Essence

The action figures and I had a bit of an unfortunate accident this afternoon. I was cleaning the apartment and I removed them from the top shelf of the bookcase, where they live, so I could dust. And in the middle of the dusting, the phone rang, and it was my friend C and we had a very illuminating discussion about why the stupid Survivor casting people haven't called us yet, and how, perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that neither of us were able to speak in complete sentences when we made our audition tapes. Then I hung up and I washed the dishes and had a bologna sandwich, and then I sat down to watch Part One of the Two-Part Season Finale of The X-Files, starring David Duchovny, and I looked up at the bookshelf and they were...gone. Not on the shelf. Not on the floor. Not on the desk by the bookshelf. Not on the little white table I rescued from the alley last week and painted myself. Nowhere. It was like they'd just...disappeared. Turns out they'd fallen into the crevice between the bookcase and my desk. When I finally fished them out, they were all covered in dust, and now they're not speaking to me, the little brats. They won't even sit on my knee to see The Season's Greatest Mystery Revealed. So, just to sum up, I have: no job; no boyfriend; no action-figure love. It's a damn sad state of affairs.

Due to some violent content, parental discretion is advised for this episode. This worries me; I've seen a lot of gore this season, but I haven't seen much of this whole parental-discretion folderol. It can't get any gorier, can it? Mommy, hold me.

So, you can tell that this episode was penned by Chris Carter, because it starts out with the Patented Chris Carter-Penned Voice-over, Full of Meaning and Portent, Spoken By The Long-Suffering and Virtuous...Mulder? Okay, what the hell, I can get behind that. Anyway, remember the Miracle of Life footage from the season premiere? It's back. But this time, it's all that stuff from the beginning, with little sperms driving pretty hard to the hoop, and then the sperm piercing the egg, and cells dividing and so on and so forth, miracle of life, yada. Behold the monologue, in its entirety:

What Mulder Says: We call it the miracle of life. Conception. The union of perfect opposites. Essence, transforming into existence. An act without which mankind would not exist, and humanity cease to exist. Or is this just nostalgia now? An act of biology commandeered by modern science and technology? Godlike, we extract, implant, inseminate. And we clone. But has our ingenuity rendered the miracle into a simple trick? In the artifice of replicating life, can we become the creator? Then, what of the soul? Can it, too, be replicated? Does it live in this matter we call DNA? Or is its placement the opposite of artifice, capable only by God? How did this child come to be? What set its heart beating? Is it the product of a union? Or the work of a divine hand, an answered prayer, a true miracle? Or is it a wonder of technology, the intervention of other hands? What do I tell this child about to be born? What do I tell Scully? What do I tell myself?

What Mulder Means: I have no idea what the hell is happening, either. Also, I might have had sex with Scully! Woo!

Cue up the credits. We only have to see these shitty new credits one more time this season!

Previously, on The X-Files: some guy tried to give the President a copy ofFight the Future, the X-Files movie; an alien ship starting dropping bodies into the woods; Doggett's friend Noel (and I'm going to keep spelling it like that, I don't care that I'm wrong) told him that the "invasion" had begun, and that "they're already here"; he's also an alien; Skinner and Doggett walked through the park together because they're in love; Billy Miles took a, oh, God, no, a skin shower, like, thanks for showing that again, Chris Carter, because I don't see it enough in my nightmares; he then became a "totally new man"; Scully had really, really fantastic hair while Duffy Haskill came and told her that evil doctors killed his wife Anne Shirley and stole their alien baby; Scully's ultrasound came back normal, according to her evil doctor; Duffy Haskill turned out to be in some kind of cahoots (evil cahoots!) with a place called Zeus Genetics (which has a room full of alien babies) and a Dr. Lev, who was partners with Scully's evil OB/GYN; Scully protectively touched her belly; Krycek asked Skinner to kill Scully's baby and Skinner told him he was out of his mind; Doggett sweetly told Scully that her baby was okay; Mulder and Scully stood in the sunlight with their foreheads pressed together and he told her never to give up on a miracle. And I'm tired now and I need to lie down.

