Humbug

So being unemployed, more or less, is starting to get to me. A few weeks ago, I was like, "It's the summer of Jessica!," all lounging around my living room topless, and taking large bites out a block of cheese. Now, not so much. Adding insult to injury, the action figures have started haranguing me about getting a job so they can be supported in the manner to which they'd become accustomed. It's very irritating. Anyway. I know you're all, blah, blah, blah, get to the recap, SlowTyper McPromisedThisWeeksAgo.

So, welcome to Gibsonton, Florida. Two little boys happily splash in their back-yard pool. Enjoy it while it lasts, kids, because happiness never does on this show. Especially not happiness in the pool. There are too many bad things that can happen in the pool. Like drowning. Or getting sucked into the drain. Or getting eaten by something coming out of the drain. Or impregnated by something coming out of the drain. Impregnated, and then eaten. And, see, I'm right, because there's something in the underbrush watching the kids splash each other. It's hard to say what, exactly, watches them. It seems to be human, but there's something weird going on with its skin; it's all scaly. The scaly thing rustles in the bushes. One of the boys looks up, briefly, but then gets right back to the splashing. The happy, innocent, doomed splashing! Scaly walks though the yard, and gets into the pool. It comes closer and closer to the children, and grabs them, roughly! They squeal! With glee. See, it turns out Scaly is their dad. Those wily X-Files writers! Mixing it up like that! He squeezes them and sends them inside to get ready for bed. Scaly peacefully floats in the pool for a moment. But something is watching him from behind a tree. The something comes closer and closer. "What the hell?" Scaly breathes, in the time-honored tradition of Pre-Credit Victims of the Monsters of the Week. I'm sure if Aaron were writing this, he'd have some smarty-pants foreign term for that, but I took six years of French, and all I remember is how to say is "I'm going to the beach," which was the first sentence I ever learned. Eventually, the Monster of the Week -- which must be fairly small, since I can't see what it looks like underwater -- splashes into the pool and headbutts Scaly, who screams and screams and screams as blood stains the pool red. The camera pans to a van, the side of which reads "Alligator Man." Hey, I wrote a little poem, there.

Can I just take a moment to say that I love this episode? Darin Morgan and Kim Manners make a very good team. "Yay, Darin Morgan!" the Scully action figure pipes up from inside the makeshift swimming pool she and the Mulder strong-armed me into making out of my best serving bowl and a bottle of Evian. "Hey, don't we get to see your boobies in this episode?" the Mulder action figure asks her. She pushes his head under the water until he starts to turn blue. I think the summer of love is over. Anyway, Lush Basement Office: Mulder shows Scully photos of poor dead Alligator Man, explaining that he -- Alligator Man, not Mulder -- suffered from a congenital skin disease featuring, primarily, the shedding of skin in the form of scales. Mulder further exposits that Alligator Man died from one lone wound: a large, gory hole, burrowed right into his side. It was the only wound Alligator Man suffered, Mulder continues, and there was no evidence of any kind of sexual molestation. Furthermore, there have been forty-eight similar attacks over the last twenty-something years, all over the United States. Mulder shows Scully a bunch of pictures of the other victims. She gives them a cursory glance, but seems mostly taken by the photograph of Alligator Man. Mulder keeps talking, telling his partner that there seems to be no motivation for the attacks; the victims are of varying ages, races, and religions. Mulder muses that he'd think the attacks were part of some kind of whack Satanic ritual-type-thing, except for the fact that they don't fit the M.O. of any known cult. Mulder says that he's interested in hearing Scully's "initial thoughts" on the case. She sort of sighs. "Imagine going through your whole life looking like this," she says, looking down at the Alligator Man's picture. "I can't," he responds. "Look at me: I'm perfect!" But they cut the film before he got that all out.

