Jose Chung's "From Outer Space"

So, this is it, everyone! The last recap of The X-Files ever. I don't really know what to say about that, other than that I'm going to miss it -- and you all -- quite a bit. Many thanks to everyone who's written to me over the last few years, one final shout-out to the forums, and most especial thanks to Wing Chun for being a terrific editor. ["Aw. You make it easy." -- Wing Chun]

Mark Snow cues up some tinkly Space, the Final Frontier-type music as the camera pans the starry night sky. Mark Snow, I'm going to miss you. Wouldn't you like to make the move over to the WB and start composing for Dawson's Creek? Aren't you just itching to write "The Ballad of Dawson and Joey," all full of minor keys and small children screaming in the background? Come on! It'll be fun. Please? I need company there. Mark? Mark? Hello? Fine.

The camera pans across what looks like the underbelly of a spaceship, à la Star Wars. The camera scans up, however, and reveals that the bolts and whatnot are just the bottom-workings of a truck from the Electric Company -- one of those ones with the little trolley that lifts up into the sky so that the person who works for the Electric Company can fix the power lines. Does that trolley truck whosamawhatsis have a name? I'm sure it does. I don't remember these things anymore. I can remember detailed plots of various Sweet Valley High books, but not the name of that truck lift-y up-y thing. Maybe because Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield never worked for the Electric Company. Probably because Jessica would never wear a jumpsuit like that. Anyway. This is "Klass County. Washington." A guy in Buddy Holly glasses stands in the lifty trolley doohickey and tells someone on the phone that he's checked all the connections. He has no idea why the power's down. He's coming in for more equipment.

An old light yellow Mustang hardtop drives past Buddy Holly Glasses and down the dark road, carrying a young couple. The boy looks at the girl and sort of smiles. "Um. I don't want to scare you," he says, "but I think I'm madly in love with you." Oh, if I had a dollar, people! She smiles at her lap. "I mean, you're all I think about," he continues. "You're my whole world." Chrissy -- for that is her name, and although they don't say it for a while, this is my last recap and I'm too lazy to keep calling her "the girl" -- smiles up at him. "Harold, I like you a lot, too," she tells him. "But this is our first date. I think we need more time to get to know one another." Um, yeah. Harold is cute, but "you're my whole world" on Date Numero Uno? Creep-ee. Harold is about to say something else -- possibly involving marriage -- when the car sputters out. And here we go. The Mustang shudders to a stop. "What happened?" Chrissy asks. Harold shrugs and tries to start the car. There's a loud bang and a burst of bright light. Chrissy screams, and they both throw their hands in front of their faces as a spaceship sinks down into view. The kids look stunned and scared. Two Gray aliens emerge from the ship and approach the car. "Harold, what the hell are those things?" Chrissy asks. "How the hell should I know?" Harold whispers, as the Grays come around to the car windows and Chrissy and Harold spontaneously lose consciousness.

The Grays drag Chrissy and Harold out of the car. Man, I hate it when my date and I get abducted by aliens. Especially on the first date. It's so awkward. "I think it's sort of romantic," the Scully action figure comments from her spot on the coffee table. The Mulder action figure is rubbing her feet. They seem to have made up. "Mulder and I got abducted many times, and it only made our relationship stronger. Maybe, Jessica, if you got yourself abducted, for once you could finally have a successful relationship with a man. Nothing says love like driving a Snow Cat to Antarctica to save you from becoming a human incubator for a new race of alien beings." She smiles a small, plastic smile at me. "True, that," the Mulder says. "Shut up," I say. I hate the happy new action figures. They're so damn smug. Anyway. Behind the Grays, a burst of red light blows out of the spaceship. The Grays exchange confused glances as the cheesiest Monster from Outer Space type creature ever comes staggering onto the scene. He waves his arms around like Godzilla and growls. "Jack, what is that thing?" one of the Grays asks, in English. "How the hell should I know?" Jack responds.

Les Credits.