House of Scully. Mama Scully is festooning the place with equal numbers of blue and pink balloons. "You know, it would be a whole lot easier for everyone if you would just tell us the sex, Dana," she hollers over her shoulder. I think she means it would be a lot easier if Dana told us about the sex. I mean, how is Scully explaining the parentage of her AlienMiracleBaby to Mama Scully? "I used a turkey baster, Ma." "It's miracle, Ma." "Ma, I had sex with Mulder." Scully irritably tells her mother she "can wait." She looks very pretty, all dressed up for what I assume is her baby shower, but the hair, people? The hair? Is so flat. It makes me want to cry. Mama Scully knows that the baby is a boy, anyway, she says, based on how Scully is carrying, and, really, I think they say if you carry the baby high, it's a boy, and Scully isn't carrying it all that high. My best friend from high school is having a baby, and they know it's a boy, and she's carrying it way higher than Scully is. So. Anyway, Scully just gives her mother a long look, which makes Mama Scully think that the baby actually is a boy and she makes a rapturous face, but Scully shoots a dismissive look at her from over at the sink. "It's the least you can tell your mother, considering everything else you're keeping secret," Mama Scully says, which, to me, means that Scully hasn't told her mother how she got knocked up.

Speaking of knocking, someone's at the door. Scully's rattled: the guests are early? But it's not a guest. It's Frances Fisher, whom Mama Scully has engaged to "help" them with the shower. "She's a very highly recommended baby nurse, by the way," Mama Scully says, patting an irritated-looking Scully on the shoulder as Frances Fisher sweeps into the kitchen to do some fake-helpful stuff. Highly recommended by whom? The National Council for Evil, Baby-Stealing, Mother-Killing Nurse Ladies? Because she's very obviously up to something. "Oh, Mom," Scully groans, holding the small of her back.

Shower. Where'd Scully get all these female friends? Did Mama Scully hire them? Because if Scully invited all of her friends to this shindig, the guest list would be Mulder, Skinner, Doggett, the Lone Gunmen, probably Moronica (because, remember, Scully "likes" her) and maybe that chick from last week who was helping her in the lab, and the baby would get, like, a tiny black leather jacket, and a laptop, a set of rappelling cords, maybe a microscope, a small handgun, and maybe some porn. And a goldfish or two. The women from Hire-A-Friend ooh and ah as Scully opens a package containing a little blue doll and a little pink doll. Have none of these women heard of the color green? Neutrals, ladies, neutrals. "This has got to be a conspiracy," Scully says, awkwardly attempting to sound cheerful while wondering who the hell these strange, pastel-clad women are. Everyone laughs half-heartedly. "Maybe it'll be twins!" a redheaded woman chirps from across the room, and I'm not sure, but I think she's the actress who's Gillian Anderson's stand-in, who also plays Skinner's secretary, and who is actually married to Mitch Pileggi in real life. Banter, banter, banter about the baby from all of these strange women none of us will ever see again. Someone spills her wine, and everyone squeals, but Handy Helpful Baby Killer Frances Fisher leans right in and cleans it all up in a jiff. Scully gives her mother a dirty look. "Just. Think. About. It," Mama Scully grits, in a tone I recognize from interaction with my own mother, although my mother rarely, if ever, attempts to convince me to hire a serial killer to wet-nurse my miraculous firstborn. Especially since I don't yet have a first born. Scully extends the life span of that dirty look.

Frances Fisher takes the soiled towel into Scully's bathroom, and tosses it into the hamper. A secretive, up-to-no-good look crosses her face, and she closes the bathroom door more tightly and starts riffling through Scully's medicine cabinet. And who among us has not opened the medicine cabinet at a strange house during a party at least once in our lives? But I've never -- hey, is that K-Y? Good going, Dana! That reminds me of a very funny story: when I was in college, my dorm room was right across from the women's restroom, which was very convenient. So, one night, I heard a loud squeal, and I stuck my head in there; it was my RA, who had accidentally spread K-Y jelly all over her toothbrush and stuck it in her mouth. Ah, good times. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. I've never done what Frances Fisher does. She takes a bottle of prescription drugs, dumps them into the toilet, and refills the bottle with pills from an envelope in her pocket. Now, we've been talking about the color of the pills on the forums, and I know it looks like one set is white and the other is blue, but in this scene, they look pretty much the same color. I think the blue/white thing is a just a trick of the lighting. Or is it?