Alligator Man's funeral. The priest is plowing through the twenty-third psalm, as Mulder and Scully get out of their rent-a-car and sidle into the back of the service. One of the pallbearers nods in Mulder's direction. Our agents start surreptitiously checking out the crowd and soon realize that the majority of the mourners are not...um, entirely average-looking, shall we say? Sitting directly in front of them is a tall man with a little body attached to the side of his chest, its head inside the man's body. He takes a swig from a silver flask, and idly pats the body. This character, by the way, is played by a total Hey! It's That Guy! ["Vincent Schiavelli" -- Wing Chun] best known (to me, anyway), as the dude who played Miss Calendar's gypsy uncle on Buffy, the one Angel killed back when he was all evil and wearing leather pants and smoking. That was such a great season of Buffy. I'm sorry, where was I again? Right. The X-Files. Right on. Anyway, the priest turns the page of the Common Prayer Book with his toes, which, anyway you slice it, is a really nifty talent. ["That's because he has no arms, by the way. That guy -- whose name is Alvin Law -- is from my hometown of Regina, Saskatchewan." -- Wing Chun] Amazingly, Mulder and Scully have less than no reaction to Father My Left Foot, although I personally would have had a hard time restraining my applause after the whole foot thing. The man can turn pages with his toes. His toes! And here I was all loudly congratulating myself this morning because I managed to return my library books on time. This is the kind of achievement that I've taken to patting myself on the back for. And, look, there, I just ended a sentence with a preposition. I want to die. So, Father My Left Foot keeps talking about Alligator Man, that he was a "world-renowned escape artist." All that, and an Alligator Man, too? Talk about multi-tasking. The ground under the coffin starts to shake. The pallbearers swiftly move the casket away, as a man burrows out of the grass beneath it. The crowd murmurs. The man holds aloft a hammer and a spike, and tells the assembled that he didn't know the deceased personally, so he can't deliver a eulogy. But as a fan of Alligator Man's work, he'd like to deliver a tribute by ramming a spike into his chest. And then he does. And then he screams, as blood spurts out around the wound, that he thinks he "hit [his] left ventricle!" The crowd rushes him, knocking their folding chairs over left and right. Mulder and Scully sit alone, stunned. "I can't wait for the wake," Mulder says dryly.

Cut to a hole-in-the-wall joint called Phil's Diner, which looks like it serves a mean patty melt. Mulder and Scully chat up one of the pallbearers, who conveniently also happens to be the Gibsonton sheriff. For lack of a better name, I'm going to call him "Sheriff." Sheriff tells Mulder and Scully that Alligator Man was one of the best escape artists around, but his skin condition kept him trapped in sideshows. Scully comments that she was unaware sideshows still existed. Sheriff nods and tells them that Gibsonton is full of sideshow people, mostly because it was originally founded by Barnum and Bailey employees who made it their home during the off-season. Scully makes her thoughtful face and wonders aloud whether the town's history might help explain their case's history: sideshows travel all over the country. So does their killer. Moreover, Scully says, the deformities suffered by the sideshow workers may have so alienated them from society. Sheriff interrupts her to make some noise to the effect that these sideshow people are as normal as anybody, when you stop thinking about their unusual physiognomies. Scully nods, and reminds Sheriff that "most serial killers" are, up until they're discovered, considered "quite normal" by their friends and neighbors. She points out that if these people are, in fact, "normal," that only proves that they're capable of committing the crime. Sheriff sort of nods, as Mulder glances at the menu. He notices a drawing of what looks like a mermaid toward the bottom (near the "Extras"), and asks Sheriff about the artist. Sheriff rolls his eyes and says the artist, Hepcat Helm, is almost "too local"; his studio is located right behind the stationhouse, and he plays loud music all the freaking time. Sheriff offers to wrangle them an introduction.

