“ Scully bursts through the door as the Brass Section of the Orchestra of Snoopery thwaps in the background. ”
Peaceful starlight. Desert vistas. A rumbling sound. A bright light in the sky. A loud whoosh as a clunker of a car speeds toward the aforementioned bright light in the sky. A hand holds a disposable camera out of the sunroof, as the owner of the hand (and presumably the camera as well) whoops exultantly. "Bogie at twelve o'clock!" the kid yells, woohooing like the president of the N*Sync fan club. The kid speeds toward the light, tossing his camera aside in favor of a hand-held tape recorder. "Diane," he says, "I just had the most sublime cherry pie." Whoops, wrong show. Instead, the kid squeals that he has "engagement of an unidentified flying object." He continues chasing said unidentified flying object like a bat out of hell. The light gets brighter and closer and lower, and begins to disappear behind a hill, as the kid speeds toward it. Finally, the kid screeches to a halt and tumbles out of the car. He watches the light blaze through the trees, and, looking stunned and a little scared, attempts to photograph it. But, see, he neglected to advance the film. "You idiot!" he spits, thumbing the little dial for all he's worth. When he looks up, the UFO has disappeared behind the hill. "Ahhh! This is not happening!" the kid yells, and chases after the light.
The UFO moves toward the ground in all of its computer-generated glory, and, after a moment, goes all shimmery and vanishes, just before the kid skitters over the crest of the hill. "This is not happening!" he yells in frustration, and kicks the ground. Once his little tantrum is over, the kid peers down into the valley, and sees a man walking through the field. He scampers down the hill, kicking dust all over the place. "I come in peace!" he yells, right before he trips and falls...onto the naked body of a beaten and bruised woman. "This is not happening," he whimpers. I'm sensing a theme.
Credits.
Lush Basement Office. Doggett holds Mulder's nameplate, staring at it blankly. What's he doing in Scully's top desk drawer? You'd think he'd learn his lesson after the tongue-lashing she gave him about going through her personal files last week. Scully bursts through the door as the Brass Section of the Orchestra of Snoopery thwaps in the background and Doggett drops the nameplate into the drawer. "Hi." "Hi." Scully gives him her "yes?" eyebrow, as Doggett kind of clears his throat and looks at her. She reminds him that he said "it was urgent." Doggett hesitantly thanks her for getting to the office so quickly. "Are you going to tell me what it is?" Scully asks, irritably. She obviously rushed to the office -- her hair isn't nearly as poufy as it was last week. I mean, the color is fantastic, but we've lost some of the Special Scully Poufing Action. Doggett quietly informs her that he'd like Skinner to give her the news. Scully looks scared. This is just cruel, people. Put the woman out of her misery -- this kind of stress can not be good for her alien human hybrid baby, Smoking Samantha Mulder.
Office of the Skinman. Skinner's talking with his secretary (who looks just like Scully. Unrequited love, much, Skinner?) about Scully's travel plans ("Agent Scully will be traveling with us," he tells his assistant, "us" meaning "me and my red-hot lover, the raging gay yang to my repressed gay yin, Agent John Doggett") when Scully and Doggett arrive. "What? What is it?" Scully asks, tortured. Skinner grimly suggests that they go into his office. Scully flashes a terrified look at her boss. Skinner gruffly informs Scully that he's received news from Montana about a UFO encounter. Scully: "What kind of encounter?" In other words, was Mulder driving the space ship? If not, let me off the freaking hook here. Skinner recaps the entire kid-chasing-UFO thing we all just saw as Doggett stares at his feet because he can't believe any of this, despite having been shot dead and vomited up alive mere weeks ago. Now, that's believable. Aliens, on the other hand? That's crazy talk! Scully irritably reminds Skinner that she has piles of files about UFO encounters in her office. "What's so important about this case?" she asks. Skinner tells her that the UFO chaser is a kid named Richie Slay, a "UFO nut" she and Mulder met in Montana last spring. Skinner and Doggett peer intently at Scully, as tears start to well in her eyes. "Is this something to do with Mulder?" she whispers. Skinner spits that Richie found a woman Scully will remember -- Theresa Hosie, a young mother abducted the night before Agent Mulder was, last May. "And who was returned last night," Skinner finishes. "Returned?" Scully says, shakily. Skinner warns her that Theresa is hanging onto life by a thread.