FBI Evidence Lab. Agent "Never Seen Him Before" Crane sifts through charred evidence from the Zeus Genetics blaze. He's irritated that Doggett called him into the office on this crazy wild goose chase: he was at his kids' baseball game, for Pete's sake! Because he's as American as apple pie! He's all that's good and true in this world! He's like fireworks and hot dogs and chocolate cake and fried chicken (I'm hungry) all rolled into one! And he's still bitching when Mulder strolls in. Crane snips that Mulder must have put Doggett up to weekend duty. "You don't have to answer to him, you know," he prisses. "He's out of the Bureau now." Doggett's all, whatever. Is Crane Doggett's new partner? Did I sleep through an episode where we established that? Anyway, Doggett strolls over to Mulder, who tells him that Dr. Lev is missing. And he probably got all burned up. Doggett wonders what, exactly, they're looking for in all this burned-up stuff. Mulder: blah X-Files blah. Doggett grouses that Mulder is wasting Doggett's wild weekend of gun-cleaning and race-watching. "And Skinner was coming over later. To...uhhh...help me...with...my gun." Mulder doesn't hear this slip (because I made it up), and asks Doggett whether he knew that the co-founder of Zeus Genetics was Dr. Parenti, Scully's erstwhile obstetrician. Doggett's all, dude! Mulder's all, I think we ought to pay the illustrious doctor a visit.

Parenti Medical. 11:47AM. The office is deserted, which makes sense on a Saturday morning. Mulder jimmies the lock and he and Doggett creep inside. Doggett: we better not get caught. Mulder: we're not doing anything wrong. Jessica: other than breaking and entering. They split up to suss out the sitch. Man, these are two good-looking, tight-jeans-clad men. A show, featuring these two, in these jeans, crawling around, doing stuff? I would watch that show. Doggett slowly opens the door to Parenti's very own Dead Alien Babies in Jars room. "Hey, Mooooulder?" he calls. Mulder, in another room, starts to head for Doggett, but he's interrupted when Parenti himself opens a door almost right into him. In the room behind the good doctor, a young woman sits up in the stirrups and covers herself. "What are you doing here?" Mulder asks. "What are you doing here? I'm in the middle of very delicate medical procedure!" Parenti snits. Mid-snit, Doggett sticks his head of the Dead Alien Babies in Jars room. "This delicate medical procedure? Did it have anything to do with this?" he asks, gesturing over his shoulder.

The three of them charge into the Dead Alien Babies in Jars room. Doggett makes a disgusted face, while Mulder just looks around, upset. It's kind of interesting how they both react so emotionally to the Dead Alien Babies in Jars, while Scully just looked intrigued from a scientific standpoint. I know she's, you know, the science-y one, but she's also the one who got knocked up under suspicious circumstances. You think she'd at least begin to put two and two together, but Scully's mathematical abilities seem to have abandoned her along with her waistline. Parenti demands that they leave. "What is this, some kind of showroom?" Mulder spits. Parenti sputters that he's working to prevent the birth defects they see in those jars. Doggett and Mulder look skeptical. "Does that work include experimentation with alien embryos? Work that you would destroy to cover up such allegations?" Mulder grits. Parenti wonders where the two of them are getting such crazy ideas. "From Scully," Mulder says. Parenti irritably wonders why, if Mulder's suspicions are true, Scully's baby is all hunky-dory and fancy-free? "Is it?" Mulder asks. Everyone stares at each other. Then Mulder and Doggett leave, Mulder shooting Parenti one last dirty look.

House of Scully. Mother Superior herself takes a phony pill, as Frances Fisher sticks her head in the bathroom and watches her swallow. "I'm leaving," she chirps. "Your (probably poisoned) dinner is in the oven." She smiles and expresses her wish that their little set-up works out, especially since it's so important to Mama Scully. Scully expresses wan appreciation. Frances Fisher nods perkily and leaves.

