Per Manum

Previously on The X-Files: Scully was abducted by aliens. Twice! They did all kinds of weird and unpleasant things to her, which rendered her barren, and gave her the cancer, and then, while she was dying in the hospital, Mulder snuck into this super-secret part of the CIA and found all these file cabinets and in one of the cabinets were Scully's ova, neatly packed away, and he stole them, but now he's gone and she's pregnant, and it's all a great big mystery!

And on to the episode that will answer all our questions. Or not. Megan Follows -- best known (to me, certainly, and, I suppose, to at least most women roughly my age) as Anne of Anne of Green Gables, and who appeared as a lesbian on ERjust last week -- is in the midst of having a baby. Her husband exhorts her to breathe. Anne doesn't chuck the fetal monitor at him and ask him what the hell he thinks she's doing, like I would; she just huffs and puffs obligingly. A medical professional of some sort -- I don't know if she's a doctor or a nurse -- glides into the delivery room and checks Anne's dilation. I don't know how I feel, watching some stranger stick her hand up Anne Shirley's hoo hoo. It's rather disconcerting, to say the least. Mid-hoo, the fetal monitor starts bleeping madly. Anne's very frightened, as another doctor scampers in, putting on his surgical mask. Poor Anne! Where's Gilbert now that she needs him? The doctors begin to prep her for an emergency C-section, and Anne's husband leaves to go scrub in. As soon as he's out the door, Female Doctor locks the door behind him. Um, okay -- what kind of hospital has locking doors on its delivery rooms? Again, does NO ONE watch ER? Once a doctor has scrubbed in, he or she needs to be able to enter the room without using his or her hands, which is why the doors have no handles and are all swingy. Also, because the swinging doors are dramatic. Beware of hospitals with locking doors, people. The doctors there will steal your alien baby. Oops, did I give that away? The doctors exchange Evil Glances of Great Evilness, as Anne moans on the table. Anne! The Evil Male Doctor begins to cut open her belly. I'd like to thank the foley guys for making sure that the sound of tearing flesh features prominently on the soundtrack at this point. Thanks, guys! Anne's still freaking out, so they give her more drugs. She falls back and watches hazily as the Evil Male Doctor lifts the baby out of her body. "Is he all right? Is my baby all right?" Anne asks, frantically. Evil Male Doctor gestures and his henchmen up her meds, so she loses consciousness. Evil Male Doctor holds up the baby, which is, er, meowing. Like a cat. He leans over the infant to cut the umbilical cord. The child is tiny, and perfect -- a green little alien baby. Okay, I thought I'd read all of the Anne books, but I guess I missed the one where she was abducted by aliens and forced to bear their demon spawn.

Credits. They're creditastic! Except for the enthusiastic "-tastic" suffix.

Cut to a shot of a still photograph from an ultrasound. The Violins of Scully's Extremely Mysterious Pregnancy swell in the background, as the camera pans out to show Dana "I'm a Medical Doctor, too? Are you sure?" Scully examining the photograph. The Ohhhhhhh Eehhhhh AHHHHHHHHHH music from the season premiere kicks it into high gear again. Welcome back, Ohhhhh Eeeehhh AHHHH, I've missed your melodic wailing. Scully looks plaintively at the photograph, then at herself in the mirror. She touches her belly. Apprehension, happiness, fear, loneliness, and, finally, terrible sadness fly across her face. Tears well in her eyes. She stares at herself for a moment and manages, somehow, to get a grip. Barely. Weakened by how great Gillian Anderson's acting is in this scene, I give the Scully action figure to me a little hug.

