Existence

Dear Kim Manners,
I'm sorry I called you a woman in last week's recap. Rest assured, I am now well aware that you are a manly, manly, man's man. I will never doubt the existence of your penis again. Please stop calling me.

Dear David Duchovny,
I know I called you an ass. And a bastard (albeit a magnificent one). And some other choice words. But that was a long time ago. I think I've more than made up for it, especially, you know, the other night. Please, don't leave me. Have you seen the chuckleheads they're sticking me with season? I'll do anything.

Dear Robert Patrick,
I wasn't talking about you. How many times do I have to tell you that you've grown on me before you believe me? Maybe you ought to see someone about this low self-esteem thing. Seriously.

Dear Action Figures,
I don't know what else you expect from me. For the umpteenth time, I had no idea you were trapped between the bookcase and the desk. Is there any way we can put this behind us and move on? By the way, I really didn't appreciate that little stunt you played last night. Do you know how hard it is to get ink out of cashmere? Shape up, or you're going on eBay. I mean it.

Dear Chris Carter,
Bring it.

More parental freaking discretion is advised. Is it weird that I'm nervous about this episode? Because I am nervous. And I don't know why.

Previously on The X-Files: Billy Miles went on a rampage, taking off people's heads and throwing Mulder through a glass wall; Krycek told everyone that Billy Miles was an "alien replicant" and "virtually unstoppable"; Billy Miles bent over and showed off a weird series of bumps on his neck; Doggett and Noel stood in the rain in the park and Noel admitted that "this is a whole other level"; Mulder told Scully that she's the one in danger; Krycek exposited that "they" want Scully's baby because it's "a miracle"; people on the forums wanted to have sex with Krycek because he's always sweaty; Mulder got Doggett to ask Moronica to drive Scully out of town and into hiding; Mulder saved Skinner's life by pushing Billy Miles into a garbage truck; Krycek told the gang that the world is full of alien replicants just like Billy Miles; Agent Crane turned out to be one of them; I fought bitterly and unceasingly with the action figures.

District Pathology Lab, Washington DC, 4:05 AM. See, I knew there was someone in Washington, other than Scully, who could perform an autopsy, and it's this guy. The Only Other Person in Washington, DC Capable of Performing an Autopsy wanders into the lab, yawning. A younger guy in scrubs wheels a metal gurney into the lab. There's an oblong metal box on top of the gurney. "Here's the body," Scrubs chirps. He's awfully cheerful for 4:05 in the morning. I would have been like, "Heresthebody; I'mgoingbacktobednow." Scrubs and TOOPIWDGCOPAA banter about the fact that the body is pretty much hamburger from being mashed in a garbage truck. In other words, that ground round? Billy Miles. Scrubs tells TOOPIWDGCOPAA that "they" want him to "establish fact of death." TOOPIWDCOPAA yawns that he's sure the hamburger is dead. He tells Scrubs to fill out the paperwork and fax it to him in the morning, and everyone will be happy. As he turns to go, TOOPIWDGCOPAA notices what he thinks is a piece of garbage in amongst the innards. Insert sick-making shot of Billy Miles's insides. TOOPIWDGCOPAA removes a metal object from the box. "It looks kinda like a vertebra," Scrubs says. "Only metallic." TOOPIWDGCOPAA and Scrubs look at the metal object for a moment, before TOOPIWDGCOPAA places it on the gurney and tells Scrubs to "make a note of it on the report." He leaves. See? This is why Scully always has to do her own damn autopsies. Everyone else does such a half-assed job of it. She'd be on the phone to Mulder about a metal vertebra in a box of guts in a hot second. Anyway, Scrubs puts lid back on the box Billy Miles is sleeping in, turns out the lights in the lab, and walks off, closing the door behind him. Shouldn't he put the guts back in the fridge? Because, damn, that's going to smell later. You know, theoretically. In the darkness of the lab, the metal vertebra sits neatly on the gurney for a moment, and then begins to spin. When it stops spinning, there are two more vertebra attached. It begins to spin again. And it multiplies again. And again. And again. Billy Miles regenerates himself right into the credits.