Okay, so how cool a nickname is "Hepcat"? I want you guys to call me that from now on. ["Since you're the only one who's still calling me T-Bone, deal." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Hepcat's in his studio, working on a monster-head-type-thing, the sort of special-effects mask you'd see on Buffy. Eventually, he notices that he's got company, and turns off the loud rollicking music. Hepcat gives Mulder and Scully a long, appraising look. "Who're the rubes?" he asks. Heh. Sheriff tells Mulder and Scully that Hepcat runs a local funhouse, a description with which Hepcat takes massive issue. "It's a tabernacle of terror," he says. Scully makes a face like she's trying not to laugh and I can't tell if that's, like, acting, or if Gillian Anderson is really having problems not cracking up. Mulder asks Hepcat about the illustration on the menu. "It's the Fiji Mermaid," Hepcat says. The closed captioning calls it "the FeeJee Mermaid," but, hello, I'm sure it's a reference to the island of Fiji, like, edumacate yourself, closed captioners. "What's the Fiji Mermaid?" Mulder asks. "The Fiji Mermaid is the Fiji Mermaid," Hepcat explains disdainfully. Sheriff steps in, and explains that the Fiji Mermaid is "a bit of humbug P.T. Barnum pulled," an exhibit he tried to fake using the mummified body of a monkey sewn to the tail of a fish. This combo looked so bad, however, that Barnum was forced to exhibit it as "a genuine fake." Hepcat pipes up to say that's why Barnum was a genius: "You never know where the truth ends and the humbug begins." Mulder and Scully wrinkle their pretty little brows, and Hepcat hypothesizes that maybe what Barnum called a hoax "for PR purposes" was actually the real deal. Mulder makes his "aha!" face and tells Sheriff that they're going to need a place to stay for the night. Scully looks pained. Mulder explains that the tracks at the crime scene defied exact identification, but that one expert thought they might be "simian in nature." Sheriff asks whether Mulder thinks that maybe the Fiji mermaid is real. "Do you recall what Barnum said about suckers?" Scully asks. I love sassy season-two Scully.

Turns out their "place to stay" is a trailer park, run by a midget who looks just like Frohike. I dub him Mini-Frohike. Parenthetically, how awesome would it be if there actually were a Mini-Frohike character on this show? The Lone Gunmen spin-off would have been far more successful, I think, if they'd only added a few diminutive sidekicks. Oh, by the way: Mini-Frohike has a dog. That's important later, so don't forget. Write it down on your hand, or something. Anyway, Mulder asks Mini-Frohike whether he's done much circus work in his life. Mini-Frohike takes huge issue with this line of questioning, accusing Mulder of stereotyping him based on his short stature. Mulder sputters that a lot of people in Gibsonton did work in the circus, so....Mini-Frohike won't let Mulder explain himself, and, really, Mulder looks a little scared of him. "Never would it have occurred to you that a person of my height could have obtained a degree in hotel management," Mini-Frohike spits vehemently. Mulder apologizes. "Just because it's human nature to make instantaneous judgments based solely on physical appearance," Mini-Frohike continues. "Why, I've done the same thing to you, for example. I've taken in your all-American features, your dour demeanor, your unimaginative necktie design [at this, Mulder looks down at his tie], and concluded that you work for the government. An FBI agent." Mulder and Scully raise their respective brows. "But do you see the tragedy here?" Mini-Frohike asks. "I have mistakenly reduced you to a stereotype -- a caricature -- instead of regarding you as a specific, unique individual." Mulder takes out his badge. "But I am an FBI agent," he says. Scully tries really hard not to laugh.

Lanny -- the guy with the tiny conjoined twin hanging off his gut -- carries Mulder's and Scully's bags to their trailers. Mulder asks him whether he's done much circus work. Scully looks at him like, haven't you learned anything, you big, strong, beautiful, idiot? But Lanny's cool. Well, actually, he's really weird, but he doesn't mind answering the question. He tells them that he was "on the stage most of [his] life." And it was the best work he ever had, he says. All he had to do was stand there and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my brother, Leonard." He nods toward the small figure attached to him. "'He's a little shy.' Big laughs, I tell you, big laughs." Mulder and Scully smile politely. Lanny tells them that he abandoned the stage because Mini-Frohike convinced him that making a living by "publicly displaying [his] deformity" lacked dignity. "So now I carry other people's luggage," Lanny sadly concludes. The three of them finally arrive at the trailers earmarked for Mulder and Scully. How clever is it that they're staying in trailers? That cracks me up. Mulder tips Lanny, and they shake hands. "Good night!" Lanny calls. "Sleep tight! Don't let the bedbugs bite!" Lanny takes a swig from his flask and starts down the road, then realizes what he's said, and turns around to clarify. "No, no that's not what I meant! I didn't mean to imply that we have bedbugs," Lanny sputters some more. Aw, Lanny, everyone knows that's just a figure of speech. My mother used to say that to me every night when she tucked me in to bed, and trust me, my mother had no bedbugs. "Don't let the Fiji Mermaids bite?" Mulder offers. "That's right. The Fiji Mermaids," Lanny says, before taking yet another sip from his flask, and lumbering back down the path. Once he's gone, Scully shoots Mulder a vaguely amused look and asks what he's thinking with this whole Fiji Mermaid business. Mulder informs her that every investigation starts with a list of possible suspects. "You should try not to be so exclusive, Scully," he says. "As long as you try not to let the atmosphere of this town distort your list all out of proportion," she retorts.