Scully enters the Lush Basement Office to find Doggett chewing the fat with Anne's husband, whom he introduces as Duffy Haskill. That's an unfortunate name. From Gilbert Blythe to Duffy Haskill? Anne's trading down, yo. Doggett tells Scully that Haskill knows her, having contacted her eight years ago about his wife, who is also an abducteee. Scully says something about that being before her time, which I don't quite catch because I'm staring at her hair. It looks GREAT. I think the hair dresser on set feels bad that Gillian Anderson is still stuck on this crap-ass show, and while she curls Gillian's hair, and Gillian dabs at her eyes with a Kleenex and looks at her pages for the day and cries because the kick-ass character she created has become a fucking wreck who's constantly being punished, soothingly croons that she needs to stop crying because it will ruin her make up, and then Gillian sniffs and stares at herself in the mirror and wonders aloud why she didn't leave when David did and the hair dresser just hands her a cup of chamomile tea and promises that no matter how crappy Scully's life gets, her hair will only get better. Doggett solemnly announces that Haskill's wife is dead. Hold the presses. You've done a lot of bad, bad things, Chris Carter, but now you've gone and murdered Anne Shirley? You are dead to me. "They killed her," Haskill tells Scully mournfully. Doggett exposits that Haskill wrote letters to Mulder about Anne's "[awkward pause] abduction experience." Haskill blusters that Anne gave birth to an alien. Thinking about her own alien bundle of joy, Scully is a little slow on the uptake. "I thought your wife was murdered," she says. "That's why they killed her," Haskill explains. Doggett makes his "y'all are whack, yo," face, as Scully sinks into Mulder's chair. "Oooooookay," she says, like this is the craziest thing she's ever heard, which is nuts, because after eight years I think she'd have her feet on the desk, doing her nails and nodding while Haskill spun his tale, so not surprised she ought to be.

Haskill explains that Anne was a multiple abductee, and that the aliens conducted procedures on her while they had her. One procedure gave her cancer; one took it away. Scully purses her lips. I've never heard of such a thing, she thinks. I haven't, I haven't, I haven't! She looks away from Haskill, who explains that, finally, the aliens came and implanted an alien embryo in his wife's formerly barren womb. Doggett shoots Scully a piercing glance. Scully wonders if Haskill can prove any of this. He takes an envelope out of his pocket and tells her that it's Anne's ultrasound. One that shows a very bizarre pregnancy. A pregnancy that any Non-Evil doctor would be able to tell was all wrong. Scully looks at the photograph, as Haskill yammers that he and Anne went to three different doctors, and he thinks they're all in cahoots. Evil cahoots. Scully makes dismissive noises in the back of her throat, like she can't believe it's possible that anyone could have killed his wife and stolen their alien baby. Nevertheless, she gets his 411 and tells him that she and Doggett will be in touch.

After Haskill leaves, Scully thanks Doggett for such an "amusing" diversion. Doggett sputters that he thought she'd think it was interesting. " 'Interesting' as in preposterous and outrageous?" she spits. Um, what the hell? That's more preposterous and outrageous than your erstwhile partner, possible lover, and certain best friend being abducted by aliens? Than those two times you yourself were abducted by aliens? Than a cult believing that a banana slug is the second coming? Than Doggett getting shot through the chest and then vomited up all alive? Ladies and gentleman, I present to you Dana Scully, Queen of Denial. Doggett furrows his manly brow and explicates that he thought she'd be interested in Duffy's story because it's the same as her own. It's exactly what happened to her. Excepting the pregnancy, of course, he allows. "It's all there, in the x-files," he concludes. Scully narrows her eyes as the Violins of Invaded Privacy swoon. Doggett immediately looks guilty. Scully snips that she's impressed with his knowledge of past cases, but "[her] personal files are [her] personal files." Doggett looks at his lap and rubs his lower lip with his pencil. "Of course," he apologizes. Scully stomps out of the office. Doggett inwardly berates himself for being so stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Scully lip-purses her way through the hallway and into the elevator. She makes her thoughtful face and grips Anne's ultrasound as the elevator doors slide shut. And open, to reveal the puppy dog eyes of one Special Agent Fox "Shhh!" Mulder, who appears relieved to see her. "I was looking all over for you," he says. Because he looooooooooves her. He wants her to have a million of his babies. Oh. Oops. He steps inside the elevator. We know it's a flashback, because Scully has her old hair -- flatter, but still attractive. Also, because she doesn't faint dead away at the sight of him in the hallway. She sighs and tells him that she had a doctor's appointment and "time got away from [her]." Mulder furrows his brow and looks at her, concerned. "Is anything the matter?" Scully looks at her feet and tells him that nothing is wrong, but she had to go for a walk and clear her head. Mulder doesn't buy her "I'm fine" line, both because Scully is a very bad liar, and because, you know, he's not an idiot. He asks her, again, "What's wrong?" Scully sighs and looks deeply depressed. "I'm sorry I haven't told you," she begins, "and I don't know why, since you were always there for me during my illness." She stops. Mulder sort of smiles, but he looks like his heart is in his throat. "Don't make me guess," he says. Scully: "I'm barren." Mulder: Inscrutable look. Didn't he know that already? Scully continues, telling him that she's "not ready to accept that [she] will never have children." Sad stares all around; both of them look like they might start to cry.