Middle of Nowhere, USA. Moronica's behind the wheel of the product-placed Sensible Car Complete With Sunroof (the license plate, by the way, reads 42 BIEK, not LZ BIEN as reported on the forums). Scully sleeps with her head against the window. After a moment, she opens her eyes and looks groggily first out the window and then at Moronica. "I was hoping this was all a dream," she says. Moronica just looks at her. "When did the sun come up?" Scully asks. About six hours ago. In North Carolina. ["Um, Scully's hugely pregnant. She would have awakened with the need to pee at least once in six hours, if not twice or more." -- Wing Chun] Moronica tells Scully -- and us -- that they're somewhere in Georgia. "Long way from home, Agent Scully," Moronica says. Scully leans back against the headrest. "Under the circumstances," she comments wearily. Moronica nods. "Right," she says, and inwardly berates herself for telling someone who'd been abducted by aliens (twice!) that Georgia was far from anywhere. "We can't be too safe," Moronica continues, nodding solemnly and pursing her lips. Scully examines her face. "Are you all right, Agent Reyes?" she asks. Moronica indicates that she's fine; the person who should be answering that question is Scully, after all. Scully sort of peers at Moronica before figuring out that Moronica is nervous about delivering the NotAlienMiracleBaby. "I've never delivered a baby before," Moronica admits nervously, looking at Scully as though she's afraid Scully's going to smack her or something. Scully wearily smiles and reminds Moronica that she's never had a baby, so, that "makes two of [them]." Moronica smiles wanly. The two agents purse their respective lips and look out the window at the barren landscape. Whoops, there's that word again.

Back at the FBI, a frustrated and strung-out-looking Mulder shows Doggett and Skinner a "video-catch" photograph of Billy Miles in scrubs, strolling -- complete as you please -- right out of the morgue. Doggett gruffs that that's impossible. Mulder is all, yeah, but it's true. "We took him to the morgue in a box," Doggett sputters. "Like I told you," Krycek pipes up from his perch on the sofa behind them, "you can't stop them." Skinner, Doggett, and Krycek turn and shoot him a dirty look. Skinner sternly advises Krycek to stop saying that and start explaining what he means, because Skinner is having a real hard time understanding how Billy Miles could be alive after being crushed in a trash compactor. Behind him, Doggett and Mulder cross their respective arms and stare at Krycek, who comments that he can't explain it "technically." Skinner yells that Krycek is sitting there alive precisely because he can explain it. Krycek flutters his lashes and repeats that Billy Miles is a "new kind of alien," brought here to earth to "aid in the repopulation of the planet." Repopulation with what? Aliens? Does that mean that the aliens used to be here, or are the aliens planing to wipe out the humans and then repopulate the earth with their own kind? Have we already learned that, and I just forgot? How does the writing staff at 1013 keep track off all this? Or do they? Mulder asks whether Scully is a threat to that repopulation. "If she has that baby," Krycek says. Mulder looks wicked pissed. Doggett angrily uncrosses and recrosses his arms. "I don't care what he's made of," Doggett drawls. "There's no way he's going to find her. No way." Krycek slowly turns his gaze to Doggett. "Maybe not," he admits, "but there are others out there just like him." Skinner glares at Krycek, and then looks Mulder, who looks at his feet. "It's only a matter of time before they will," Krycek finishes. Stares all around. Agent "Alien" Crane sticks his head in the room and asks to speak to Doggett.

The someone to see Doggett is, according to Crane, "Noel Roar," and I am highly gratified to learn that "Noel" is his first name, and my spelling it like that might not be totally wrong. Although, as you know, if it is, I don't care. As for his last name, I'm not even going to try. It's probably, like, Rhorght or something. "He says you know each other, and what he's here for can't wait," Crane monotones. Doggett sort of nods.

Moronica and Scully arrive in Bethlehem, but there is no room at the inn and they have to sleep in the barn. Okay, not exactly, but close enough. Moronica parks the car in the middle of a dirt road in a deserted town. "If anybody finds us out here, it really will be a miracle," Scully says, holding the small of her of back. Mark Snows cues up Mystical Jesus music. "Where are we, anyway?" Scully wonders. "Democrat Hot Springs," Moronica tells her. "Agent Doggett was born here." Scully makes an interested face. "That's...comforting. I guess." Scully says unconvincingly before asking Moronica where they ought to set up housekeeping. "Over here," Moronica says, taking out her flashlight and leading Scully to what looks like an abandoned storefront. Why? "I think I told you I feel these energies about people and stuff and places. I find it works best to go with my instincts," Moronica continues. We can't see Scully's face in the darkness, but I bet you dollars to donuts that she looks skeptical. The window of the storefront is adorned with chipping paint, which reads "Water from the Rock, Exodus 7:16." I'm a bit confused about the Biblical reference, because the "water from the rock" passage is from Nehemiah 9:15, and reads:

And gavest them bread from heaven for their hunger, and broughtest forth water for them out of the rock for their thirst, and promisedst them that they should go in to possess the land which thou hadst sworn to give them.