St. Jean Hospital, Helena, Montana. That's another shout-out to me, since I was just watching Boxing Helena last night on the Independent Film Channel, the channel which proves that "independent" does not necessarily equal "good." Man, that movie reeked. It also proves my theory about Julian Sands, which is that he sold his soul to the devil to appear in A Room With A View and is now doomed to appear in total dreck for, like, the rest of his life. Sad story. Anyway. Back to The X-Files. Doggett, Skinner and Scully burst into the hospital like three trenchcoated angels of death, and are greeted by one Dr. Desai, who sighs that he wishes someone had told him they were coming, because he could have saved them the trip: Theresa is in no condition to talk to them. "What is her condition?" Scully wonders. "She's circling the drain," Desai says. Nice bedside manner you got there. Although I guess he's not technically bedside at this point. Nevertheless. Turns out Desai is disgusted -- disgusted and horrified! -- by Theresa's condition. She's been horribly mistreated. Desai grimly eyes the trio, and asks them to promise that they'll catch "whoever" did what "they" did to Theresa. Scully stares back mournfully. Why is her hair flat again? Why, God? Why hast thou forsaken thy servant, Scully, in this, her hour of need? Her need to look hot, I mean. People, she has nothing! Nothing but her full head of bouncy, flame-colored hair! From her perch on the sofa, the Scully action figure eyes me. "You need a life," she says.
Theresa's Room of Pain. As the agents file in, Desai spits that the patient shouldn't even be alive. Scully glides over to the bed and gazes down at poor Theresa, who truly does look like hell, what with all these holes drilled through her cheeks, and a black eye, and various and sundry contusions. Desai runs down Theresa's injuries, which correspond with what we've seen Mulder suffering up in the Dental Chair of Death: tissue damage inside her cheeks, her chest cut into and organ tissue scooped out, soft palate damage. Scully's lower lip quivers. Almost hesitantly, she asks if Theresa has any, er, "foreign objects" implanted anywhere in her body. Desai is all like, "no, Freakshow. Aren't the holes drilled through her cheeks enough for you people?" Scully gazes at Theresa some more, as this really hot police officer comes to the door with a report for Doggett. Doggett barely gives Hot Police Officer the time of day, diving into the report tout de suite, but Skinner gives him the old once-over. As do I. I love you, Hot Police Officer! Come on over here and pat me down! Ahem, sorry about that. Doggett looks up from the paperwork and announces that they have a suspect.
Skinner, Scully and Doggett head over to a local motel to pay Little Richie a little visit. Richie immediately recognizes Scully, whose hair suddenly looks much better. She must have leaned over and shook it out sometime between now and the hospital. Thank God. Doggett wanders through the motel room, paying special attention to the wall over the bed, which is papered with UFO photographs and newspaper clippings. "Why are you in Montana if you're from Oregon?" he wonders. Richie sputters in his hopped-up-on-Sweet Tarts-and-Pepsi way that his "buddy" Gary was abducted right before Mulder was, and he's been looking for him this whole time. Concentrating on saving his friend. Not even taking time out to, you know, visit the world's largest block of cheese or investigate a bunch of freaks who believe that Jesus has returned to earth in the form of a freaking banana slug. He explains that he's tracked the UFO across the country, following news reports and visiting internet chats rooms to talk to fellow alien enthusiasts. And he's followed the ship here. Doggett, Skinner, and Scully listen to this litany open-mouthed. Yeah, y'all got shown up by a dorky kid from Oregon with nothing but a TV and his computer. Good work with all that. Maybe if you didn't waste your time investigating people that climb up other people's butts, Mulder wouldn't still be off getting his cheeks ripped apart by little metal claws of death! Anyway, Richie snuffles about how sorry he feels about poor Theresa, and how he never expected to find her there in the field, all hanging to life by a thread and whatnot. Doggett asks Richie about the "alien" he claims to have seen and wonders if perhaps the "alien" was actually just a man. Because they found footprints made by a pair of size 9 1/2 Nikes in the field. "Ever heard of an alien in Nikes?" Doggett sneers. Richie considers this, and agrees that, no, generally aliens prefer Adidas. "But what about the space ship?" he asks. Doggett doesn't respond, other than by furrowing his manly brow and stomping out of the room. Good comeback, J-Dawg.
Scully stomps her fluffy-haired ass after him. "What was that, in there?" she spits. Doggett informs her that he was "pressing the witness to get the truth." Scully sighs, and asks him if he really can't believe that the person Richie saw might not have been human. Doggett dismisses this, telling her that "it's not worth arguing about." Scully gives him a minor eyebrow, and reminds him that they've finally gotten a break in the Mulder case, a break they've been looking for months! Looking for half-assedly for months, I mutter. Doggett stares at Scully real hard and then Psych 101s that while he knows she wants to find Mulder, he thinks she's also scared of finding him. He then stomps off for the second time in as many scenes, as Scully does the stunned "Can It Be True?" Stare into the distance.
