After the over-overblown pre-credits sequence, there's a quick laser-dance and them out comes Mario. In honor of the occasion, I was expecting him to dress up extra fancy with three tie-clips, but he’s sticking with his now-usual two. We're reminded that the final three are at the mercy of our votes in determining the final winner, and then Mario brings out the judges. They make their entrance, which as a bonus includes Paulina wandering off prematurely. Hope you had fun this season, Paulina.
Now it's a group sing by the whole top 13, who as always are dressed all in white because of how most of them are dead. They're singing "One," all sliced and diced so everyone gets about a line at a time. I would rather it was "One" by Metallica, but it's "One" by U2 instead, alas. Finally the top three join in at the end, turning it into a proper harmony-fest. When that's over, Mario asks Simon how he's feeling, and he cops to feeling very nervous. "I just want to get to the end quickly," he says. Which is the one thing that absolutely will not happen.
After the ads (and I have enjoyed the promos for American Idol these last few weeks coming along and being all, "This is how you do it, Junior"), Mario conducts a remote interview with the top three, who are backstage with all new, Christmasy costumes. He asks them how much they want it. They all want it a lot, believe it or not.
Montage of Paulina acting like a crazy person all season, including some nutty comments we never even heard the first time. Amazingly, it only goes on for a couple of minutes before Mario invites her to introduce a performance by Carlito. Don't ask me what the purpose of that is. He sings "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)," with a whole Christmas morning-themed production that includes him popping out of giant presents and shit. There are also nutcrackers and candy cane dancing and a few Santa's Little Skanks. He's lucky this doesn't count for anything, and it's obvious from his embarrassed expression that he knows it. Mario lets him give a little speech of appreciation to his mentor Paulina, which he does pretty convincingly. Paulina's speech back to him is surprisingly lucid, if not as convincing. Also, a car company has sponsored clips of messages form the finalists' loved ones back home. Which Carlito has to watch with a camera on him, fighting tears. Good thing it's interspersed with nonsensical shots of the car driving around so he can catch his breath every now and then.
Mary J, Blige sings a jazzy version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," with Ving Rhames on the standup bass. If you think about it, it's a perfect song for this show. Because it's the story of somebody who's a nobody until the gatekeepers discover what he can do for them. Then all the reindeer loved him, sure. Dicks.
Montage of Kelly flirting with hot male contestants all season, and some not-so-hot ones. "Aw, mama I'm sorry" is how she puts a button on that one. Then she introduces Jeff Gutt, who's a little out of his depth with "O Holy Night," which he naturally turns into a power ballad. Afterward, he and Kelly exchange some grateful words to each other, and he gets some messages of support from back home. It's all very by the numbers, until they show up at Talon's elementary school and Talon says, "Hi, daddy, I just want to be like you. You're the best daddy ever I hope you win X Factor I love you bye!" Man, if that makes me tear up, what the hell chance does Jeff himself have? Mario finally pours him off the stage in a puddle.
Is it too much to hope that Alex & Sierra might do "Carol of New York"? If that happens, all is forgiven. Of everyone. But no such luck; they're doing "All I Want for Christmas Is You," going all old-school Alex & Sierra with a low-key, slow-tempo version of a peppy pop song. Then they each get to thank Simon for everything he's done for them. Simon graciously says they've taught him a lot too and that they haven't changed who they are. Then they brace themselves to start crying over the messages of support from home, which hits Sierra the second her nephew pops up on the screen. At least they get through it well enough to be able to talk afterwards… unlike some people.
The judge montage is a series of clips of Demi getting on Simon's nerves over the course of the season while drinking some bright-green liquid that Simon calls "Annoying Juice." Obviously the green color was added in post, and although Demi doesn't appear to be amused watching it, she rallies well enough to say that Annoying Juice is her favorite beverage NOW THAT SHE DOESN'T DRINK ANY MORE. Nice one, producers.
Oh, here's Lea Michele to perform a song from her debut album. How does she not have an album until now? Those Glee kids are such slackers. Anyway, the song sounds like she's covering a watered-down Demi Lovato version of a Kelly Clarkson song, so maybe she ought to stick to the showtunes rather than make this year even shittier for herself than it already has been.
Mario is in the audience talking to the moms of all four individual finalists. You'll be amazed to hear that they're into it.