Whereas Exodus 7:16 is:

And thou shalt say unto him, The Lord God of the Hebrews hath sent me unto thee, saying, Let my people go, that they may serve me in the wilderness: and, behold, hitherto thou wouldest not hear.

Both of which are vaguely symbolic in the context of this story arc, as far as I have it figured out, which isn't very far, in terms of the fact that the water-from-the-rock thing is sort of your basic miracle story, and the baby is all miraculous and shit, and the Exodus passage makes sense in that Scully and Moronica have taken a bit of an Exodus themselves, and so, perhaps, have the aliens, and maybe the human replicant aliens are enslaved and the baby has been sent to release them from their de facto slavery under the hands of the overlord aliens? Hey, that actually makes some kind of crazy sense. Like, the baby is Moses, not Jesus, even though Chris Carter is obviously ripping off the Jesus story with this whole virgin birth/born in a barn analogy. But those two specific passages don't have much to do with one another, as far as I know. On the other hand, I'm not a Biblical scholar, so I could be wrong. On the other other hand, I don't think Chris Carter is much of a Biblical scholar, either, and nothing shows that more clearly than this current plot line. I beg you, writers, if you're going to steal from the Bible -- and there's nothing wrong with that, because writers do it all the time -- at least read the Bible first so you rip it off correctly. Anyway, underneath this Biblical message is a quaint little painting of Jesus holding up his hand in a blessing. Anvils, anvils, everywhere, and not a drop to drink, except for this cold, frosty brew in my hand.

Moronica and Scully enter the store, finding it dank and dusty and generally abandoned-looking. The Magical Mystery Jesus Tour Music cranks up on the soundtrack. The women wander around investigating the joint, which apparently, among its other attractions, has no running water. Scully looks around and lists off all the things they need, but don't have, including running water and sterile supplies. Doesn't Moronica's car (which I think is a Bureau Car, since she got it from Doggett) have a first-aid kit in it, and some bottled water? People, always have supplies in your car. You never know when you're going to have to run from crazy unstoppable aliens who are trying to steal your NotAlienMiracleBaby. "I'm a little stiff from the drive," Moronica shares, and wanders outside, leaving Scully to wonder how the hell she's supposed to have a baby in that filthy joint.

Outside, Moronica lights a cigarette and inhales guiltily. Looking up, she sees a blue light shining brightly in the north sky. Is it an alien ship, acting like the star in the Bible, guiding the alien replicants/shepherds to the storefront/barn where the Virgin Scully is getting set to birth her baby? Or is it a star exactly like the one in the Bible (in other words, placed there by God), serving to guide someone else to Scully's side? Or is it just a very slow-moving airplane? Moronica looks thoughtful. Do you think it's possible that she could be evil, and she's under the thrall of this alien/ star/ light/ airplane, and she's going to steal the baby? Wouldn't that be an exciting plot twist?