LBO. The camera focuses on the "I Want to Believe" poster, then pans over to where Scully is talking to one Mr. Jose Chung, writer and wearer of tweed. "I had never thought much about it before," Jose Chung minces. "I guess that's because I always felt like such an alien myself. That to be concerned with aliens from other planets seemed...well, redundant." Scully informs him that she never considered it much herself, until she started work on the X-Files. Jose Chung nods, saying that he understands that Scully's partner is "the actual expert." Scully nods, apologizing for Mulder's refusal to speak to him. "I probably wouldn't have, myself, if I wasn't such an admirer of your work," she concludes. Jose Chung makes a series of flattered cooing noises as Scully tells him that "The Lonely Buddha is one of [her] favorite novels," and that, later, she plans to have a series of out-of-character visions in a Buddhist temple. "And here I was thinking that you were just some brainy beauty," Jose Chung says, crossing around to take a seat in front of the desk. "And now I find that you also have good taste." Scully smiles modestly and takes a seat herself. "What made you decide to write a book about an alien abduction, if you're not that interested in the subject?" she asks, prompting Jose Chung to launch into a rather lengthy explanation, the upshot of which is that he's doing it for the money. Scully blinks. "Well, just as long as you're attempting to record the truth," she offers. "God, no, how could I possibly do that?" he asks, explaining that he spent three months in Klass County, and that everyone he spoke to related a different version of what happened. "Truth is as subjective as reality," he tells her, explaining that this why every abductee begins his or her story with "now, I know this is going to sound crazy, but...." I guess that also explains how none of us can figure out what the hell actually ever happened on this show. Scully looks down at the desk and smiles. "So now you're here to get my version of the truth?" she asks. "Exactly," he tells her, paternally patting her on the arm and opening his notebook. "Now, when did you first hear about the case?" he begins.

Fade to Klass County. About dawn. I presume. I have not actually seen dawn in...oh, approximately nine years. That's a lie, now that I think about it. Last summer, I was in a wedding and I had to get up at 3 in the morning so as to have my hair done in time for the 10 AM ceremony. That was not the easiest morning of my life, friends. Anyway, Scully explains that they didn't hear about the case right off the bat, since not enough time had elapsed for it to be considered a missing persons case before Chrissy popped up. Also, you know, because there's no reason the X-Files would get called in before the kids started yammering about the little green men.

Cut to Chrissy sitting in the car, alone and looking scarred from...you know, the anal probe or whatever happened to her on the ship. Scully voice-overs that Chrissy was suffering from "missing time," and had no idea what had happened to her or how she ended up where she did. Chrissy's clothes were on inside out and backward, Scully says (although they aren't, really, unless Chrissy is in the habit of wearing cardigans that button up the back, in which case I suspect that the aliens took her as a favor to the fashion police). Chrissy exhibited signs of physical abuse, Scully says. Jose Chung sighs that he's had a morning or two like that, and that it seems as though Chrissy's symptoms are in keeping with people who are... "Do you prefer the term 'abductee' or 'experiencer'?" he asks. Scully sighs that she prefers neither, but that Mulder uses "abductee." Jose Chung shares that he prefers the latter. "'I've just had an alien experience,'" he swaggers, "versus 'I've just been abducted!'" Scully has no response to this, so Jose Chung goes back to scribbling in his little leather book. "Regardless," Scully says, "the girl was considered neither at the time. She appeared to be a victim of date rape more than anything else."

Cut to a shot of Chrissy sleeping in her pristine little twin bed, marred only by the blood seeping out of her nose. Oh, man! Does this mean Chrissy is going to end up infertile and with terminal nose cancer? Poor little thing. "She was given a physical exam, and her statement was taken," Scully continues. "Later that night, she received her...visitation." At this, Chrissy wakes up, touching her nose. She looks up to see a Gray alien standing at the foot of the bed, reaching for her. Chrissy screams and turns on her light. The alien is just a stuffed cat, which she kicks violently. Dude, it's not Kitty Fantastico's fault. Dial it down, sister. Chrissy heaves a deep breath. Something hits the window, and Chrissy shuts off the light and goes to look out into the yard. A shadow, looking like nothing so much as an alien, falls across the yard. When the creature walks into the light, however, it just turns out to just be Harold. Chrissy flings the window open. "Chrissy, thank God you're all right!" he calls up to her. "How dare you come here?" Chrissy hisses. Harold explains that he "did everything he could." Chrissy's jaw clenches. "Don't I know it, you bastard," she spits, as the lights come on downstairs. Harold turns tail and runs. "Chrissy, I love you!" he shouts over his shoulder.

Scully voice-overs that Chrissy's dad told the police about Harold's little visit, and they apprehended him at his own home.