Mulder and Scully swing back over to the trailer park, where they find the guy who, at the funeral, stuck the spike in his chest; he's now suspended upside-down over a caldron of hot water, struggling to work his way out of a straitjacket. Mulder and Scully watch as he shrugs out of the jacket, removes a key from his leather pants, unlocks his feet, and leaps to the ground. "How many people do you know who can get out of a straitjacket in under three minutes?" he asks. "Unfortunately, none," Scully replies. Mulder makes a brief mental note to learn how to get out of a straitjacket in under three minutes, and tells the guy that they caught his act at the funeral yesterday. "Some trick with the railroad strike," Mulder smirks. The guy accusingly points at Mulder. "Dr. Blockhead does not perform 'tricks,'" he declares. "Dr. Blockhead performs astounding acts of body manipulation and pain endurance." Dr. Blockhead opens a steamer trunk, which is full of all kinds of sharp things, including a series of large needles, the heads of which are decorated with skulls. Decorated. With. Skulls. Remember that. Write it on your hand, to the thing about Mini-Frohike's dog. Mulder and Scully take a quick gander at the trunk's contents, as Dr. Blockhead takes out a nail and starts pounding it into his nose. His nose, people. Mulder and Scully wrinkle their own schnozzes. Mulder asks whether Dr. Blockhead has ever performed his act "on someone else." Blockhead makes a face and takes a pair of pliers out of his bag of tricks. "Are you sick?" he asks, starting to pull the nail out with the pliers. "I tell my audiences that if they're stupid enough to try this on themselves, they'll end up with a slight lobotomy. I am a professional." Mulder sort of nods. "May I?" he asks, taking the pliers from Dr. Blockhead, and pulling the nail the rest of the way out himself. Scully looks quite disgusted. Blockhead starts spinning a story about his training, beginning with his birth in a small town in Yemen. Hee. Yemen is always funny, although I don't know if it's always been funny, intrinsically, or if I just think it's funny because it reminds me of that episode of Friends where Chandler tells Janice that he's moving to Yemen because he's too chicken to break up with her, and then he gives his mailing address as, like, 3 Yemen Street, Yemen. Ah, good times. Anyway, Blockhead is still talking about all the nifty stuff he learned in the Far East. "For example," he says, "did you know that through the protective Chinese practice of [something I can't spell], you can train your testicles to draw up into your abdomen?" Mulder deadpans, "Oh, I'm doing that as we speak." Scully stifles a chuckle.

Suddenly, Tattoo comes gasping out of the caldron of water to them. Mulder comments that he saw Tattoo that morning, near the river, eating a fish. A live fish. Blockhead makes a disapproving face. "He knows in-between-show snacks will ruin his appetite," he comments. "Oh, I must be mistaken," Mulder says. "It must be another bald-headed, tattooed naked guy." Scully rolls her eyes and asks whether Tattoo is another body manipulator. "No -- in the classical sense, The Conundrum's a geek," Blockhead says. Man, there's another awesome nickname. I'm holding onto Hepcat, though. Blockhead explains that The Conundrum will eat anything: "Live animals, dead animals, rocks, light bulbs, corkscrews, battery cables, cranberries." "Human flesh?" Scully asks. Blockhead tells her that The Conundrum doesn't answer questions, he merely poses them. "When the audience takes part in The Conundrum's human piranha act, they are left to ask themselves, why?" he says mysteriously, as he reaches for a glass jar of live crickets and pours a whole bunch of them into The Conundrum's open mouth. The Conundrum cheerfully chews. "But where are my manners?" Blockhead asks, and holds the jar of crickets out to Mulder and Scully. Mulder makes a face, but Scully takes one and nonchalantly pops it into her mouth. She makes a "hmmm, tasty crickets" face, swallows, and walks away. Mulder gives her a "what the hell?" look and gives chase.