FBI HQ. Noel and Doggett confab. "It's about this thing you're pursuing," Noel says stiffly. "This thing?" Doggett parrots. "This man you're after," Noel clarifies. Doggett puts his hands in his pockets. "I think I'm confused, Noel," Doggett snarks. "If it's a man or if it's a thing?" Have I mentioned that Doggett has totally grown on me? I lurve him now. Have I also mentioned that it's possible to like Doggett and Mulder simultaneously? Because it is, and I do. Just open your heart. Open your heart to Doggett. And slam your heart's front door in Moronica's face. "It's military, John -- goes all the way to the top. I can't overstate the sensitivity," Noel says. He got a haircut since his little run-in with Doggett and Skinner at the park. Doggett and Noel stare at each other. "Let me say there was a rumored program out of the Cold War. A plan to create a super-soldier," Noel continues. Doggett looks off to the side, and sarcastically calls Billy Miles "pretty damn super." By the way, Noel? A big fat liar. I wonder whether he thought of this super-solider line in the elevator on his way up to see Doggett, or if it dates all the way back to his morning shower. Billy Miles, according to Doggett, "got right up out of a gut bucket and hit the ground running." I am so using that line. "I can't come into work this morning: I feel like I got right up out of a gut bucket and hit the ground running." Doggett continues, saying that Billy Miles wasn't exactly what he would call military material and mentions that teeny fact about how Billy Miles is allegedly an alien abductee. Stare. Stare. "You got it half right, John," Noel says. According to the totally unreliable and false-fact-feeding Noel, Billy Miles is a "prototype." Doggett unconvincingly mmhmms and asks Noel what Billy Miles is after. "Oh, I think you know that, too, John," Noel says robotically. "He's after your partner, Scully." Doggett sets his jaw. Noel explains that Scully was part of "a program" as well. Six years ago, he says, she was taken in a military operation staged as an abduction. They put a chip in the back of her neck to monitor her -- a chip that was also used to make her pregnant with the first organic version of this super trooper. Okay, we know this isn't true, because Noel is a liar, but it's not a very well thought-out lie. First of all, how stupid would the government have to be to abduct and chipify the partner of a man who's made it his life's work to uncover shady and supernatural government behavior? Also, if this is true, why were the babies of the other abductees, like Anne Shirley, alien? Why would the government make the super-soliders look like aliens? Are they part aliens? Why am I worried so much about a red herring? Because I firmly believe that if you're going to lie to me -- and everybody lies sometimes -- please do me the courtesy of concocting a good, airtight lie that doesn't insult my intelligence. Anyway. Noel and Doggett stare some more. Doggett snorts. "What do you want from me?" he asks. "Help us catch him so we can put him down before he finds her," Noel asks, so unconvincingly. "What makes you think I know where she is?" Doggett wonders with studied casualness. Noel jumps on this and asks Doggett whether Skinner knows where she is. They stare at each other. "Whoever knows, his life's in danger, too," Noel says, almost smiling at Doggett. Doggett gulps.

Out in the hallway, violins twinkle as Mulder waits for the elevator, which is taking forever. He huffs in frustration and takes the stairs. When the elevator doors finally open, Billy Miles gets out. Crisis averted!

Skinner's office. Krycek peels himself off the sofa and walks toward the door. "Sit down, Krycek," Skinner barks. Krycek stops near the door and tosses an empty soda can in the trash. He then turns and stomps out the other door, slamming it behind him. "Hey!" Skinner hollers after Krycek. Skinner's getting out of his chair as Billy Miles enters the office and chops his head off. Just checking to make sure you were paying attention. Wouldn't that have been awful? Actually, Skinner just runs out of the room.

Ding! Krycek strolls into the elevator. Skinner, in the hallway, frantically calls for him to hold the door. Krycek ignores him, but Skinner manages to fling his hands through the closing doors just in the nick of time, and forces himself inside. Once safely in the elevator, Skinner gives Krycek an incredibly dirty look. Krycek looks back blankly. They're still staring at each other when Billy Miles's Amazing Hand of Evil Evilness pounds through the door, smacking Skinner right in the noggin. Skinner goes down. The elevator begins to descend; as it does, Billy Miles's hand slices through the metal door up to the ceiling. The elevator stops momentarily as Billy Miles's arm is wedged between the ceiling of the elevator and the floor of the storey (get it?). He wiggles it out, and the elevator jerks downward. Krycek looks slightly shocked.