Cut to the local station house, where Harold is being interrogated. "We were abducted by aliens," he says. "You don't sound so sure of it," one of the detectives says. "Well, it all seems so crazy," Harold explains. "And I don't know why Chrissy doesn't remember it." The detective wonders if Harold is willing to take a lie-detector test to prove he was abducted. Harold is. "Well, too bad!" the detective roars. He doesn't need test results to know that the only thing Harold was abducted by was "his rampaging hormones." Harold just looks tearfully at the table. Man, this date did not go the way he had planned, did it?

"But he did take a test. And passed it?" Jose Chung asks Scully. "And he stuck to his story. Until we got there," she replies.

Cut to the station house, where Harold is getting the third degree from Mulder. "If she says I raped her," Harold dully tells Mulder, "then I guess I raped her." Mulder comments that Harold doesn't "sound so sure of that." He takes a seat. Scully leans against the wall and crosses her arms. "It sounds so crazy. I don't know why Chrissy remembers it that way," Harold says sadly. Mulder wonders if Harold would be willing to take a lie-detector test to prove that he raped Chrissy. "No, I'm not," Harold finally says. "That's too bad. Because the rape you experience will probably be your own. In prison." Mulder announces. How very comforting of you, Mulder. Scully voice-overs that "this should have ended [their] investigation," but Mulder decided to talk to Chrissy.

Poor Chrissy gets questioned again, as Scully makes a series of pained faces in the background. Chrissy admits that she can't sleep, she's having muscle pains and nosebleeds. Hell, I have all those problems. Excuse me, I have to go check the back of my neck for a metal implant. Hang on....Okay, all clear. Where was I? Ah, yes. Chrissy's also seeing aliens everywhere she looks, which, thank God, I've avoided thus far. Scully voice-overs that Mulder decided, on the basis of these facts, that Chrissy was suffering from post-abduction disorder. Back at the office, Jose Chung asks Scully whether she agreed with Mulder's diagnosis. Scully shrugs that stress of any kind can cause all of those ailments. Including seeing aliens? Man, I thought I was stressed out now, but I guess not. "In any case, Mulder convinced the girl and her parents to allow her to be hypnotized," Scully says.

LBO. Jose Chung asks Scully what she thinks of hypnosis. She shrugs that she knows it has therapeutic value -- and that it's also handy when one wants to revisit one's past lives, especially those which took place during major American historical events -- but that it's never been proven to enhance memory. "In fact," Scully says, "it worsens it, as people in that state are prone to confabulation." Jose Chung comments that while he was researching his book The Caligarian Candidate -- "One of the greatest thrillers ever written," Scully interjects -- he learned that the CIA did mind-control experiments in the 1950s without ever really knowing how hypnosis works or what it even is. "No one still knows," Scully tells him. "Still, as a storyteller," Jose Chung says, "I am fascinated by how a person's sense of consciousness can be so transformed by nothing more magical than listening to words. Mere words."

Cut to the hypnotherapy session. Chrissy is getting very sleepy. Very, very sleepy. Her vision stretches and wanes and all of a sudden the policemen, the hypnotist and Mulder and Scully are all Grays. "I'm in a room," she says, "on a spaceship. Surrounded by aliens." In her regression, Chrissy is strapped into an early prototype of the Worst Dental Chair in the Universe. "Are you alone?" the hypnotist asks. No, she tells him, Harold is with her, but he's really out of it: "Like he's not really there." Yeah, maybe he was stunned into catatonia due to the humiliation of the black latex Speedo the aliens have poured him into. Chrissy narrates that the aliens seem to be arguing. "I can sort of hear them, but I can't understand what they're saying," she says. Except the leader. She can understand him. Because he's inside her head. Dum dum dum dum! "He's telling me this is for the good of my planet," Chrissy says. "But I don't like what he's doing. It's like he's inside my mind. Like he's stealing my memories."

When Chrissy says this, Mulder shoots Scully a triumphant look. She is, of course, highly skeptical. Chrissy and her parents leave the room, and our heroes get into it. Mulder tells Scully that Chrissy has all the typical abduction characteristics. Scully agrees. In fact, she thinks it's almost too typical. So typical as to be fabricated, she says. Mulder reminds Scully heatedly that Harold corroborates Chrissy's tale. Enter the local detective, who glares at Mulder. "You really bleeped up this case," he says.

LBO: "Of course, he didn't actually say 'bleep,'" Scully tells Jose Chung. "He said --" Jose Chung raises a cautionary hand and explains that he's familiar with "Detective Manners's colorful phraseology."