When he finally catches up with her, she looks up at him innocently. Mulder quizzically stares back. Scully reaches way, way up and removes something from behind his ear: a live, squirmy cricket. My Dad used to do that with quarters. Actually, what the hell am I saying, "used to"? He did that last week. Scully smiles, and explains that her uncle was an amateur magician. Mulder stifles a grin, and tells her that he's going to take Blockhead's nose nail into the lab to compare his blood with the blood on Hepcat's window. Mulder hold up his empty hand and snaps his fingers; the nail appears between two of his fingers. Scully looks impressed. "Everybody's uncle's an amateur magician," he says, loping off. Scully looks after him, and smiles proudly. That's our boy!

While Mulder is off at the lab, Scully pays a visit to the Gibsonton Museum of Curiosities. She places some cash into a bowl under a sign reading "Freaks free. Others, please leave donation." The Wacky Music of Misunderstood Freaks wails in the background as Scully wanders around the museum, looking at various photographs of conjoined twins and bearded ladies. Heedless of her future, she ignores a deformed baby in a jar, choosing instead to look at a flyer advertising Chang and Eng, the world's most famous pair of conjoined twins, with whom I am quite familiar, since I have a tendency to turn on the Discovery Channel to watch The New Detectives and end up leaving it on all night. "Welcome to my museum. May I put to rest any questions you may have conjured?" The proprietor has snuck up behind our heroine, who jumps. This scene is so well shot: we only the proprietor's face in a series of reflective surfaces, and even then, only partially. Eventually, though, we see that -- appropriately -- half of his face is all saggy and weird-ass. Scully tells the proprietor that she was reading about the fascinating life of Chang and Eng, and wondered whether their death was "equally fascinating." The proprietor nods, and tells her that, in 1874, Eng woke up and discovered that Chang had died during the night. A few hours later, he himself died. "Imagine being Eng," the proprietor says, "laying there, knowing that half of your body is essentially dead, knowing, knowing that the rest must eventually follow. And being able to do about it absolutely nothing." Scully listens quietly as the proprietor tells her that, at Chang and Eng's autopsy, it was officially concluded that Chang died of a cerebral hemorrhage. "And Eng?" Scully asks. "Fright," the proprietor says. Scully reflects on this for about half a second before asking whether the proprietor has any information about blockhead or geek acts. The proprietor tells her that blockheads are skilled performers, "like sword swallowers who really do swallow swords." Geeks, he continues, are "neither skilled nor curiosities; they're merely unseemly." They're worse in a way, the proprietor says, than "gaffes." Scully raises her brows, as the proprietor explains that "gaffes" are phony freakshow acts. "Like the Fiji Mermaid?" Scully asks. The proprietor agrees. He tells her that he knows she's investigating Alligator Man's murder, and that he has something she might be interested in seeing. He hands her a flyer advertising "Jim Jim, the Dog-Faced Boy." Scully gives it a cursory once-over before the proprietor tells her that he has an exhibit he'd like her to see. It's a special exhibit, he continues, one that he shows only to his most favored customers. It's something Barnum billed as "the great unknown," he tells her. But in order for her to see it, he needs a further donation. Scully wrestles a fiver out of her wallet, and the proprietor opens a door for her. She walks into a large, dark room, containing only a large steamer trunk, lit by a wan spotlight. She hesitates for a moment, then opens the trunk. Which is totally empty. Shortly thereafter, the back door pops open, the red "Exit" sign lighting cheerfully. Scully, realizing she just got suckered, grimaces.

Trailer Park. The Conundrum is running around in his loincloth. Mini-Frohike's dog barks at him. The Conundrum chases after the dog, but he doesn't get to eat him, he just ends up trailing him all the way to the managerial office, where the dog tumbles inside his doggie door. When Mini-Frohike opens the door to investigate all the flopping and grunting going on outside, The Conundrum silently hands him the rent check, which he had pinned to his loincloth with one of Dr. Blockhead's skull-headed pins. Mini-Frohike takes the check and closes the door. "Why are the weirdos the only ones who pay their rent check in advance?" he mutters. While he's muttering, the dog starts to bark frantically. Mini-Frohike looks out the peephole. Something reaches in through the doggie door and grabs his ankle. Mini-Frohike starts screaming.