Outside House of Scully, Frances Fisher is picked up by none other than Duffy Haskill! They Stare at each other Meaningfully before she tells him that she's pretty sure Scully trusts her. And why shouldn't Scully trust her? She's never been screwed over by someone she trusted before! "Good," Duffy Haskill says gravely. "We're almost at the end." Frances Fisher makes a conflicted face. How much of a threat is someone named Duffy, after all?

FBI Evidence Analysis Center. 8:22 PM. Enter Mulder. Doggett escapes Crane to tell Mulder that they've found some teeth and a bridge in the ashes -- probably belonging to Lev. They've also found some crazy unidentified stuff that Doggett is quick to say is not necessarily alien in origin.

Dr Parenti's office. The good (or is he?) doctor is in the lab, carefully packing up all of his precious Dead Alien Babies in Jars. Someone enters the lab. Parenti calls out to the unnamed person, but no one answers, because it's the close-mouthed Billy Miles, in full Reign of Terror mode. I'm a little afraid of him. I think the action figures are, too, but I can't tell because they're sitting with their backs to me right now, ungrateful brats. Who do they think they are: I made them! "I'm sorry, this office is closed." Parenti says. Cue Alien Smirk of Evil. "Yes, it is," Billy intones.

Mulder and Doggett pull up outside Parenti's office. 8:57 PM. They leap out of Doggett's Manly Truck and bound inside. Mark Snow plinks out the same three high-pitched notes on the piano over and over and over again.

The boys find Parenti's lab door standing slightly open and the lock permanently broken. They call Parenti's name, but, of course, get no response. Three notes. Three notes. Three notes. The two of them skulk through the lab, guns drawn. I guess Mulder didn't have to turn over his firearm when he left the Bureau. Of course, this may be his own gun, although I wonder whether someone like Mulder could get a permit to carry a concealed weapon. No matter. Suspension of disbelief. If Scully can be pregnant for almost a year, Mulder can rustle up a firearm somewhere. Doggett and Mulder split up, and Doggett employs his main investigatorial skill, which involves pointing his gun at nothing and yelling the suspect's name. Walking, pointing, and calling. Walking, pointing and calling. I guess Mulder's doing the same thing elsewhere in the lab. Doggett, alone, enters the Dead Alien Babies in Jars room. Which is now called the Dead Alien Babies and Dr Parenti's Head in Jars room. "What the hell is that?" Doggett breathes. A small, grossed-out squeal of terror escapes me, in spite of myself. "Scared, is she?" the Mulder mutters from across the room. "She deserves everything she gets," the Scully replies. They simultaneously shoot me dirty looks.

FBI Interrogation Room. Doggett directs Frances Fisher to tell Mulder and Skinner what she told him and Agent Crane. Why is Crane -- oh, whatever. Frances Fisher tells the boys that, for the last ten years, she's been researching human cloning. The project she was working on was largely unsuccessful but well funded. By "government men, but they're all dead now." Mulder cocks a brow. Dude, I just saw the episode on F/X where the consortium got all burned up. Good times. Frances Fisher exposits that they were "surprisingly successful with a clone from a human egg and alien DNA." DNA that the government had since 1947. Frances Fisher and her cronies were making alien babies, which were eventually birthed by human mothers who were desperate to conceive. The alien babies didn't live long, but the researchers were able to harvest tissue and stem cells for other experiments -- experiments that Frances Fisher didn't work on, but knew were "something good." Mulder gruffly wants to know what they did to Scully. Everyone stares at everyone else. "We were trying to protect her," Frances Fisher says. "What did you do to her?" Mulder asks, again. Frances Fisher tells him that he doesn't understand. Mulder, agitated, demands that Frances Fisher tell him what's wrong with Scully and her/their baby. Doggett quietly tells Mulder to listen to Frances Fisher, who eyes them all, and then leans in and explains that there's absolutely nothing wrong with Scully. "The child she is carrying is very special," she says carefully. Tight close-up on Doggett. Tight close-up on Skinner. Tight close-up on Mulder. "One could only hope to create that in a lab. A perfect human child, but with no human frailties," Frances Fisher continues. Mulder looks down, then gets up and stomps out. Skinner and Doggett exchange glances. Perfect human child....no human...barren mother...very interesting.