Hospital. Skinner, unconscious, with a piece of gauze on his head. Mulder stands over his bed, thinking that he's always standing over someone's bed, feeling guilty about something and wondering why he didn't become an accountant, or a copywriter, or a bricklayer, or an English teacher instead of getting into a profession wherein he ended up getting his own reserved parking spot at the hospital. "Mooouuulder?" Doggett pops up behind Mulder. Mulder pats Skinner on the arm and follows his successor into the hallway. "You heard about this, right?" Mulder asks. Doggett looks ashen. "How is he?" He has a concussion. "Where were you when this all happened?" Mulder asks. Doggett looks guilty. He tells Mulder that he was warned this might happen. Mulder asks who warned him. Doggett sighs and looks away. Oh, the conflict! "Skinner could have been killed; he's lucky he wasn't," Mulder reminds him. Doggett sighs again, and tells Mulder that his informant is "an old friend. Tells [him] stuff [he's] not supposed to know. [Doggett] didn't want to believe it." Doggett fills Mulder in on the whole Super Trooper Lie, closing by telling him that Scully's pregnancy was triggered by a chip "they" put in her neck. Mulder's face gets whiter than it already was. He wants the name of Doggett's informant. Doggett makes another guilty and conflicted face, but he gives up the name. "He's deep inside U.S. Intelligence; I don't know much more than that," he says. Mulder is all up in Doggett's grill -- not meanly, but because he's scared. "Did he ever lie to you?" Mulder asks. Doggett looks thoughtful. "You have to think about it?" Mulder wonders. Doggett sighs and wonders whether what Noel wants is so very much different than what they want: to save Scully. "You didn't tell him where she was, did you?" Mulder snaps. "No, but I'm beginning to think that what I know is going to catch up with me, if AD Skinner is any indication," Doggett admits. Mulder is very close to totally freaking out. "You don't tell anybody where she is! That's the deal, right? Not even me!" Doggett stares at him. "What if something happens to me?" he wonders. Mulder sighs and looks away. He asks Doggett whether Noel told him how to tell stop Billy Miles? "No," Doggett admits. "Then let's go find out how trustworthy he really is," Mulder suggests. They walk off together.

Outside, Moronica gets water from an old cistern pump. She stares at the light in the sky and looks thoughtful. Someone creeps up behind her, grabs her by the neck, and throws her, hard, against a wall. It's Billy Miles. Moronica sprawls against the wall as Billy Miles approaches, menacingly. She grasps a pitchfork, conveniently within reach, and brandishes it in his face. They're having a staring contest when Law Lady comes around the corner and fills Billy Miles with bullets.

Moronica and Law Lady drag Billy Miles back to the Inn, where Scully is waiting for them. She immediately sees who the victim is, and blanches. "Dana, it's okay, he's dead," Moronica says. "No, it's not okay," Scully says. "What do you mean?" Moronica looks at her pleadingly. "What I said. Go inside," Moronica says quietly. "They said he couldn't be stopped," Scully breathes. "Dana," Moronica begins. "Stop calling me 'DANA'!" the Scully action figure screams at the television, and then looks over at me and allows herself a small smile. The two of them think they're so tough, but I think the eBay threat has scared the action figures into considering commuting my sentence. Moronica tells Scully that Billy Miles has no vitals. As the two agents bicker, Moronica notices the bumps on the back of Billy Miles' neck. "I do have to report this thing," Law Lady tells a stricken-looking Scully. "No, you can't do that," Scully breathes. Law Lady says she doesn't have a choice. Scully looks at them wide-eyed and announces that she just had a contraction.

Parking Garage. Noel gets out of Krycek's car. Doggett opens his own car door to trail him, and looks over at Mulder. "Go ahead, I got Krycek," Mulder says. "I'll bet you do," the world mutters.

So Doggett goes running up the stairs of the FBI, glancing down the hallway of each floor, looking for Noel. Finally, he gets to the top floor, finding nothing. Excellent camera work and editing in this scene, by the way. Doggett turns to go, hears the elevator ding, and ducks into a dark corner to watch Noel stride robotically down the hall. Noel enters an office. Doggett crouches in the darkness. The soundtrack here is going nuts with the Bongos of Impending Disaster and the Tympani of Professional Betrayal. Doggett peers into the window of the office Noel disappeared into and sees his erstwhile friend chatting up Agent Crane and someone else we can't see. Noel and Crane exit the office together, Doggett sliding almost to the floor to avoid detection. Once they're gone, he runs down the hall, ducks into the outer room of Skinner's office, picks up the phone, and starts to dial. "Agent Doggett?" Skinner calls from inside his office. Doggett goes inside and shuts the door behind him. "What are you doing here?" Doggett asks. Skinner crinkles his brow. "I just got out of the hospital. What are you doing here?" he responds. Doggett tells his lover that he and Mulder were in the parking garage, surveiling Krycek. "What the hell is Krycek doing here?" Skinner barks. Doggett picks up the phone to call Mulder.