There's another montage of how badly everyone in the competition wants to win it. Which can only mean that one of them is about to get the boot. At least we got through the whole first hour without anything happening, though, right? So for the last time, the top three are arranged on the S-shaped stage with their mentors, and Mario announces who's going to be leaving , in third place. It's… Carlito Olivero. Kelly looks stunned, and after all that talk about how he can't go back and he needs to win, Carlito tells Mario all about how he's blessed and happy to have come this far. Paulina tells him, "You deserve this and more." Does she mean he should have also won fourth and fifth place? Carlito gets a farewell montage that goes on longer than most of the songs he's performed on the show, and we're down to Jeff Gutt and Alex & Sierra for the final two. And we'll know which one it is in less than an hour, if you can endure the breakneck pace.
There's another remote interview between Mario in the auditorium and the final two backstage, and then there's a montage of some sucky auditions from the beginning of the season. Totally relevant to tonight, right?
Leona Lewis is still in town after last night, and tonight she's back to sing her new Christmas song, "One More Sleep." Sorry, Leona, but there hasn't been a viable new Christmas song in nineteen years, and this isn't going to change that. Even with six fake Supremes backing her up. After she's done, Mario asks her what the top two must be thinking backstage, as though we haven't already covered that, abundantly.
Montage of the season's tear-jerkingest moments, including that woman who made a big impassioned speech about how hard work gets a seat and then got booted anyway. That was awesome.
So let's have a little palate cleanser in the form of Pitbull. He's performing his single "Timber" with a veritable plague of dancers in Daisy Dukes and some video of Ke$ha. I thought Mario had previously plugged an actual appearance by Ke$ha on tonight's show as well, but I suppose that since Ke$ha's entire purpose in life is to make Katy Perry seem like a legitimate pop artist by comparison, showing up here might be considered off-task. So much the better for Pitbull, who actually endears himself somewhat by making a humble speech about the ones he loves and actually smiling with both sides of his mouth at the same time.
For the bit, someone apparently went to a day care center to show the kids clips of Simon criticizing people so they can talk about how mean he is. Simon watches in stone-faced confusion until one of the tots says, "I think Simon kicks the girls under the table." That almost made it worth it, if not worth Mario's announcement that Simon's expecting a baby.
Time for one last group sing, with Alex & Sierra and Jeff Gutt doing an awkward duet of "Love Me Again" by John Newman. Good job finding a song that's not in a good key for any of them, producers. That must have taken some doing. No wonder it's a song I've never heard before.
Then there's a video message from the CEO of Sony Entertainment, who acts like he can't wait to start working with whoever wins, if he ever finds out who it is.
Leona Lewis isn't the only X Factor U.K. alum who had to show up tonight to fulfill a contractual requirement; One Direction is also here to sleepwalk through their new Def Leppard-via-Bay City Rollers single "Midnight Memories." Well, Q from Skyfall's got some energy, but he's also subjugated his goddamn crazy hair with a headband so it's kind of a wash.
We're finally down to the end. Mario brings out the top two with their mentors: Alex & Sierra with Simon, and Jeff Gutt with Kelly. They take up their positions, and the three finalists do their best to look like they're not shitting their pants. With seven minutes left in the show, Mario says this is it. And then everyone has to wait until there are five minutes left in the show before Mario finally announces the winners: Alex & Sierra. Wow, who'da thunk it way back when? Certainly not those two, that's for damn sure. Simon gives props to Jeff, but says that he feels like Alex & Sierra deserved it. Alex and Sierra make some tongue-tied speeches of gratitude, and Jeff says that he's not giving up: he's still going on tour and making records, having met a lot of the right people during this experience. Though really, how many babysitters could he have met?
The stage is cleared in record time, and then Mario has the nerve to try to make the winners sing. Alex can't even sing the first few lines, but for once it's Sierra who holds them together, at least at first. They end up singing totally to and for each other, which is okay because that's what got them here, after all. They continue struggling through the song even though the confetti hurricane that ensues, and getting swarmed by the rest of the top thirteen en masse after someone released them from their corral. They finish limping through a version of the song that nobody will be downloading on iTunes tomorrow. Simon's final thoughts are to thank everyone involved, and I'm glad to say that we get out of here without anyone promising the show will be back for a fourth season. But let's not rule anything out yet, as much as we might want to.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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