading her over to the sofa and opening the folder as she takes a seat. Turns out that Buck is an FBI agent. Moronica reads his file, and her mouth falls open. She once worked a case with him. "Company man. Straight as a ruler." Unlike the two of them. Buck was working undercover, Doggett explains. "Undercover doing what?" Moronica asks. Doggett isn't sure. "How did you get this?" Moronica taps the file. "I sort of got them on a loan," Doggett says, then tells Moronica that he's already called Scully and asked her to come over.