Station house. Mulder asks if Detective Manners is still planning on holding Harold. "You bet your blankety blank bleep I am," Manners responds. Mulder points out that Chrissy confirmed Harold's alibi. "Like hell she did," Manners yelps. "These kids' stories couldn't be more bleeping different!" Then he storms out. Scully covers her face with her hands. As in "Bad Blood," I suspect that Gillian Anderson uses that bit of blocking when she can't keep a straight face. And with good reason. The Detective Manners character -- who I understand is based on the foul-mouthed Kim Manners -- is hilarious.

So, after the commercials, we fade up on a room full of steel cages and unflattering lighting. Occasionally, there's a burst of sparks, like an electrical explosion. Poor hapless Harold is enclosed in one of the cages, crouched to an unconscious Chrissy. In the distance, there's all this agonized screaming. It's a lot like my office, actually. A Gray is enclosed in the cage to Harold. "What do you want with us? What do you want with us?" Harold asks the alien. Back at the police station, Mulder asks him how the alien responded. We cut to a shot of the alien placing a cigarette in his mouth. When I first saw this episode, I think I actually turned to my roommate and said, "oh my God, CSM is an alien!" But I was wrong. It's not CSM. Or is it? No, it's totally not. Anyway. Harold blinks. At last, Chrissy comes to. "What's happening?" she asks. Harold leans in and assures her that he's going to protect her. He'll never let anything happen to her, he says. On cue, of course, the ceiling opens up and she gets sucked into a light beam. Way to go, Harold.

Back at the police station, Mulder wonders what the Gray was doing during this whole Chrissy Gets Sucked Into the Light thing. "He was just talking," Harold says. "Telepathically?" Mulder asks. "No, in English," Harold explains. We cut back to the Steel Cages of Pain and Nicotine, where the alien is rocking back and forth. "This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening," he repeats to himself. Hey, much like the episode of the same name, in which Mulder was returned from the Worst Dental Chair in the Universe where he, too, was tortured by the aliens. Hmm. That's interesting. Coincidence, I'm sure. Anyway, Harold yells at the alien to shut his piehole. Then he gets sucked into the light beam. Harold does. Not the alien. Poor hapless Harold. Poor, poor, never-going-to-get- back-into-Chrissy's-pants- after-all-this Harold.

"I'm not sure where they took me, because I was like this in pain," Harold tells Mulder and Scully back at the police station, scrunching his face and upper body up in a ball. Behind Mulder, Scully paces around, looking bored. "Because the aliens were conducting torturous experiments on you?" Mulder asks, a little too hopefully. Just you wait, mister. You are in for some delightful torturous experiments of your own! "No," Harold says. "No. It was like...you remember when you were a kid and you tore the legs off a bug for no reason? I guess I was the bug." I never did that. Although I used to torture ants by sticking our garden hose down their ant hole. For some reason, I felt compelled to yell "Remember the Alamo!" as they all ran out of the hole in desperate search for dry ground. I presume we had just finished learning about the Alamo in my history class, but why I held the ants responsible, I really can't tell you. Anyway, Harold continues his tale of woe, explaining that, the thing he knew, he was flying through the air. He hit the ground, he says, and was knocked out. When he came to, he ran to Chrissy's to make sure she was okay. At this, Scully has had enough. She slams her hand down on the desk. "Harold? Did you and Chrissy engage in consensual sexual intercourse that night?" she asks. That's our Scully -- cutting right to the chase. Harold looks abashed. "If her father finds out, I'm a dead man," he says. And on the first date! No wonder they got abducted by aliens! Anyone who's ever seen a horror movie knows that teenagers who have sex are doomed to get their faces ripped off by creatures from another planet eventually.

Scully and Mulder confab, sans Harold. "So what if they had sex?" Mulder asks. "So, we know that it wasn't an alien that probed her," Scully retorts, explaining that she thinks it's more likely that this is a case of "sexual trauma" rather than an alien abduction, especially in light of the kids' conflicting stories. Detective Manners comes barging in at this point, announcing that he just got a phone call from "some crazy bleephead," who claims to have witnessed the abduction. "Feel like talking to this blankhole?" he asks. That schtick just never stops being funny for me.