In the parking garage, Mulder quietly answers his phone. Doggett informs him that Noel went upstairs to meet Crane. "How does he know Crane?" Mulder asks. "That's a damn good question; he doesn't," Doggett gruffs. Skinner picks up his extension. Ew, not like that. Mulder hypothesizes that Crane is the person who let Krycek, Noel, and Billy Miles into the building. "Agent Crane has been in on this with your friend, which means he's in on it with Krycek," Mulder wraps it up. "They've been in on it all along." In on what? Doggett wonders. "Fooling us, Agent Doggett. Into chasing Billy Miles. Into thinking we could save her," Mulder sentence-fragments. Doggett furrows his brow. "Scully?" he asks. Duh. Mulder thinks that Noel and his cronies know where Scully is hiding out. Doggett insists that he's the only person who knows where Scully is. Mulder blusters that Crane could have had the FBI phone lines tapped, and listened in on Doggett's conversation with Moronica. Skinner pipes up that Crane would have to had access to the "communications systems" in order to tap FBI phone lines. Mulder dismisses this, saying that "this could go even higher" than Crane, anyway. He begs Doggett to tell him where Scully is, so that he can go save her. Skinner hangs up his end of the line and puts his gun in his waistband. Doggett makes a tortured face. "Look, we can nail these guys here, we can put an end to it," Doggett says. Mulder reminds him that they've got no guarantee that Noel and Crane aren't aliens themselves. Doggett rubs his forehead and accepts this, telling Mulder that Scully is in "Northern Georgia -- a place called Democrat Hot Springs." As Doggett says this, Mulder looks up to see that Krycek's car is empty. Then his window is bashed in and a hand snatches his cell phone and throws it onto the asphalt, where it is ground under a menacing foot. "Mooulder!" Doggett yells on the other end.

The hand is, of course, attached to Krycek. He points a gun right in Mulder's face and orders him out of the car. Mulder looks tired and disgusted, but complies. "It doesn't seem fair, now. It doesn't seem right, coming down to this," Krycek says, pointing the gun at Mulder over the roof of Doggett's car. "What do you know about fair or right, Krycek? You're a coward," Mulder says calmly, loping around the car. "I could have killed you so many times, Mulder, you gotta know that," Krycek says pleadingly. "I'm the one who kept you alive. Praying you'd win, somehow." Mulder looks irritated. "Then there really is no God," Mulder says, walking closer to Krycek. Krycek shakes his head. "We wanted the same thing, brother, that's what you don't understand," he says shakily. Mulder corrects him, saying that Mulder wanted to "stop them," while Krycek wanted to "save [his] own ass." No, Krycek insists, he wanted to stop them, too; he tried to kill Scully's baby to stop them. "The tragedy is that you wouldn't let it go," he says. "That's why I have to do this. Because you know how deep it goes. Right into the FBI." Mulder just looks at him, willing him to keep talking, because he knows that Doggett heard his car window smash and that someone must be on his way to save him. "If you want to kill me, Alex, kill me," Mulder says calmly, "like you killed my father. Just don't insult me trying to make me understand." Krycek's hand wobbles around the body of the gun. He so very slowly begins to pull the trigger when...bang! He drops his gun and falls to the ground, holding his arm. Mulder flinches when the gun goes off, and turns to see a very pissed-looking Skinner blowing on his gun. On the pavement Krycek bleeds and pants, but tries to go for his gun. Skinner shoots him again, in his good arm. "Now I have no arms, you bastard!" Krycek shouts. Okay, he doesn't, but that would have been funny, no? Really, he just yelps and pushes his gun away with his fake arm and groans and moans and pants and writhes. Mulder watches. "It's going to take more bullets than you can ever fire to win this game," Krycek pants, Skinner still training his weapon on him. "One bullet, and I can give you a thousand lives," Krycek bargains. "Shoot Mulder." Mulder and Skinner look at each other. Krycek looks over at Mulder and is all of a sudden standing up, because when Skinner shoots him right between the eyes, he falls down. Dead. Skinner lowers his weapon. Mulder's all, whatever, and announces that he's heading to the airport to go rescue Scully. He mentions that he needs "that location" from Doggett. Skinner is staring down at Krycek's body. "Skinner, you with me?" Mulder asks. "Just go, I'll get it," Skinner gruffs. "I think we ought to leave the body here," Mulder says, "because every other time we've done that, it's worked out brilliantly." Actually, he just drives off. Skinner turns and leaves, his low crew neck and bald head hiding no alien replicant bumps whatsoever. And Krycek just sprawls there in a pool of his own red blood.