Doggett goes after Mulder, but Crane intercepts Doggett before he catches Mulder. It's about Billy Miles. "Called in," Crane says, "from Parenti's office." Billy Miles wants to give himself up. Doggett looks up to see the elevator doors close on an inscrutable-looking Mulder. Doggett sighs. "All right, let's get over there," he says.

House of Scully. Scully is lolling on the sofa with a book, trying to read, when Mulder comes a-knocking on her door. She lets him inside with a wrinkled brow. "What's wrong?" she asks. He tells her they have to leave, and immediately. She, naturally, would like to know why, but Mulder is being rather impenetrable. "Is it about my baby?" she asks. Mulder solemnly tells her that her baby is fine; she's the one in danger. He not sure about anything, he says, but he knows he's got to get her out of there. And then Scully's issues come bubbling to the surface. "Mulder, I can't live like this!" Scully spits. "Like the object of some unending X-File!" Mulder assures her this isn't about the X-Files. "It's only about you," he says intensely. "Now," he continues, "you're going to have this baby, and I'm going to do everything I can to protect it." Scully bites the corner of her lip. "But I can't do that here," Mulder finishes. Stare. Stare. Scully walks off to the bedroom to pack.

Doggett, Crane, and the SWAT Team break into Parenti's office. More flashlights, pointed guns, and name-calling, Doggett's specialty. He dramatically kicks in a door. Billy Miles isn't there. It's a trap!

The Best Little More-Human- Than-Human Breeding Ground In Virginia. Scully's tossing things into a bag while Mulder stands stiffly in the doorjamb and watches her. Doggett Nokias him to tell them that Billy Miles called them to turn himself in, but he's not where he said he'd be. "Something's wrong," Doggett says. "Something doesn't make any sense." At that exact moment, the lights go out in Scully's apartment. She and Mulder shoot apprehensive looks at one another. "Leave the suitcase," Mulder says. But he doesn't tell her to bring her gun, which I imagine she would want, being the better shot of the two of them. She grabs her coat. They bail; out of the apartment, down the hall and out the door. In the nick of in time, too, because just as the door to the outside stairwell closes behind them, Billy bangs his way through Scully's front door.

Outside, Mulder and Scully scamper down the stairs and into the car. Unfortunately, said car is completely blocked in by cars riding both the front and back bumpers. Mulder bangs into the car behind them, then the car in front of them, trying to squeeze a way out, but it's impossible. Scully looks petrified. They sit like bumps on a log and watch Billy Miles stride out of Scully's building and right toward them. They exchanged frightened looks. Billy Miles steps off the curb and into the street. He's heading right for them, crazy maniacal alien replicant rage on his face, when a heavy black car comes barreling down the street, out of nowhere, and runs him right the hell over. Mulder and Scully exchange "holy shit!" looks, and the black car squeals into reverse. The tinted window rolls down. "We haven't got much time, get in," Krycek says. Mulder comes thisclose to actually saying "whoa!" as opposed to just thinking it. He and Scully stare at Krycek blankly. Billy Miles begins to peel himself off the pavement. "Mulder?" Scully begins shakily. "Let's go!" Krycek yells. And they do. I have no idea how Scully managed to crawl over the gearshift and past the steering wheel in her condition, but somehow she manages to crawl out the driver's side of Mulder's car. He takes her hand and folds her into Krycek's car, jumping in behind her. They speed off. Billy Miles stands up, his face a bloody mess, and stares after them. Again, very well shot scene. Go! Kim! Manners!