Up in the ether of the atmosphere, Mulder is still getting tortured. And you can tell it's been a while since our last visit to the Worst Dentist in the Universe, because not only are his cheeks all stretched apart, still, he's also gotten himself a real bad case of dry skin -- all flaky and whatnot -- on his chin. Still, a little moisturizer will clear that right up; the constant chest openings and anal probings are probably more worrisome, health-wise.
Back on earth, Scully wakes with a gasp, sitting straight up in bed. Too freaked out to roll over and go back to sleep, Scully gets dressed and trots, looking lost and alone, to Skinner's motel room. Skinner answers the door in a tight white t-shirt, sans glasses. "What if he's dead?" Scully asks piteously. Skinner stares at her intently, but I'm not sure if that's because he's full of intense emotions, or because he just can't see without his glasses and has no idea who this short, sad-sounding person is. Scully looks at her feet. "I'm sorry, I just had a bad dream," she whispers. Skinner looks past her head. "Let me get some clothes on," he says, gruffly, and shuts the door in her face.
Skinner and Scully walk over to the little lawn opposite the motel. Skinner's dressed, but has left his glasses in the motel. They stare up into the night sky. "I once had a talk with Mulder about starlight," Scully says. "How it's billions of years old. [Scully stares at the sky.] Stars that are now long dead, whose light is still traveling through time. It won't die, that light. Maybe it's the only thing that never does. [Skinner gazes at her, sympathetically.] He said that's where souls reside." Scully starts to tear up. She kind of clamps her lips together and nods her head. "I hope he's right," she whispers, attempting to smile bravely. Skinner puts his arm around her. "If you're trying to prepare yourself, I want you to stop. Nothing says we're going to stumble over him in some field," he says. Scully's crying proper now, but manages to smile, painfully, through her tears. "Nothing says he won't be fine," Skinner finishes, firmly, as Scully buries her head in his chest and sobs. He wraps his arms around her. Nice work from both of them, there.
Hospital. Night. Jeremiah Smith -- who I thought was dead, but I have no idea who's dead and who's alive on this show anymore -- walks through the deserted halls, pauses for a moment before the nurses' station, morphs into Dr. Desai and tells the nurse to arrange to transfer Theresa Hosie to another hospital. She's surprised, but agrees. As she trots down the hall, the camera pans to Jeremiah's feet. He's wearing Nikes. Mark Snow cues up the Minor Chords of Evil Footwear.
The phone in Scully's motel room rings loudly, waking her from a nap. Or maybe it's morning, and she fell asleep in her clothes on top of the bed. Whatever. All mussed and disconcerted, Scully furrows her brow as she listens to the person on the end of the line. "Yeah? Hold on. Who took her? Why? Where? Where's Agent Doggett?" She sighs. I hate this job, she thinks. Why wasn't I satisfied with just being a doctor? I could have been the chief of staff at a major hospital by this point. And rich. And my babies would turn out normal. Instead, I'm chasing some stupid space ship all over town, and no one -- no one! -- appreciates all the money I'm spending on these fucking Armani suits. Stupid FBI. I swear, once we find that pain-in-the-ass Mulder, I'm going to quit this retarded job and live my life like a normal person. She stomps out of her hotel room.
Skinner and Scully drive their Sensible FBI Rental Car all the way out to some random hill in the middle of nowhere. The time/date stamp actually literally says "Random Hill, The Middle of Nowhere. 9:34 AM." Okay, it doesn't, but wouldn't that be funny? Doggett scampers down the hill to meet their car. "Did you find [Theresa]?" No, he didn't. "No? I don't understand. You called us all the way out here," Scully says, biting her tongue to keep from mentioning that Doggett interrupted her nap. Doggett says that he called them out into the middle of nowhere to "to get another point of view." "Another point of view?" Scully parrots, irritably, as she follows Doggett up the hill. HairCheck2K1: Smashing. Skinner makes a face like he just stepped in dog shit. At the top of the hill stands a dark-haired woman, smoking a cigarette, in three-quater profile. Gee, I just know that reminds me of someone else on this show, but for the life of me, I can't remember who it is. Doggett tells them that the woman's name is Monica Reyes, and that she's a fellow agent with whom he once worked a case. He explains that Monica has a Masters in Religious Studies, and specializes in ritualistic crime. "Ritualistic crime? Are we working the same case, here?" Scully asks, shortly. Doggett grins widely, and wisely says nothing.