The blankhole is the dude with the Buddy Holly glasses from the electric company, whose name is actually Rocky. Mulder and Scully pay a little visit to Rocky's studio/garage. Rocky tells them that he knows how crazy this all sounds, but what he has to say has to be said. Or something. "It's bigger than a couple of kids. It has to do with the entire planet, the universe, and who knows what all," he tells them, dramatically waving a sheaf of paper. Apparently, he wrote everything down. Mulder reaches for the manuscript, but Rocky pulls it back. He doesn't want to be overly dramatic, he says, but Mulder and Scully are putting their lives in danger just by looking it! Their very lives! Do you understand? Their lives! Again! Some more! "Why is that?" Mulder asks. Rocky gazes dramatically off into the distance and narrates that, the night before, "the weirdest thing happened."

We cut...well, actually, we don't cut. It's exactly the same shot, but it's apparently the night before; Mulder and Scully are gone and Rocky has his manifesto open in front of him. His garage door flies open. He watches open-mouthed as a old black Cadillac -- fins and all -- with blacked-out windows comes squealing around the corner and into his garage. The garage door bangs shut behind it. Rocky stares as the driver's-side window rolls down to reveal Jesse Ventura in a black suit and hat. And goatee. "No other object has been more misidentified as a flying saucer than the planet Venus," Jesse Ventura announces. "Really?" Rocky asks.

"That was when I realized something was weird," Rocky tells Mulder and Scully. "At which point?" Scully asks. Rocky calmly explains that, usually, when two strangers drive into his garage -- because that happens all the time, I'm sure -- he tells them to get the hell off his property. But this time, it was like he was in a trance. Mulder asks what the men looked like. Rocky shrugs that he's usually good with faces, but this time, all he can remember is how they were dressed. "All in black?" Mulder asks. Rocky looks over at Scully. She delicately raises a brow. "How'd you know that?" he asks. Mulder explains that since the 1950s, people have reported mysterious visitations from these men in black, especially after an alien encounter of some sort. Scully calmly does her brow exercises.

Back in the LBO, Jose Chung tells Scully that myths about men in black have existed for centuries and in many cultures. Scully snarks that "the modern reconstruction of ancient fairy tales" doesn't really do much to help Rocky's testimony.

Back to Rocky Vision. Jesse Ventura peels himself out of the car. And can we just take a moment to give it up for Minnesota? How many states have a governor who guest-starred on The X-Files? Not to mention being the home state of Brandon and Brenda Walsh! Way to go! "Even the former leader of your United States of America, James Earl Carter Junior, thought he saw a UFO once. But it's been proven he only saw the planet Venus," Jesse monotones. He reaches out and fingers Rocky's manifesto, which has been titled The Truth About Aliens. Rocky snatches the manuscript back, hugging it to his chest. "I'm a Republican," Rocky counters. "Venus was at its peak brilliance late night. You probably thought you saw something up in the sky other than Venus, but I assure you, it was Venus," Jesse Ventura says. He's really very convincing. He could totally silence me. Will Smith, not so much. I'd want to question him about the whereabouts of DJ Jazzy Jeff. He'd be all, "You never saw this. This never happened." And I would be all, "Would you agree, sir, that parents just do not understand? What is your stance on that?" And he would be all, "You will remember none of this," and I would be all, "I remember when you and Carlton cooked up some wacky hijinks and got in trouble with Uncle Phil." And then I'd probably end up with my memory wiped out and working at the Frosty Freeze on Pico. Actually, I'd probably be really happy if the only thing I could remember was how to make a chocolate dip. Jesse Ventura grabs Rocky by the collar. "I know what I saw," Rocky manages to choke out. "Your scientists have yet to discover how neural networks create self-consciousness, let alone how the human brain processes two-dimensional retinal images into the three-dimensional phenomenon known as perception," Jesse Ventura spits. "Yet you somehow brazenly declare that seeing is believing!" Rocky looks somewhat faint. The second man in black emerges from the car to stand threateningly. We never see his face, although Rocky does, doing a double take when he first catches a glimpse. Jesse Ventura heads back to his car. "Your scientific illiteracy makes me shudder," Jesse Ventura says. "And I wouldn't flaunt your ignorance by telling anyone that you saw anything last night other than the planet Venus. Because if you do, you're a dead man." He and the mysterious second man in black climb into the car. "You can't threaten me," Rocky yelps. "I just did," Jesse Ventura says, before throwing the Caddy into reverse and speeding away.