FBI HQ. Scully's slumped in a chair, her hand over her eyes. What the hell have I gotten myself into, she wonders. Why the hell didn't I get out of the damn X-Files when I could? Stupid Mulder and his stupid tight ass. Krycek is talking. He says they all need to know exactly what it is they're up against. Doggett points out that they're "all listening to a man who tried to kill [Doggett]. He left Skinner for dead." Yeah, he also killed Mulder's father and Scully's sister, among other charmingly evil deeds. Mulder asks Krycek to tell them about Billy Miles. "There are others just like him," Krycek says. "Call them what you want -- human replacements, alien replicants. They're unstoppable." Oh, and Krycek? So good-looking. Let's all just take a look around this room for a moment: Skinner, Doggett, Mulder, Krycek, and Scully. That's a damn good-looking quintet, not a sore thumb among them. I'm just sayin'. Anyway, Skinner wants to know what these alien replicants want. "They want to knock out any and all attempt by us to survive the final days," Krycek explains. "When they come back to retake the planet." Doggett looks skeptical. Everyone stares at everyone else, except for Scully, who is still looking at her own hand. Krycek settles into his comfortable and well-worn Exposition Sweater and explains that the alien replicants are "fearless." And they "answer to no one, other than their own biological imperative." Scully's still covering her face. Stare. Stare. STARE. Lots of pursed lips. "What about Scully?" Mulder asks. "What do they want from her?" Scully wearily rolls her eyes. "They want my baby," she breathes. She shoots sweet sweaty Krycek the look of death. "Why?" she spits. Krycek doesn't know how the aliens found how "how important" the baby is, he says, how "special" it is. Scully grits for the millionth time that her baby is perfectly normal. Krycek flutters his eyelashes. "Your baby was a miracle," he says "born of a barren mother's barren womb." Scully's all, thanks for reminding me about that. ["Plus just one 'barren' would have gotten it done, Repeating Redundant Boy." -- Wing Chun] Doggett closes his eyes. Mulder wonders aloud why the aliens are afraid of the sweet, helpless, normal MiracleNotAlienBaby. "They're afraid of its implications," Krycek says. "That it might somehow be greater than them. Something..." he shakes his head like he can't believe what he's saying. "More human than human," he finishes. "I don't believe it," Scully breathes. Skinner asks the obvious question: if the baby is so full of sweetness and human light, why did Krycek want him to kill it? He doesn't ask why Mulder was an equal trade-off, but I would still like to know. Krycek explains that he was trying to "destroy the truth before they learned the truth." Mulder stares at him. "That there's a God, a higher power," he breathes. Say it with me: huh? Isn't it possible that this isn't proof of God so much as it's...and Mulder, of all people...oh, whatever. Doggett rubs his eyes. He can't believe that they're all sitting around listening to a man they all know if a liar -- worse than a liar. Krycek smiles and reminds them that that they can't take the chance that he's wrong. He bats his lashes and completely gives Doggett the old eye. Man, the homoerotic sexual tension in this room! It could...you know. I don't know. Whatever. Krycek tells them that there isn't a hospital in the world safe enough for Scully to deliver in. Mulder glances at Scully, who's still all hiding her eyes Maybe she's afraid Krycek's hottiness will burn her retinas. Krycek says he doesn't even know if Scully will ever get out of the building. This last comment is too much for Doggett. "Why don't you just shut up," he barks. Mulder asks Doggett to "get on the phone." If they're going to get Scully out of there, they're going to need some help. Scully looks up at Mulder helplessly. Save me, big strong man! Save me and your MiracleNotAlienBaby!

Oh, shit, the help they called for is Moronica. She's on her way to the airport. Doggett tells her they'll have a cab waiting for her when she lands. He, Skinner, Mulder, and Scully get into an elevator at the Bureau, as Krycek tags behind. "If I'm so full of crap, why all the precautions?" Krycek asks. "Precisely because you are so full of crap, Krycek," Skinner says, and pokes him away from the elevator doors. Krycek looks down at the spot where Skinner touched him. "Your ass stays here," Skinner finished, as he steps inside the elevator. Just before the elevator doors close, Krycek smirks. He's one luscious son of a bitch.

Okay, I guess Moronica took the bloody Concorde to D.C., because all of a sudden, she's downstairs in the parking garage. She hops out of the cab, Doggett sends the cabbie off without paying him, and then Moronica demonstrates her grasp of the severity of the situation by making a crack about visiting the little girls' room. Doggett wisely ignores her. He calls up to Skinner and tells him to send Scully down to the garage. Mid-sentence, he sees Billy Miles stomping through the garage. God, the FBI has terrible security. Doggett barks at Mulder and Scully to get back inside the building. He runs, T2-style, toward the elevator, Moronica scampering behind him. "Go back, go back!" Doggett yells.