From their perch over at the bookshelf, my Mulder and Scully action figures look at each other and then at me. They sort of nod at each other and crawl off the shelf and onto the floor and make their way across the room and crawl up my legs and haul themselves onto my knee. It takes twenty-five minutes. "Krycek is dead?" the Mulder asks shakily. "As far as I know," I reply. "I didn't expect that to happen," the Scully says. "Life is so short," the Mulder sighs, his tiny puff of breath ruffling my arm hairs. He and the Scully exchange looks. "Can we watch the rest of the episode here?" she asks, patting my knee. And that's the story of how the action figures and I patched things up and I didn't have to sell them on eBay. Sometimes it takes the blood of a sweaty, sexy, mostly-evil operative to wash away the petty sins of a pair of action figures and a possibly delusional recapper.

"No Room at the" Inn. Scully's in full labor mode: sweaty, panting, cranky. Law Lady yadas something about how close Scully's contractions are, and how it's not going to be long now. As she leans in to check Scully's...you know, stuff (if this was ER, I'd say she was checking her dilation, but I'm sure Law Lady doesn't know from that sort of thing), Moronica notices that Law Lady's sporting the same bumps on the back of her neck that Billy Miles had. The "I'm an Alien" bumps. Moronica manages not to scream in terror and run out of the room.

FBI HQ. Doggett comes out of Skinner's office alone. I guess this entire section occurs simultaneously with Skinner shooting Krycek down in the garage; the timeline on this episode is a little confusing to me. Down the hall, the elevator door dings open, revealing Noel and Crane. Doggett draws his weapon and yells at them to stop -- that he's prepared to use force. They just keep coming. He turns tail and runs. Noel follows him into the stairwell, while Crane hops back into the elevator.

Doggett scampers down the stairs and into the hallway of the floor below. He runs smack into Skinner, and, basically embracing him, grabs him and pulls him down the hall. "Come on, come on," he shouts. They run.

Baby Barn. Moronica, looking thoughtful, pours Scully a nice glass of boiling hot water, and gives to Law Lady, who hands it off to the mother-to-be, who guzzles it. Law Lady takes her empty glass and turns to Moronica, who throws her entire bucket of hot water on Law Lady's face and then prods her outside with her shotgun. Scully, in labor, is perturbed.

"Who are you?" Moronica yells at Law Lady, who kneels on the porch, covering her face with her hands. Suddenly, a car pulls up the dirt road. Followed by another. And another. Soon, the clearing in front of the Birthin' Barn looks like the Rose Bowl parking lot before the UCLA/USC game. Full of cars, in other words. For those of you not familiar with college football. "This baby will be born," Law Lady grits, removing her hands from her face to reveal a bunch of aesthetically pleasing blood blisters. Billy Miles begins to push himself up off the ground. Moronica lowers her shotgun, looking shocked, and scared and amazed, all at the same time. "Agent Reyes!" Scully calls from the inside. Moronica puts on her brave face. Damn, it pains me to say this, but...good acting by Annabeth Gish. I know, I know.

FBI HQ. Skinner and Doggett run, run, run into the parking lot. "Blazer!" Skinner yelps. Oh, right, like Skinner hasn't had Doggett all sweaty and panting in the back -- wow, that was almost porn. I'm really sorry about that. I have no idea where they came from. Anyway, the two agents climb into Skinner's car, Skinner yelling at Doggett to call Mulder, which is, of course, a losing proposition, since Mulder's phone is toast. As Doggett attempts to reach Mulder, Skinner backs his car as far back against the garage wall as it will go. Crane and Noel come speeding into the lot, and split up. Skinner hits the gas. The Blazer speeds toward Crane and slams right into him, smashing the windshield. Doggett and Skinner both look over their shoulder to look for Crane's body, but he's holding onto the roof of the car and, in a moment, slams his hand through the passenger-side window.

Childbirth Chateau. "What's happening?" Scully pants. Moronica looks brave, but tearful. She tries to convince Scully that everything will be all right, but almost bursts into tears. It's not like the lie would have held up under the cross, anyway, since Billy Miles stalks into the Chateau, about a hundred other alien replicants filing in behind him. "What's happening?" Scully pants. Moronica looks resigned to the upcoming horror, but tries to act like everything will be fine. "Nooooo!" Scully keens. Like having a baby isn't undignified enough, without having hundreds of alien replicant people staring at your cha cha.

Parking Lot of Pain. Doggett is trying to push Crane off the car as Skinner speeds through the garage at a very high rate of speed. "Get him off!" Skinner yells. Doggett is all, what do you think I'm doing, Walter? Crane is using his one super-human hand to choke the hell out of poor Doggett. Behind them, Noel is in hot pursuit. In his car, not on foot. I mean, the replicants are fast, but not that fast.