Bloody hands open Scully's trailer door. She hears footsteps inside her bedroom and wakes with a start, grabbing her firearm. But it's only Lanny. "I found you," he says, trembling. "He's dead. He's dead."

Mulder and Scully head over to Mini-Frohike's office and find blood all over the doggie door. Mysteriously, it turns out the doors and windows were all locked from the inside. Jim Jim and Lanny look down at Mini-Frohike's body. "He was like a brother to me," Lanny sobs. Mulder calls Scully over to take a look at something: a pin with the head of a skull stuck into Mini-Frohike's palm. While Mulder and Scully stare down at the pin, Lanny takes a swig from his flask, and then goes nuts, punching the wall and wailing with grief. Jim Jim pats him sympathetically, and tells Mulder and Scully that he's going to take Lanny down to the drunk tank to save him from himself. Mulder and Scully reply that they're going to take Dr. Blockhead into custody.

Mulder and Scully go and pound on Dr. Blockhead's front door, which conveniently turns out to be open. Mulder has thrown his blazer on over the gray t-shirt he sleeps in, making him look like some low-rent Don Johnson. And that's probably the nicest compliment Don Johnson has had in the last ten years. Blockhead has about forty fish hooks threaded through the skin on his chest. That's got to sting! He tells them he's working on a variation on some Native American trick. He suspends himself from the hooks, and when the pain gets bad enough, his spirit actually leaves his body. "If people knew the price of true spirituality, there'd be more atheists," he comments. Scully sort of shakes her head, and tells him that they're going to take him in for questioning. She cuffs him, but, of course, since he can get out of a straitjacket in less than three minutes, the cuffs present no problems. He wiggles out of them, and shoves the agents aside as he runs out of the room. Scully knocks into Mulder, who falls over onto a bed of nails. "Are you all right?" Scully asks, looking horrified. "It's more comfortable than a futon," Mulder snarks. "Hey, look what I caught," Jim Jim calls from just outside the door. He's holding Blockhead by the hooks. "Ouch," Blockhead says companionably.

Lanny sprawls on his cot in the police station drunk tank, sleeping off his most recent bender. He slowly opens his eyes and looks around. "What the hell?" he breathes. A strange wheezing noise begins. Lanny starts a-screamin'.

Mulder, Scully, and Jim Jim hustle Blockhead inside the station. "This has all the makings of one of those mistaken identity-miscarriage of justice things that play so well on 60 Minutes," Blockhead protests. The three of them sit him down, and he's babbling about the Fifth Amendment when Lanny's keening gets louder. "I don't think he's going to sleep this off," Scully says, looking down the hallway.

So everybody heads down to the drunk tank and finds Lanny motionless. Blood is smeared around the barred window. Jim Jim wonders aloud how someone could have possibly gotten in through the bars. Scully hypothesizes that no one got in, but that someone may have gotten out. Mulder's all, what are you talking about? "I'm not sure myself, Mulder, but I think we'll know more when we find Leonard," Scully explains. Mulder makes his confused face. "Leonard?" he asks. "Lanny's brother," Scully supplies. See, it turns out the conjoined twin has extracted himself from Lanny's body: the hole in Lanny's abdomen bears a remarkable resemblance to the wounds on the murder victims, but his isn't bleeding. Lanny, Scully hypothesizes, must have "an internal anomaly," allowing his conjoined twin to "disjoin." Everyone stares down at Lanny, who shortly thereafter opens his eyes. He sees them looking at him, and the hole in his gut, and wonders aloud how he could possibly turn Leonard in to the authorities without turning himself in. He's rather weepy. Scully asks him why Leonard attacks other people, and Lanny sobs that Leonard is just looking for "another brother." Jim Jim sympathetically asks whether Leonard is in pain. "It hurts," Lanny says. "It hurts not to be wanted. I don't know why he hates me so. I've taken care of him all of our lives. Maybe that is the reason why." Scully wonders how long Leonard can survive with his head outside Lanny's body. "Long enough to understand that you cannot change the way you were born," Lanny says. Everyone makes pensive faces at this profundity. "Don't worry," Lanny tells them, "he'll come back. He always does. I'm still his only brother." Mulder quietly asks Jim Jim to call for the paramedics. "Scully, you're the medical expert. If you think such a thing could disengage, I believe you. But how mobile can it be?" Mulder asks. Scully walks over and looks out the barred window. Something moves in the distance. "Too mobile," she says. She, Mulder, and Jim Jim head out of the cell, and Blockhead scoots closer to Lanny. "So, your twin can, uh [makes a "leaving" motion with his hands], and, then, uh [ makes a "come back" motion]? What an act!"