Unfortunately, Mulder and Scully are already out of the elevator. The doors haven't closed behind them yet, and Skinner yells at them to get the hell back inside. Poor Scully; her swollen little feet must be killing her. She and Mulder scuttle back inside the elevator, the doors of which close right in Billy Miles's face. Billy Miles heads for the stairs. Doggett and Moronica arrive at the elevator bay just in time to see the door to the stairwell swing shut behind Billy Miles. Doggett rings Skinner to tell him that Billy Miles is in the building. And heading right for them!

Back in the elevator. The doors slide open to reveal Krycek, who's still standing there in the hallway. He smirks. "Hey, look who's back!" he drawls. "He's in the building," Skinner grits. Behind him, Scully looks simply terrified. Mulder just looks like there's a stone in his shoe. "What do you want me to do?" Krycek asks. Mulder leads Scully out of the elevator. "You're going to protect her," he says. Scully just stands to Krycek, looking perturbed, to say the least. The doors close on Skinner and Mulder, neither of whom looks particularly thrilled with their latest plan.

Billy Miles is now just walking around inside FBI headquarters, roaming the deserted halls. Remind me the time I want to kill, kidnap, or rob someone, that I should do it there, because it appears to be a regular sanctuary for criminals. Billy Miles looks around evilly. He scares me. Although, I like his floppy hair. He notices that the elevator has gone all the way up to the roof and heads off for some more head-chopping mayhem.

As soon as Billy Miles is gone, Krycek leads Scully out a doorway and down the hall. They scamper down the stairs.

Billy Miles is still heading for the roof.

Down in the parking garage, Krycek hands Scully to Doggett, who hands her to Moronica, who packs her into the car. "Drive safely," Krycek says. Scully rolls her eyes. Moronica gets behind the wheel. The women exchange looks. Moronica peels out.

Now, if Mulder and Skinner were smart, they would have gotten off at a lower floor and sent the elevator to the roof to throw Billy Miles off the scent, but no. They're on the roof. Billy Miles, also on the roof, sees someone's legs walking around the perimeter of the roof. It's Skinner. He and Billy Miles play a little game of cat and mouse. Cat. And. Mouse. "Please, don't kill off Skinner. Please, don't kill off Skinner. Please, don't kill off Skinner," I chant. The action figures eye me in what might be termed a sympathetic way, but they turn away as soon as they see me looking at them. Billy Miles and his Karate Chop of Doom heads right for Skinner. Not Skinnnnnnnnnner!

Scully and Moronica speed through the parking garage.

Billy Miles is still marching toward Skinner, who peers over the roof and spies a garbage truck speeding down the street.

Inside the garage, Crane is positioned right in front of the driveway. He holds out his hands like a glorified traffic cop, gesturing for Moronica to stop the car.

Skinner's still looking down at the approaching trash truck. Billy Miles marches on, getting closer and closer. Suddenly, Mulder races up behind Billy Miles. As Billy Miles raises his arm to take off Skinner's noggin, Skinner dives out of the way, and Mulder body-checks Billy Miles over the edge of the wall and into the garbage truck, which squashes Billy Miles like a bug. Or does it?

Crane keeps holding out his arm. Moronica and Scully just sit there. Finally, Crane waves Moronica and Scully into the street. Skinner and Milder watch the ladies drive safely away. So does Crane. Crane and the big old alien replicant bumps on his neck. Call me crazy, but that was a pretty good episode. I wish I could talk it over with the action figures, but at this point, I'm just glad they didn't come with tiny plastic guns. Who knew such little creatures held such big rage?

week: Push, Dana!

You know, the way FOX is marketing week's episode, this entire "Scully's baby is born. Pray for it" tagline, is a giant fat rip-off of the marketing campaign for Rosemary's Baby, which, way back in 1968, used the line "Pray for Rosemary's Baby." That baby, of course, turned out to be the devil. Seems this might be going in the opposite direction. Or is it? Guess we'll find out.