NotAlienMiracleBaby Mansion. "This is my baby!" Scully yells to the assembled crowd. She looks like hell, and with good reason. "You gotta push, Dana," Moronica pleads. "Please don't let them take it," Scully whimpers. Poor Scully. Will nothing ever go right for this poor woman, ever?

FBI. Crane is still hanging onto the side of the Blazer. Noel calmly brings up the rear, driving about as fast as that car can possibly go.

"Come on, Dana, push," Moronica snaps. Scully moans. She's not happy at all, people.

Doggett is still grappling with Crane. Noel is still driving real fast.

"Please, don't let this happen," Scully moans. Billy Miles stares at her. "Dana, push," Moronica yells. Scully screams like something is splitting her in two, and bears down.

Speeding through the lot, Skinner suddenly veers to the left and scrapes against a pole, knocking Crane off onto the pavement. Skinner and Doggett speed off; Noel, chasing them, runs right over Crane. The Blazer slams through the access gate and into the street. Noel, still speeding, loses control of his car and smashes right into a wall. His car explodes in a fiery fireball of fire.

Scully's all pushing and whatnot. Moronica tells her to keep breathing. Scully sobs. She doesn't want the aliens to take her baby. She screams and screams and pushes and I am never having a baby. Especially in front of a bunch of strangers with weird growths, thanks. The aliens watch solemnly as a small cry fills the room. Scully sobs and sighs at the same time. We can't see the baby at all. Mark Snow kicks out the jams with the Music of Working in Mysterious Ways. The aliens watch. The baby cries. The Scully action figure tugs at my jeans. "Is the baby green?' she asks quietly.

A helicopter hovers outside the Miracle of Life Lounge. Mulder, inside the chopper, sees a clearing all lit up like a football field with the glow of the headlights of a hundred domestic cars, and directs the pilot to drop him off there. He bounds out of the helicopter before it even touches down. All the cars start pulling out of the clearing. Mulder begins starts frantically yelling Scully's name. He's banging on cars, asking the passengers to tell him where she is. He's in pretty bad shape. Frantic. Nuts. Totally freaking out. Moronica walks out to meet him. He runs to her. "How is she?" Moronica's expression is unreadable. "She's inside. She needs to get to a hospital." They exchange a long look. Mulder goes inside.

Kersh's office. Why didn't we get to see the Mulder/Scully Birth Day Reunion? Dammit! Anyway, Kersh is in full-on Type-A heart attack mode. "I'm to submit this report as quality investigative work? As actual fact?" Doggett calmly comments that he signed the report, didn't he? "Yeah, I see it John. And I see she signed it, too." He glares at a poker-faced Moronica. "An X-File. I'd like to know when you assigned yourself, Agent Reyes?" Moronica says that, actually, Doggett assigned her. "Agent Doggett cannot just assume the authority of this office," Kersh spits. Doggett stands up. "I assume it because this office is under investigation," he says. "For the late-night meeting between you, Agent Crane, and an intelligence operative named Noel Rrrororororor." Moronica stands up and tells Kersh that while both Noel and Crane were presumed dead, they are now missing "in actual fact," as opposed, I assume, to fictional fact. Stares all around. Then Doggett and Moronica just leave. And Kersh's head explodes. "You investigate what I tell you," he grits. Doggett turns back to look at Kersh. "And you put me on the X-Files," he reminds him. "That's what I'm investigating." And he closes the door.

House of Scully. Mulder lets himself in, using his keys. The Magical Jesus music twinkles in the background as he lopes toward Scully's bedroom. The Lone Gunmen are standing in Scully's room, bearing gifts. The shot is rather clever; we can't see Scully or the baby, and the Gunmen are lined up à la the three wise men. They turn to look at Mulder and all exchange quick looks. 1013 Productions give Joey Ramone a swift RIP with Langly's Ramones tee. "We just wanted to see it," Langly says as the Gunmen swiftly file out of Scully's bedroom. Byers exposits that Doggett never ended up reaching Mulder with the exact co-ordinates of Democrat Hot Springs; none of them understand how he reached Scully. Mulder smiles. "There was a light. I followed it," he says. The Gunmen exchange looks. "Guess we got our headline," Langly says. The Gunmen place their gifts on a nearby table and skedaddle.