Mulder and Scully race across the parking lot, and somehow end up chasing Leonard into Hepcat's funhouse. They split up to look for him, guns drawn. Naturally, due to the confusion inherent in the funhouse design, they end up running into several dead ends, getting lost, and running into walls. Eventually, Mulder catches a glimpse of Leonard out of the corner of his eye, and runs after it. For her part, Scully finds herself in an entirely mirrored room, just like the end of that Orson Welles movie, Lady of Shanghai, except without Rita Hayworth, and with a small-killer disjoined Siamese twin. Scully shoots at Leonard, but only succeeds in shattering one of the mirrors. She does manage to find her way out of the mirrored room, and comes running down one of the funhouse hallways, almost tripping over Mulder, who comes sliding down what looks like a laundry chute from the floor above, and right in front of her. "Thought I heard a shot fired," he explains. Scully brushes her hair away from her face and hypothesizes that they might have better luck if they try to catch Leonard coming out of the funhouse.

But Leonard is already out, and crawling though the underbrush.

Over at the trailer park, The Conundrum is taking out the trash when Leonard attacks him. The Conundrum screams. Scully and Mulder hear the screaming, and race toward the trailer park. Eventually, they find The Conundrum sprawled on his back by the trashcan, unharmed. They ask him several pointed questions about Leonard's whereabouts before remembering that The Conundrum doesn't answer questions. So, they race off. The Conundrum rubs his full, gurgling belly, satisfied.

Fade up on the day. Blockhead and The Conundrum are leaving the trailer park, their old-school VW Bug loaded with all kinds of junk. Jim Jim tells the agents that they've got to keep looking for Leonard, and asks Scully whether she's sure it was the twin she saw, and not, say, the Fiji Mermaid. "Maybe it jumped in the river and swam back to Fiji," he offers. "You know how I feel," Mulder comments dryly as he heads off in another direction, presumably to keep looking for Leonard. Scully and Jim Jim trot over to talk to Blockhead and The Conundrum. They're leaving, Blockhead says, what with "that thing" on the loose. Scully tells Blockhead that Lanny died the night before. "Guess it's true -- you never can go home again," Blockhead says, attaching some more stuff to the roof of his car. Scully tells him, and us, that Lanny didn't die from his wound, but rather from advanced cirrhosis of the liver. "There's a moral to the story," Blockhead comments. "Lay off the booze." Scully, speaking almost to herself, comments that parts of Lanny's body were almost "umbilical in nature." And she's never seen anything like it. "And you never will again," Blockhead says. "Twenty-first-century genetic engineering will not only eradicate the Siamese Twins and the alligator-skinned people, but you'll be hard-pressed to find a slight overbite, or a not-so-high cheekbone," he continues. "You see, I've seen the future, and the future looks just like [Blockhead looks around, and sees Mulder posed on the steps of a trailer like Washington, crossing the Delaware] him! Imagine, going through your whole life, looking like that! That's why it's up to self-made freaks like me and The Conundrum, to remind people," he finishes. Scully raises a brow. "Of what?" she asks. Blockhead shrugs. "Nature abhors normality," he responds. "You can't go very long without creating a mutant. You know why?" he asks, as Mulder strolls over to the car. "No," Scully asks, "why?" Blockhead opens his car door. "It's a mystery," he says. "Maybe some mysteries were never meant to be solved." He gets in the car, and pats The Conundrum, who's sort of dozing in the front seat. "What's the matter with your friend?" Mulder asks. Blockhead doesn't know. "Maybe it's the Florida heat," he offers. The Conundrum lazily opens his eyes. "Probably something I ate," he says, and grins. Mulder and Scully turn and stare at each other. And the car speeds away from them, down the road, and away from all the freaks.